Dennis Miller on Obama's Afghanistan Speech, FDA's Graphic Cigarette Warnings, San Francisco's Possible Goldfish Ban

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," June 22, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: The sage of Southern California listened with interest to the president's speech this evening, and he joins us now from Los Angeles. So Miller, any beef with the president tonight?

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Listen, Billy, out of all the things POTUS has to do, the commander in chief thing is the one that holds the most sway with me. I try to stay out of the way. I'm a comic for God's sake, you know. Well I'm on a political show, I don't want to be too pristine, but I would feel goofy.

All I know is this. There is two things with Barack Obama. You've got too different sides. Now, talking wise, let's face facts. When he's speechifying, he blows more smoke than a basilica announcing a new pope. But the proof's in the pudding. And this guy's been a veritable killing machine compared to what I expected. And he's brought out the inner George Patton on the left, and they're all blood thirsty, too. So I'm just happy he's done what he's done. He killed bin Laden. He's going across state lines. He's doing surges. You know, I'm pretty happy. Drones killing our enemies from up above.

You know, if you're going to fight war, you've got to go Roman, and he's been much more Roman than I would expect. When he's talking like this, though, I know he's got to appease those morons like the Code Pink chicks. He's got to keep them on the reservation to get re-elected. So I don't really judge him by what he talks about, because I know that drill. I judge him by what he does, and he's a killing machine.

O'REILLY: Now, as far as Afghanistan is concerned, the American public obviously has turned against the war there. They're exhausted. We're all exhausted. We all understand. We just can't nation build any longer. Are you in that crew?

MILLER: I don't think we should nation build at all. I'm one of those guys who thinks the military goes in and kills bad guys and breaks stuff. And I think somewhere in my lifetime -- I'm 57 -- we'll be back there because there will be the next moron. And eventually we're going to have to blotto one of these people just to get everybody's attention that that's what happens. We can do these half-step wars, but if you're going to turn kids into crossing guards over there and they're going to get killed not even fighting as well as they could, that really breaks my heart. So if we're going to half-step it, Bill, you might as well bring them home. But I guarantee you somewhere in the next 30 years, we're going back there. And one of these times, we're just going to have to vaporize the bad guys.

O'REILLY: All right. Now the FDA announced this week -- have you ever been a smoker? Did you ever smoke cigarettes?

MILLER: No. I might have snuck one in the tree house when I was a kid.

O'REILLY: Me, too. I remember, I had a Tareyton. Was that a cigarette, a Tareyton?

MILLER: No, no. That's -- that's a code the kids use for heroin. You're not telling me...

O'REILLY: No, there were some in my neighborhood doing that stuff. But I had a little Parliament or a Marlboro or something when I was about 11, and I turned green. I mean, I just couldn't. It was something. And that was the end of that.

But now the FDA is telling the cigarette companies, look, even though everybody knows that cigarette smoking causes cancer -- and if you don't know than it really doesn't matter, because you're not smart enough to live. But we're going to make you put another label on with a dead guy.

MILLER: Yes, at this point, if you're saying you don't know cigarettes are bad for you, you are lying through the blowhole in your trachea, OK? We get it. They're bad. All of a sudden, I've got these new trading cards. I'll give you a Tony Lazzeri rookie card and a charcoal-lined esophageal track for that Mickey Mantle and the questionable lip canker. I mean, for God's sakes, we get it. They're bad for us. You shouldn't inhale, but these people are blowing it out. And it's time for them to just settle down. Listen, here's the way I look at it, Billy. I'm just a pragmatic man like you. God gave us two lungs. Use one for smoking and one for breathing. There, everybody's happy.

O'REILLY: But is this the nanny state? You know, 20 percent of every package of cigarettes, which I think cost now $27 with all the taxes in it, all right, it has to be covered with some dead guy or some guy with a tracheotomy. So that's the government's new mandate.

MILLER: Well, listen, I'm at the point with the nanny state where if somebody just came up to me and said, "Would you give me one lump sum $10,000 payment for me just to get out of your life with all of this crap?" I'd hand it over in a second. I don't want to know most of you. What are you telling me to do all of the time? I'm not a smoker. And for God's sakes, mend your own garden or mind your own garden.

O'REILLY: Mind your own garden. You can't mend a garden, because it's all dirt and stuff.

MILLER: Mend your own clothing.

O'REILLY: Now, talking about the nanny state, San Francisco is like the nanny state of all time, and they don't want goldfish -- goldfish, cute adorable goldfish -- within the city limits, Miller. What is this all about?

MILLER: What's next after goldfish? Cheetos, Pringles, then Funions? Then the whole thing comes down around their head. Oh, those sort of goldfish. Sorry, Billy. I had it wrong. I thought it was the snack.

O'REILLY: The cracker.

MILLER: Listen, San Francisco is going to hell in a hand basket. You can't circumcise up there. You can't go to McDonald's and "super size." You can't criticize. All you can do is romanticize about their urge to fanaticize. That's what's happening up there. They've got so open-minded, pretty soon, you're going to have Mussolini hanging down the from the Golden Gate with the crows pecking out his eyes, for God's sakes. Once again, stay out of it. How did they get involved in all of this? Thankfully...

O'REILLY: From what I understand, the city council of San Francisco believes that the marketing of goldfish is cruel because they remove the goldfish from the water and they put it in a tank. And that is -- you can't. The goldfish wants to be free. Wasn't there a movie about goldfish born free? Wasn't that about...

MILLER: I remember that. I remember that. There was a beautiful song with that, too. And I think the chorus was blurb, blurb, blurb. Listen, goldfish might not even want to live in San Francisco right now. It's such an uptight, whiny place, OK? I mean, thankfully, I did read today in a story in the San Francisco Chronicle, you can still circumcise a goldfish in San Francisco. And if you've ever seen that, the moyle comes in, and he's tiny. He's got frogmen gear and he uses an Exacto knife. It's a pretty holy ceremony, Billy.

O'REILLY: But you know what? You know what the tragedy of all of this is?

MILLER: What is the tragedy?

O'REILLY: The homeless goldfish are in San Francisco.

MILLER: Exactly. Exactly. What about -- what about the midget hoarder goldfish? Who's going to think for them?

O'REILLY: And the transgender goldfish.

MILLER: Exactly. What tie should I wear to Westbury? What tie?

O'REILLY: All right. We're going to have more on the goldfish in San Francisco ban. Dennis Miller, everybody. Give him a hand.

And just a reminder that Miller just referred to: 75 percent of the tickets for the August 20 Miller-O'Reilly "Bolder Fresher" show at the Westbury Theater on Long Island are gone. They've vanished into the night. The remainder are selling fast. You can check it all out at We have a link right to the theater box office. Don't miss the show. Anything can happen. And if you have a goldfish, bring it to the show.

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