This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," April 27, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
Watch "The O'Reilly Factor" weeknights at 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. ET!
BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: Of course we're going to let the sage of Southern California loose on the birth certificate madness this morning, and Miller joins us now here in New York.
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Billy.
O'REILLY: How are you doing?
MILLER: Listen, I had six cab drivers today. I couldn't have cobbled one birth certificate together through all half dozen of them, OK? So this birth certificate thing doesn't bother me. I think what happened is Barack Obama got in, and on the first day he was in, he called the federal, you know, bureau of certificates and said, "I'd like a copy of my birth certificate." It being a federal thing, it took two and a half years. I don't think he's been withholding it. I think it's screwed up.
O'REILLY: So he had it. He just couldn't get it.
MILLER: It's a public sector union. So let me ask you this. The witnessing physician, I know the birth certificate is out there now. But take note, Dr. Albert Kaida.
MILLER: Who is Al Qaeda? Who is Al Qaeda?
O'REILLY: We've got to check him out. All right. Now, who are the winners and losers in all of this madness?
MILLER: Well, listen, when Barack Obama comes out and says that, he looks cool. He has a pretty good day. And he's got the thing out and Bill Daley's regrabbed power in the White House, and said, "Listen, can you believe that 38 percent believe you on this? Sixty-two are wondering. Just present it. Let's get it behind us."
MILLER: So then he wins because it's behind him now and he doesn't look as obstinate. That's all this is. He doesn't like to be told what to do.
O'REILLY: People are smart though. Inside they're going, "Why did he allow this to go on so long?"
MILLER: Because he doesn't want -- listen, if I ever got to be prez, I'm going to bridle at stuff, too. You're POTUS. You're the head guy.
O'REILLY: I know, and he used it for political purposes as we spelled out in the "Talking Points Memo." But I don't know if people like that so much. What about Trump? Does Trump win in this?
MILLER: Well, first, I'm thinking, my God, this cat had better be nimble on the tarmac when he lands in New Hampshire. And guess what? I thought he was. Here's the weird thing about Trump. Everybody disparages him because of the hair and all that, but there's a weird charisma when he steps up to the mic. He's assertive. And when he looks at the press and says, "Listen, you guys are in the bag for him. I don't have to be in the bag for him. You're up my wazoo, and I'm not even announced I'm running yet. Why don't you look into this guy a little?"
If I was him, I would lean into the skid and I would say, "You know what? I want to see his lifeguard accreditation now." I would just keep asking for stuff. Drive everybody crazy.
O'REILLY: Well, they are. They want the college transcripts. They want all of this.
MILLER: I think -- listen, I see you and Trump once in a while at Yankee games. You know...
O'REILLY: I know him.
MILLER: Well, you know the concept of baseball. If you know somebody has got rabbit ears on the field, they got a bench jockey who just rides the guy.
MILLER: Barack Obama is a little thin-skinned about this stuff, and I think Trump knows it.
O'REILLY: That's why a lot of people like Trump, because they know he's going to give Obama hell.
MILLER: I think he's in his head a little right now, and so I think Barack looks cool today. I like the way Barack handled it. I also thought when Trump hit the ground, I said, you better be nimble on your feet here, and he was.
O'REILLY: The folks, you know, who don't like Barack Obama like Trump because Trump is giving him all kinds of jazz and gas. But the serious people like Krauthammer, like Karl Rove, they see danger ahead because they don't believe that Trump can beat Obama and that he's detracting from the party centralizing around a candidate who might be able to beat him.
MILLER: I don't know about you, Billy. Well I do know. We all talk about this for a living. This is April '11. I got through November '12, and I'm looking at a bunch of guys out there who aren't all that exciting. So if Trump wants to do this -- I don't know why Rove and Charles, you know -- listen, I think the world of Charles. He's the smartest guy in the room. What's it matter right now? It's bread and circuses. It's a little fun. Who cares?
O'REILLY: I think they see danger ahead if Trump gets traction.
MILLER: Trump will stay in until the first day it's legally mandated he turn over his actual wealth, and I guarantee you you'll see a roadrunner cloud.
O'REILLY: He told me he's going to do it. He's worth $7 billion.
O'REILLY: Billion with a "B." That's what he's worth. He says he's going to put it all out there, and that's what it is. All right.
MILLER: I hope he buys Libya and solves the whole thing.
O'REILLY: This WikiLeaks-Guantanamo Bay thing. You got anything on this? I don't really care much about it.
MILLER: Listen, I don't think Julian Assange's rights as an individual should be infringed upon. But if he is going to leak something that's bad for this country, I hope they blow his head off. Isn't that the way the CIA...
O'REILLY: Let me get this straight, Miller. You want him killed?
MILLER: Only if it put innocents in harm's way.
O'REILLY: OK, so...
MILLER: This release was pretty good. I thought he made Gitmo look good.
MILLER: Gitmo works like a Swiss watch. If he wants to release that, fine. If he wants to release something that's going to get soldiers or innocents killed, I assume...
O'REILLY: They'll have to assassinate him. Or somebody has to get him.
MILLER: What's the CIA exist for?
O'REILLY: There's a law against that, Miller. You can't be doing that. All right. Happiest countries on Earth. Here they are. I'll run them down. You tell me why they're happy. Denmark is the happiest country in the world. Why are they happy?
MILLER: Denmark is the tiny little crap plastic village you set up under the Christmas tree once a year. The United States is the big honking train that makes it come to life. Now, listen, over here our kids read "Winnie the Pooh." Who's the most famous Dane in fiction? It's a guy named Hamlet who croaks his uncle, marries his old lady, marries his mother, for God's sakes. And everybody goes to a Beowulf raid and...
O'REILLY: Do you think it might have been a case of mistaken identity for Hamlet?
MILLER: No. I think he had a horn for his mom, and that's not a happy person.
O'REILLY: I don't know what that means.
MILLER: That is not a happy person.
O'REILLY: All right. Denmark's the happiest place. Sweden is the second happiest place.
MILLER: Well, listen, Sweden, everything is taken care of, including your state burial when you off yourself because you never had to fan your hole card your whole life.
O'REILLY: I picked that up, too. They're one of the highest suicide rates in the world.
MILLER: Because when you're 20, they say everything is taken care of.
O'REILLY: There's so much snow you can't get out of the house. It's just a matter of time. All right. Third is Canada, our friends up North. Third happiest country.
MILLER: Listen, I love Canada. I married a Canadian girl. Most beautiful women in the world. But if you're asking me, I dig the juice of being the alpha dog. For better or for worse, we're the lead dog in the Iditarod.
O'REILLY: We're the 12th happiest country, right behind Panama. They're happier in Panama than they are in the USA.
MILLER: Well, I would tell the 11 above us not to tease us about it, because we at the 12th hole can still kick a little derriere.
O'REILLY: That's right. If the happy countries gloat about it, we'll wipe them out.
MILLER: We'll make you unhappy.
O'REILLY: Right. We'll make you unhappy very quickly. Dennis Miller, everybody. A happy guy.
Content and Programming Copyright 2011 Fox News Network, Inc. Copyright 2011 Roll Call, Inc. All materials herein are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of Roll Call. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.