This is a rush transcript from "The Five," August 31, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
JEDEDIAH BILA, GUEST CO-HOST: Hello everyone, I'm Jedediah Bila along with Emily Compagno, Juan Williams, Mark Steyn, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City and this is "The Five."
Democrats continue with their outrageous rhetoric. Some extreme examples of just how radical the left has become. First off, an Illinois Democratic congressional candidate under fire after comparing President Trump to the mastermind of the September 11th terror attacks.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEAN CASTEN, ILLINOIS CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE: In many ways, this is -- I don't mean to sound overly, I don't know hyperbolic on this, Trump and Usama bin Laden have a true amount in common because they have both figured out how to use the bully pulpit to, you know, activate, marginalize young men. All right. It's the same tool. Every demagogue has done this, right, finding angry people and giving them something to do.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BILA: Sean Casten's campaign is back tracking saying his words were poorly chosen and he regrets them. Meanwhile, an Arizona Democrat is threatening ICE agents. Congressman Ruben Gallego warning government officials conducting so-called illegal deportations that they will not be safe from future punishments when Trump is no longer president. And finally, who needs impeachment, climate change alarmist Al Gore is saying Trump should just call it quits.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AL GORE: My only message would be resign. I mean, I don't mean to be flippant about it. I think everybody knows the discount what this current administration is doing and saying. They have made the EPA, CPA, Coal Production Agency.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BILA: Juan, have you got to help me out here with this insanity. What is going on with Democrats? They are threatening ICE agents? I mean, you got Al Gore coming out as if -- as if anyone is going to listen to anything. Do you think Trump is waiting with baited breath to see what Al Gore has to say? Oh, Al Gore says to resign, you know what, let me just step on it and do that? What are they doing? Why not come out with a positive alternative message?
JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: I think there are positive alternative messages, but again, so much news these days is national news, especially at our level. Everybody follows the national news and the star of American national news at this point, no surprise to me, Donald Trump. Everything is about him. So you are going to get on the individual message in terms of specific campaigns, Jedediah, you will get messages. And in fact, you see the Democrats pushing heavy on healthcare, on the immigration front. I can go on. But when it comes to Donald Trump, the reason Donald Trump I think in today's Washington Post has a 60 percent disapproval rating, which is a record high is that he inspires a great deal of anger, in fact fear among people on the other side of the political aisle.
BILA: People say like you are saying, he inspires anger, but then you have these people on the left coming out and comparing him to Usama bin Laden. So like...
WILLIAMS: No, no, no. That was in terms of his use of rhetoric. And remember, witch-hunt, fake news, I could go on. He is putting good with language and he does it in a very manipulative way in the way he repeats phrases over again. I mean, last night in Indiana, lock her up. You would think they are still running the 2016 campaign.
WILLIAMS: Yeah, Usama's messages, oh, my gosh. You talk about white grievance today, oh, Usama bin Laden was big on grievance for his guys.
EMILY COMPAGNO, GUEST CO-HOST: I think the rhetoric -- I mean, it is across the spectrum. I'm from the Bay Area and I had someone say to my face that they were glad that the Las Vegas shooting happened to country music fans because maybe then that segment of the population would appreciate gun control measures. And that kind of rhetoric is let alone from the hypocrisy, I mean, it's absolutely aberrant. And so, I think, you know, I'm not excusing that by any means, but I think it certainly is on all sides. And I think Al Gore is the last person by the way that should be telling someone to let it go. Hey, Al Gore, give it up. Gore V. Bush, anybody remember that?
What about, you know, Mark, what's interesting to me is that you see them going after Donald Trump right now.
MARK STEYN, GUEST CO-HOST: Right.
BILA: But this isn't about Trump. And you know, if something -- if Donald Trump did, let's say he woke up one day and did resign, got impeached, or whatever, Mike Pence is coming on in next. He is going to take even more heat, I would argue.
STEYN: Yeah, it doesn't matter. You know, Bush has Hitler and Trump is Usama bin Laden. And Mitt Romney had one, he would be Saddam Hussein or Kim Jong-un. And it doesn't really -- it doesn't really matter. I mean, what I do think is that if you're going to do this, you have to have a lighter touch. I mean that Al Gore joke of the EPA is now the CPA, the Coal Production Agency. That's comedy gold. Greg will be using that on his show.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Dead eye.
STEYN: So the fact is just forgetting that and just going straight to the Trump is Usama bin Laden -- you know, I like a bit of this stuff, Juan. But it isn't actually the same. Usama and Trump is not the same. I mean, it's not true. I mean, maybe they co-produced Ms. Universe for a couple of years back in the 1990s. And Usama said to Trump, hey, she is pretty hot this year. I don't think so.
And I don't think so. And so, I don't feel that are helpful to your side, just as a political slogan.
BILA: Does it work though, Greg? Does this kind of stuff work where you, you know, gin up the base and then you talk about impeachment and you equate the president with -- is it successful? Is that maybe a successful strategy for the midterms?
