Dennis Miller on Blagojevich's Magical Mystery Media Tour

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," January 28, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: As we told you in the "Talking Points Memo," there are literally billions of dollars in the economic stimulus package earmarked for global warming stuff, and that makes Al Gore very happy.


AL GORE, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Our home, Earth, is in danger. What is at risk of being destroyed is not the planet itself, of course, but the conditions that have made it hospitable for human beings. But I just think that the United States is the only nation that can lead the world, and this is the most serious challenge the world has ever faced.


O'REILLY: That was today. And joining us now from Los Angeles, the "Miller Time" guy, Dennis Miller, not a big fan of Al Gore's.

Click here to watch Miller Time!

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, that's not true, Bill. That's not true. He seems like a nice man. He seems like a good family man. On this he's a bit of a doofus. That's the only thing. The other things are more important to me than this. I just don't believe him on this. But he seems like a decent soul to me.

O'REILLY: OK. So you wouldn't say he was an overall doofus, just on this he's a doofus?

MILLER: It's the unknowable, Bill. He talks about it being our home. Why is he hogging the thermostat? And you know, he's got his own personal challenge come up here. What happens if he is wrong? Has he never ever considered that? It would seem not.

And you know something? He's got too much of his personal salvation tied up in this for me to just take him at face value and think, well, it must be so; Al Gore said it.

I think Al Gore, since the people of Tennessee essentially kept him from getting the White House, the people who knew him the best, I think that crushed his soul. I think he's looking for something to brace himself up. Now he's got an Oscar. He's got a Nobel Peace Prize. He's a champion. I think at the core of it he's a guy who's guessing and must have some trepidation deep within that he's clumsily overplayed this hand.

O'REILLY: I don't think he has trepidation at all. I think he's a true believer, and he just goes on day to day.

Now, talking about true believers, Governor Rod Blagojevich — let's see what time it is — is winding down his governorship, as he will be booted out of office very soon. What say you?

MILLER: I must say the guy is growing on me, because I'm enamored of him, that he's embraced his inner dirtbag. I love it when he stands — I love it when he stands there, and he brings up the Mahatma. It's like Dondi does Gandhi. And I think to myself, I cannot believe the cojones this guy has. But this press tour has been a revelation, and he goes on "The View," and he is treated better than John McCain.

O'REILLY: Yes, he's treated much better.

MILLER: He put six years in the Vietnamese prison.

O'REILLY: He's treated better on "The View" than McCain. But here's what you don't know. Gandhi had hair like Blagojevich at one time. You didn't know that, did you?

MILLER: That's why he got it sheered back. Yes. He needed to go...

O'REILLY: When he was in India, they didn't have mirrors, but then they came and he saw it and everything went…

MILLER: Yes, but it was tough to go lean when you looked like the Bob's Big Boy guy though. That's why Gandhi had to cut back.

O'REILLY: Bob's Big Boy is a hamburger joint, for those of you who don't know that. So you — are you going to be sad when Blagojevich is booted out of office, or is he getting what he deserves? What do you think?

MILLER: I don't trust politicians. I'll tell you what, I really don't. I believe Bush was on some noble — I believe he had some noble calling there, but in his first year of office, I didn't think much of him either. I just don't trust politicians. I don't trust Barack Obama. I don't dislike them. It's just I don't look at them. I think they're all like Blagojevich when they're on the phone alone. I think that is every phone conversation they have. It's posturing. It's my jurisdiction is bigger than your jurisdiction.

O'REILLY: He wanted to — he wanted to get money for a bunch of stuff. It's obvious what he wanted to do. OK. So you don't — they're all doofuses and trying to get in touch with their inner dirtbags.

MILLER: I didn't say they're all doofuses, Bill, but I think his phone conversations are all of their phone conversations. I'll be honest with you.

O'REILLY: OK. There are some honest guys.

MILLER: What about the f-bomb?

O'REILLY: There are some honest guys. Obama gives his first interview to Al Arabiya, and you say what?

MILLER: Well, at least he did "The O'Reilly Fatwah," which is the equivalent of your show. It comes right on after the "Dave Ramsey al-Kaboom" hour. Dave tells you to get rid of your credit cards in this life and any future lives.

And listen, I guess with Barack Obama, it proves that the exploding wheel gets the oil. That's where he's going to go. He's allayed the fears of the people in Gitmo. He's allayed anybody interrogated in the future. He's gone on to the Al Arabiya television. It's our turn now. How's about throwing us a bone over here? Don't hold it against us that we're not terrorists. That doesn't make us bad people. Let's honor a soldier or something.

O'REILLY: But isn't this hard for him to reach out to the Arab world and try to calm them all down and maybe they'll not think so bad of us?

MILLER: Yes. Everything I've seen from them tells me that they'll calm down if you ask them. Yes, that looks like — these people go to jihad over pizza toppings for God's sake. It seems to be the only person he's come down on in the first week is Limbaugh, you know? And you know who that angers more than Limbaugh? Hannity. Because Hannity wanted to be put in the crosshairs of that scope, because that's where the ka-ching is meant to be.

O'REILLY: All right. Now, so what you said, I believe, was that the Muslim world will go to war over pizza toppings? Is that what it was?

MILLER: Yes. You know, Bill, nothing in their history tells me they're high strung. Listen, all you do is you talk to them. They react well to that. They look like reasonable people so far.

O'REILLY: All right. I think there are — most Muslims are good, but you're right about the crazies.

Now, you just heard my interview?

MILLER: Don't you know that — you know, when you do that corollary, Bill, it's insulting. Of course most of them are. But if 10 percent of them aren't, we've got a big problem.

O'REILLY: You've got a problem.

MILLER: Because there's over a billion of them.

O'REILLY: That's true. Most Germans weren't Nazis, and there you go.

OK. Now you heard my interview with the Sky guy in London. And I didn't tell him this, but I've got to tell the world that Miller and I are involved in a new business partnership. Should I tell them or do you want to tell them?

MILLER: Go ahead. We're opening a water park.

O'REILLY: We're opening a theme park: Waterboard World.

MILLER: It's like trampoline centers, and we get in there, we've got a couple of options. You know, I had a caller on my show today, Bill, the radio show, a guy named A.J. from Milwaukee. He was from Milwaukee. He had the best take on this. He said change the public relations of water-boarding, say that people are emitting too much CO2 and when you pour water down their nose, it cuts into their CO2 exhalation.

O'REILLY: So it's better for the planet.

MILLER: You can call it green-boarding. And we could sell it. Green-boarding.

O'REILLY: Yes, we're going to — you know, you buy one ticket, and you take the kids and everybody will be water-boarding.

MILLER (SINGING): If everybody had a cheesecloth across the USA.

O'REILLY: Waterboarding World. Everybody, Dennis Miller.

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