This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," August 5, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, let's kick off with Bill Clinton's trip to North Korea to get the two American journalists released. Joining us now from Los Angeles, that beacon of common sense, syndicated radio star Dennis Miller.
Did you ever hear — did you ever think you would hear those words directed at you, "the beacon of common sense"?
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DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I think — I thought that I hallucinated them right there. I didn't think you said that.
O'REILLY: All right. Bill Clinton, North Korea, you say what?
MILLER: Listen, Bill, we — you know, we live in a brutal world. I'm watching this home invasion robbery video. I'm watching a mother doing 10 shots and going the wrong way. I'm watching some guy walk into a gym. Periodically, just to keep my head on straight, I've got to see a good story, and this is a great story. Good for Clinton for going over there, because that's a crazy land over there.
By the way, you know when somebody's crazy? You know how you know Kim Jong Il is crazy? When he's that rich and he still does the inside of the main room in his palace in indoor Astroturf. What the hell was that about, that green carpet? You're rich. Buy yourself something.
I thought Clinton handled himself with class. He went over, even took the bumper sticker off the rear of the plane that said, "If the plane is a rocking, don't bother knocking." This is all business, and I admire him for doing it.
O'REILLY: All right. Now, some people, John Bolton, former U.N. ambassador, said, "Look, if you're going to do this and legitimatize this dictator who kidnapped these women, they're going to keep doing it, escalating it." What say you to that?
MILLER: I don't think anybody can judge this except, you know what I mean, accurately, the parents, the families, the girls. You know what I mean? It's easy to say that, but at some point you're missing the point. You can get your kid home.
O'REILLY: Yes. I agree.
MILLER: The only person who feels bad in this whole thing is Biden, because, you know, they've got him playing Fredo, sending him out into the backyard because he can open a beer bottle with his teeth. And Clinton gets to go over and play Errol Flynn. So other than Biden, I don't see anybody having a beef with this.
O'REILLY: OK, I agree. You've got to get the ladies back and protect American citizens as best you can.
"Cash for clunkers," it looks like it worked. It looks like the American auto industry got a little bump from this. And what do you think?
MILLER: Well, the foreign auto industry got a little bump. I think four of the top five cars were foreign models. Listen, it's just — I guess I'm happy. It seems a little low-rent to me. The shining city on the hill has now turned into Fred Sanford's front yard. I mean, we might as well put the whole country up on blocks at this point. I guess it's part of the Barack-racy. But you know something? Billy, the guy's driving a $35,000 car around, and you've put him into a $45,000 car, we've got the mortgage crisis redux coming around six months down the road. Why don't you just let the guy keep the 4,500 bucks in his taxes so we don't have to watch him saddle up and get this handout from the auto thing and judge him harshly?
O'REILLY: Yes, I knew the — I knew the "cash for clunkers" thing was in trouble when I saw Jed Clampett and Granny drive up.
MILLER: The folks said, "Jed, get away from there." Yes, it just seems a little low-rent to me. But anything that helps. But, you know, really, it seems, like, too selective. There's a lot of industries in trouble, and they haven't even gotten bailouts yet.
O'REILLY: Yes, they're trying to stimulate the economy. And the next — do you know what the next thing is?
MILLER: What's that?
O'REILLY: Cash for polyester suits. Did you know that?
MILLER: No, I didn't know that.
O'REILLY: Travolta has got, like, 10 of them in his closet.
MILLER: I love that.
O'REILLY: Yes, and the actual polyester suits, you give them in, they give you cash, you buy a sweater. So we got to...
MILLER: Turn it into that rag trade. Yes, I like that call.
O'REILLY: I like the Fred Sanford line though. We should put all these cars out in front of the White House. Demond Wilson should...
MILLER: (HUMS "SANFORD & SON" THEME)
O'REILLY: OK. Now, we discussed this a couple of weeks ago. You have some kind of fixation with Paula Abdul. Now Paula is leaving "American Idol." Don't know if that's the greatest career move, Miller.
MILLER: Oh, she'll land on her feet. No doubt she'll end up on another No. 1-ranked show where she can show up two days a week a little loaded for $10 million a year. That's not there, Billy. Listen, here's the downside to the North Korea story. We had to trade Paula to North Korea for the two chicks because, you know, Kim Jong Il fancies himself a Broadway singer, and they think she's the only judge sympathetic enough to go over there and tell him he actually has a future. So that's how we got the girls out of there; we traded Paula to Pyongyang.
O'REILLY: But you never really — you never know what drives anybody. She might be tired of the program. Or you feel that she probably has some money in the bank. But this is the most successful program in the history of television. Worldwide phenomenon. As you said, she works eight hours a week or whatever it is, and, you know, she gets paid $10 million. She wants $20. They say, "We're not going to do that. See you later." And then she, instead of saying, "Well, maybe I'll take the 10," walks. You know, I just don't see it as a great career move, unless she wants to get into something else. You know, go back to school or, you know, something like that.
MILLER: It's a MacLean Stevenson, "Hello, Larry" type career move. Listen, I remember Valerie Harper had "Rhoda," and then she had another show called "Valerie." It was called "Valerie," for God's sakes. She asked for too much money, and the next week I'm watching "Valerie," Sandy Duncan is playing Valerie. You know, at some point you've just got to tuck your ego away and take the check and thank God that you've got a lucky life.
O'REILLY: Yes, unless you've had enough. Now, McLean Stevenson, of course, was on "M*A*S*H" and did very well there and then didn't want to come back because of the money deal, and took a hike. And that was the end. And had a show called "Hello, Larry" that lasted 10 seconds. OK, now...
MILLER: Billy, it gets cold out there. It gets cold out there.
O'REILLY: Oh, it's cold.
MILLER: If I quibble with you too much, next week it's "Penelope Ann Miller Time," all right? I get it.
O'REILLY: Is she available?
MILLER: Everybody has a boss.
O'REILLY: You know who I called today though, Miller, not to take your place but maybe to add to the roster of geniuses that we have on "The Factor"? Paula Abdul. Wouldn't you like to see her on every week? She's got to have stuff...
MILLER: I'd love to see — I'd love to see you dancing in a Laker girl outfit.
O'REILLY: Me or her?
MILLER: You.
O'REILLY: No, that's never going to happen. Come on. Don't horrify the nation.
OK. Finally, President Obama, Morris gave him a F. Rove — when you average in the Rove stuff, gave him a C+. You give him what?
MILLER: Well, listen, I'm not going to give him a letter grade, but I am going to send a note home to his mother, telling him that he's bracing the other kids for their milk money to pay for the lactose intolerant kid. At some point that's got to stop.
To me, Barack Obama is taking on too much extra credit work, and he's not getting down to the core curriculum. And that's the mistake he's making. I'd learn my reading, writing, and arithmetic before I get into all this other stuff. He's been in there five months, and it's flying fast and furious. And by the way, I don't even know if his mother is deceased. That was a reference to school kids. So I'm sorry his mother is deceased. I don't know that. But I'm just saying, you know, at some point I think he should buckle down, hit the books on the basics, and do this stuff down the road. This stuff is all coming too fast and furious.
O'REILLY: You know, it is a little chaotic right now in D.C.
All right. Dennis Miller, everybody. Thanks very much.
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