GUTFELD: I don't know. I just remember just like it was August 2012, Joe Biden told a diverse crowd that Republicans were going to put you all back in chains, now he's in a fiery speech this week about civility.
GUTFELD: So I think people have a short memory about their own standard. What I have learned about this is we are just running out of evil things to compare Trump to. Why don't you just go to the ultimate evil and compare Donald Trump to Donald Trump. Like this -- Donald Trump is as bad, if not worse, than Donald Trump. He has actually turned the media into little church ladies.
GUTFELD: Everything was caused -- everything was caused by Satan. Now, he has become the Satan. But this is how it works when you are comparing somebody to bin Laden or you're comparing them to Hitler, it's a flow chart of fascism. First, you demonize the leader, right? You call this figure Trump. You call him Hitler or bin Laden. But then, by extension, all the supporters are accessories to the evil. That means it is now OK to call his supporters appeasers and so on.
And then, what that does, that elevates any action, maybe by Antifa as somewhat heroic because it's a moral act because these people are evil. And then, finally, that encourages violence to suppress their political freedoms. And right now, I believe that we're between step 3 and step 4. We have seen violence by Antifa towards people trying to suppress their political freedoms, their political voice. We are seeing that happen. But the first thing have you got to do is demonize, you got to demonize. And that's what you are seeing.
STEYN: That's why the congressman saying to ICE if you -- if you enact Trump's orders, we're going to come after you, that stage or whatever it was.
GUTFELD: Yeah. It's getting there, it's getting there. And to your point, you have to bring up the fact that did he said -- what he said was overly.
BILA: Overly hyperbolic.
GUTFELD: Yeah, that was a great term, amazing term.
COMPAGNO: I have to be precise. Do you guys remember in the Berkeley protest recently, that there are members of Antifa that had their faces covered and Berkeley P.D. was taking mug shots of protesters arrested for holding weapons and other violent acts and they posted the mug shots on Twitter. And then, they were called out by the left for doxing these protesters. And that's not -- you don't get to -- it's conflating the protections and it goes back to what you're saying which is somehow kind of rendering them heroic for actually, no, just breaking the law and being thugs when it was actually a First Amendment.
WILLIAMS: Who is breaking the law, you mean, if someone is behaving in a violent aggressive behavior breaking the law.
WILLIAMS: But there is a distinction to be made that's very important to this conversation, which is that if people are standing up to those who are fascist and people who are...
GUTFELD: And hitting them with bike locks (ph).
WILLIAMS: And protesting against them, I think the violence as I recall -- the violence was perpetrated by the people.
BILA: You are totally right. The distinction is what you just said where they were arrested.
GUTFELD: What people? It was perpetrated by Antifa and protesters who were upset that Trump won.
GUTFELD: This stuff happened in Portland after the election. Those were not Trump people beating up people. So it came from the left. Look, we just spent a long period of time listening to the media saying how harmful Trump's rhetoric is about the press that it's going to gin up violence.
GUTFELD: So this -- where is the media on this stuff? Because this is actually ginning up rhetoric that could also lead to violence to just average Americans who happen to support the president.
WILLIAMS: But you know, the reality is that there was a real threat against the Boston Globe.
WILLIAMS: You understand that?
GUTFELD: That's why I'm bringing it up.
WILLIAMS: All right. I think that didn't come from the left, Gregory.
GUTFELD: Yeah. But the point is that was a verbal threat. If you look at the numbers of violent cases against reporters, it has gone down this year and has nothing to do with Trump.
WILLIAMS: Enemy of the people.
GUTFELD: Let me back this up, let me back this up with the evidence. If you look at incidences of violence against reporters, it's during protests that, quote, turn violent. So they either get hit by rioters or they get hit by anti-rioting agents like rubber bullets or things like that.
WILLIAMS: That's why people, reporters at Trump rallies are fearing for their lives.
GUTFELD: It wasn't a Trump rally.
GUTFELD: They were at protests.
BILA: If you care about these things, what's interesting to me is that folks on the west suddenly care about this violence. They suddenly care about extramarital affairs when it comes to presidents. They suddenly care about character and leadership. And it's really interesting to see them suddenly awake. If you are going to care about these things care about these things and you just care about violence that precipitated on both sides and you should care about character on both sides...
WILLIAMS: Everybody does.
BILA: No, they were people who adamantly defended Bill Clinton for years.
WILLIAMS: Excuse me. That's a false equivalent.
BILA: That's not false equivalent. We're talking about character and integrity.
WILLIAMS: Are you talking about Stormy?
GUTFELD: We have Facebook Friday coming up.
WILLIAMS: Because I'm going to tell you, it's about the potential for an FEC violation.
WILLIAMS: It's not about the sex.
BILA: All right. Hollywood rewrites history and outrages Americans, the liberal lunar controversy coming up next.
