Dennis Miller on Obama's 'Beer Summit,' Health Care and Michael Vick

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," July 29, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: For the past week, our pal Dennis has been thinking about the race controversy that flared between the Harvard professor and the Cambridge cop. Also President Obama's participation in that. Here now from Los Angeles, the Miller guy.

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O'REILLY: All right. So I've been looking forward to hearing your take on this. What do you think?

MILLER: Well, I'd say things have fallen off as far as neighborly relations in Boston go. No doubt Gates could have read something into "The British are coming, the British are coming." As far as this beer moment goes down at the White House, if I was the president, I would pour for Professor Gates first so you don't spin him out into some injustice jag. I think that Barack Obama, the most measured of all presidents, it would appear the most cautious guy, can't even look at footage and brutalization of students in the streets of Tehran and make a snap judgment on it, in the same sentence concedes he doesn't know all the facts and says the police acted "stupidly." I'd say it's a kind of embarrassment for him. I think he — I think he displayed something that I hadn't seen heretofore, and that's he's a bit of a hack. You know, I don't...

O'REILLY: I don't know if he's a hack, but I agree that he's displayed something in the last week that I hadn't seen either, and that is this. When you have a president as articulate as he was on a campaign trail and in the debates, he handled himself very, very well. And now you have a two-fer. He can't tell the nation why government-mandated health care is necessary. He simply cannot do it. He failed again today to do it. And then he gets out and says the police acted stupidly, alienating 95 percent of American law enforcement officers in a second. I just — it's inconceivable, a guy of that discipline would make these mistakes, but he's making them.

MILLER: Hey, here's the secret. What if he's not the mistake-free genius that we're constantly told he is?

O'REILLY: How did he fool everybody for a year, more than a year? How did he fool everybody for more than a year? In the campaign and in the debates?

MILLER: You don't think America is fool-able at this point? I mean, for God's sakes, Bill, he looked us in the eye during the Rev. Wright snafu — and by the way, where is his spiritual mentor during this whole thing? Why doesn't he come forth? He's in a tough time? Where is his man?

O'REILLY: I don't know. He may show up for a beer, too, you know.

MILLER: Listen, Bill, wait. Just let me finish the thought. He looked America in the face during the thing and said, "I was there 20 years. I never heard this." And everybody said, "All right." So, you know, I think it's easy to fool us in a way.

O'REILLY: All right. But I think that this one is a real mystery to me, anyway, and I followed this for a long time.

Now, to pay for the enormity of the health care plan, one of the things that was floated, Miller, is a so-called Botox tax, where people getting unnecessary plastic surgery would have to pay a surcharge to fund necessary medical things. And you say what?

MILLER: Why didn't they pass this when Michael Jackson was still alive? He was the Comstock Lode. We could have — we could have gotten rid of the deficit if we'd passed this scam six months ago. Listen, I don't want Biden and Pelosi making calls on plastic surgery, because you look at her, if she was pulled any tighter, she'd be an unopened Braunswager tube, and he looks like his head was attacked by a squid in a Jules Verne novel. Now, I have 2,500 plugs. I have 2,500 hair plugs here. You look at them. Now, these were private industry. These are state-of-the-art plugs. You couldn't even tell if I didn't tell you. Then you look at Biden's plugs. Who do you want making the call on your plugs? Biden wouldn't pass for a Ken doll. These are private sector plugs.

O'REILLY: All right. So you are intimating that both Mrs. Pelosi and the vice president have had cosmetic surgery.

MILLER: No, no, she's just in a perpetual 24/7 wind tunnel test. That's what that is.

O'REILLY: OK. As many of our viewers know, Mr. Miller used to do "Monday Night Football," and has been following the Michael Vick restatement. And you say what?

MILLER: Well, listen, I guess everybody serves their time, but here's the thing nobody wants to concede. This is a sport where they've got to sell tickets, and the mental image of Michael Vick taking a dog that was reticent to fight, leashing him and hammer throwing him onto the ground until he beat his brains out and killing him is a tough sell for any season ticket guy. I wonder if Vick would play in the NFL under the same sort of stringent rules he put — he put those animals under. Of course he wouldn't. And, you know, they're asking a little much for people to just use some whiteout on their brain and get that image out of their head.

For God's sakes, they always say guilty — or innocent until proven guilty. Yes, that's for the jury. For us out here, sometimes we make calls. And when we hear this guy was beating man's best friend to death because they wouldn't fight, yes, have him back. Is it going to cause you some headaches? Sure. Are there going to be people who march on this stadium? Sure. Is PETA going to be in your life and is life too short? Sure. Yes, I guess he deserves to come back, but it's a tough image to rub out of your head, Bill.

O'REILLY: There's no doubt about it. But you know, in the United States we — I believe in redemption. And the guy served his time. He's bankrupt. His whole life is destroyed, and he's a fairly young guy. He's got one way back, and that's on the field. So I think Goodell, Roger Goodell, the commissioner, who by the way, is married to Jane Skinner. People might not know that, the NFL commissioner. And Jane will be up in a minute. I think he did the compassionate thing. I would have done the same thing. I think you would have done the same thing, as well.

MILLER: I would have done it, but I'm no huge fan of Michael Vick. And you know, to try to convince yourself that this isn't a weird guy, listen, man, that's a weird thing. When they talk to you about what's the first weird thing you should look for in a really troubled kid, they talk about them hurting animals capriciously. You think about this. This is a weird thing to do. Yes, have him back if you want. You know there's going to be some dog guy playing offensive tackle for him who's going to let somebody just go by on one of those ole blocks and just say, "I like my dog, man. Guess what? You're taking one from the blind side."

O'REILLY: But if he does well and starts to win, whoever the home team is that he's playing for, then he'll be celebrated. You know that.

MILLER: If Vick plays well, he's always been an 8-8 quarterback. He completes it around 54 percent. He seems like he's kind of screwed up on whether to run or to throw. I don't know. Maybe in that wildcat scheme, you know the direct snap, the spread offense, maybe he'd be tough to handle in there. But it's not like you're talking an NFL accurate quarterback. He's an amazing athlete. He's done some highlight reel things that I've never seen before. Are you going to win the Lombardi trophy with him? No, I don't think so.

O'REILLY: OK. And finally, the summertime Miller guy went to Japan on vacation. Any other trips, because I'm getting letters, "Where is Miller going next?" Anyplace else you're going?

MILLER: I'm going to Greece at the end of the — and you know what I always see in Greece when I'm over there, Billy. They always have those windmills over there. And my feeling is if you can put one of those windmills up there for power generation near the Acropolis, you can certainly put one up near the Kennedy compound, my friend.

O'REILLY: Dennis Miller, everybody. And that reference is that the Kennedys don't want the windmills inside of their Hyannis Port mansion, although they are for alternative energy.

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