Dennis Miller on Blagojevich Scandal

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," December 10, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: Ted Turner, Festivus and the Blagojevich scandal. Dennis Miller joins us now from Los Angeles.

So, did you ever hear of this guy Blagojevich before this happened yesterday?

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DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No. I first turned on the TV, I thought it was Stan Mikita in the womb. I had no idea who he was.

O'REILLY: Wait, wait. Stan Mikita used to play hockey with the Chicago Blackhawks. Now, we have Marina coming up. She might know who Stan Mikita is, but I had to explain it, OK, Miller? There's only maybe seven people in the country — you, me, and five other people who live on a pond in Minnesota — who know who Stan Mikita is. Proceed.

MILLER: Well, all I know is I bought a senatorship on Craigslist today, and I'm darned happy about it, Bill.

You know, I haven't seen a bigger hack than Blagojevich come out of Chicago since the great slugger Wilson plated 191 of his teammates for the 1930 Cubbies. This is the quintessential political hack.

And it's just nice to know that my president-elect went through that entire system, all these guys, Ayers, Blagojevich, Rezko, the Reverend Wright, and he didn't notice any of them. At his worst, he is oblivious, and, at his absolute worst, he is disingenuous. He had to know something about some of these guys.

O'REILLY: You know, I don't want to be cynical. I want to give Obama a chance. But it is mind-boggling — it is mind-boggling that every two weeks, another — somebody emerges from the depths, the inner depths, and there he is going, you know, "I don't know."

MILLER: Come on, you know. I'll tell you, you know, we're told that he's the smartest guy on the planet on one hand. On the other hand, he never noticed any of this stuff. Come on. Get the antenna up there, Barack. You've got to wake up.

O'REILLY: But Rahm Emanuel, too, the chief of staff, knew Blagojevich very, very well. And I think, you know, look, the tapes are interesting because they exonerate Barack Obama 100 percent. But Emanuel now — you know how Blagojevich, if he flips, you know what he's going to do. He's going to just lay it right out there because, you know, he knows everything.

MILLER: Listen, if Blagojevich, Rezko, Wright, or Ayers flip on Rahm Emanuel, they're going to end up in a parking garage facing into a wall and they're going to have a remake of the St. Valentine's Day massacre because he plays rough.

O'REILLY: Well, he does. He's a tough guy.

OK. Now you saw my interview last night with Ted Turner and Deepak Chopra. Let's take Mr. Turner first. What was your impression?

MILLER: Well, I thought he looked good, because he went on after Deepak and Satish Kalpoe. And it's tough not to look like a genius when you go on after shopworn Chopra. I didn't even know that was him at first. He had the Levar Burton eyewear on from the "Star Trek" remake.

And I love it when they play "good cop, gooder cop" on you. In one breath they say that the way to stop the war is to stop calling it the War on Terror. When you come back with something about people not wanting to go into a civil court and testify against terrorists, they tell you, you're being simplistic.

So their idea is don't use the phrase "War on Terror." You present the unwieldy alternative, and they say you're being simplistic. It's unbelievable, those guys.

And by the way, what's with the holy man wearing the overly current eyewear? You know, I want my visionaries to look a little more humble. Him showing up with those glasses is like Gandhi with an ankle bracelet or something.

O'REILLY: How much time do you think — and I like Mr. Chopra. He's a nice guy. But how long...

MILLER: Yes, he's a genius.

O'REILLY: Well, you know, being a nice guy and a genius, I mean, you know, come on. They're two different things. How long would it take Deepak Chopra to be executed if captured in Islamabad wearing those glasses?

MILLER: All I know is he says he wants to send doctors, nurses, teachers and engineers forth into the radical Islamic fundamental community. They would be slaughtered. They would be sitting ducks. It would be like shooting ducks in a barrel or whatever that old phrase is.

And then Turner comes on after it. I'm looking at him, and I'm thinking, "This is like Dick Van Dyke on Thorazine with a milk mustache or something." You know, if that's what eating bison burgers does to you, I'm going to stick to beef, because I'd rather have four valves shut down than go into early onslaught dementia like he was in. What was happening there?

O'REILLY: You know, again, we had a polite discussion. I noticed the milk mustache. But that's his mustache. He's 70. You're getting a little milk thing going on there.

MILLER: Yes. I stopped dying it. I wanted to look like Phil Bronstein when he was married to Sharon Stone and got bit by the Komodo dragon.

All I can tell you is after I watched the Chopra boys and I watched Ted Turner, I remember thinking these guys have a lot of gall calling George Bush stupid, because I've met George Bush, and those three make Bush look like Stephen Hawking on a ginkgo biloba drip.

O'REILLY: I'm not even going to bother to explain that. I'm still working on Stan Mikita.

Finally, Festivus in Washington may be now allowed to put up a sign, whatever that may be, take it from "Seinfeld." Your analysis, please?

MILLER: Well, this is what happens when you open the idiot floodgates. And this is what they're going to get now. And I find it amazingly ironic that atheism has turned into such a strident, lachrymose religion. Where's the sense of humor up there, guys?

You know what's happening, Bill, this is what we're seeing, and it's a contagional start in the northwest and move down. The official aggrieved minority in this country now is the majority, and that's not going to work. Eventually, that's going to have to change. Somebody is going to have to stand up and say enough is enough. Although I thought the sign next to the Nativity scene made the Nativity scene look much more authentic, because I thought the cow had come out of the manger and dropped one on the floor.

O'REILLY: Well, there is quite a contrast between the sign and the message of Jesus, and I think that's the only good thing that comes out of this.

Dennis Miller, everybody. There he is, milk mustache and all.

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