WILLIAMS: Welcome back. Hollywood creating new controversies. First, a new movie starring Ryan Gosling as former astronaut Neil Armstrong receiving, it's receiving a big backlash because the film intentionally leaves out the iconic moment in 1969 when the American flag was planted on the moon. The Canadian actor defends the decision to omit Old Glory. He says the historic mission transcends countries and borders as a human achievement. And Gosling says he doesn't think Neil Armstrong views himself as an American hero. This comes as a new report in Variety shows just how Gosling's celebrity friends are gearing up for the midterms. They are donating big bucks, more than $27 million to try to help Democrats win back control of the Congress. So, Mark, let's start with the landing on the moon in this movie.
GUTFELD: Never happened.
WILLIAMS: Oh, my God. It did happen. I'm totally derailed. Now, we are down conspiracy lane. Can we hold off -- hold off on the conspiracy for just a second. Can I get that? Back to you, Mark.
STEYN: Yeah, it did happen. I'm a Canadian like Ryan Gosling. We landed on the moon. The Canadian Red Ensign was the first flag to be landed on the moon and you Americans faked it up in that bit of Utah desert or whatever it is. I think this -- this is pathetically sad. You know what I like about the moon landing by the way? When they got up there, they had a cassette machine and they played Frank Sinatra and Count Basie singing Fly Me to the Moon, first music ever played on the moon ever played on the moon. And that is American. Because if it had been the Russians, they would have played something big by the Soviet 1812 Overture or something, and the Germans would have played Beethoven. There is something very American. Only the Americans could have done that. Kennedy set the nation a challenge. It rose to the challenge and being American, they exceeded it and that flag should be in that story. It's just a bad story telling if you ask me.
WILLIAMS: I was going to ask you, going to the heart of the argument, let's take Gosling on his face. He says this is a tremendous human achievement, not just an American achievement, is that a good argument?
COMPAGNO: I see where he's coming from, but I will say that part of the beauty of being an American is the fact that it does represent so many other cultures that have come here and then we all are Americans together. And when I was little, I wanted to be an astronaut. And I had Buzz Aldrin posters and I went to Space Camp and Space Academy, and Air Force Academy. I did all that stuff. And at all of those camps, there were American flags everywhere. And it was always in the shared love of pursuit of space and flight and living among the stars and playing among the stars. And it wasn't from nationalistic to the detriment of other types of cultures type of indoctrination happening. So I totally disagree with how that's portrayed. And did you see by the Chuck Yeager's tweet today how he was like, that's not Neil Armstrong I remember in response to look what the these Hollywood cats are doing.
WILLIAMS: Let me just -- let me offer a nationalistic statement, Jedediah. I think the United States paid for this, took the risk, and put those men on the moon.
BILA: That's exactly right. I can never watch the Notebook the same again after this. This is Noah Calhoun, this is like my fantasy guy. And now, I have got to hear this insanity.
STEYN: You didn't like him in "La La Land," did you?
GUTFELD: He just got married, Jedediah.
BILA: For years, Noah Calhoun, I thought he was going to come, build me a house, the shutters and everything. Now, this is lack of patriotism. But no, this is insanity. And this -- what drives me crazy about this is that this is what we do to make everybody feel better and everybody has to be part of everything. No, this guy was an American. He went to the moon. He planted an American flag. Stop rewriting history to make everybody feel like they're part of everything. If the Canadian or anyone else had gone to the moon, I would expect them to plant a Canadian flag and I would expect that to be part of the story. So what's outrageous to me is that just tell the truth, the story as it was. Yes, it's a human achievement, but this guy was American and that's part of the story.
WILLIAMS: I think it's true. By the way, I think that Ryan Gosling is pretty cute, but Greg Gutfeld is sitting next to you. He's sitting right there.
GUTFELD: I feel a little cold.
GUTFELD: No, I actually -- I have to disagree with everybody here. Ryan Gosling was only half-right. He didn't go the whole way. First of all, the title first man, very sexist. It could easily have been a woman at that time, if there was a female astronaut. So why did they need a male actor to play Neil Armstrong. They should have had a female, perhaps Reese Witherspoon should have played. Because it's not -- it's not an American achievement or a masculine achievement. It's just an achievement. So anybody could have played Neil Armstrong.
Also, what really upsets me is that he's a Canadian playing an American. Hollywood, how can they allow cultural appropriation like this? That is totally immoral. But the worst thing about this is, in all seriousness, he has no right to speak for Neil Armstrong. He shouldn't have said that. That's the problem with this. He shouldn't have said, he thought he knew what Neil Armstrong was thinking. And last point is it was called the Space Race. It was a race to the moon among countries and that's why it was called a Space Race.
WILLIAMS: You know, that's a good history lesson. I think sometimes people don't that remember there was such a thing as Sputnik.
WILLIAMS: And then, we were afraid that the Russians in fact...
STEYN: They were ahead in the early years. If the Soviets had gotten there first, that flag would have been in the movie.
GUTFELD: That's a good point. Ryan Gosling would play the Russian proudly.
STEYN: Oh, comrade.
WILLIAMS: All right, all right. Now, we continue beating up on Hollywood. Emily, what about Hollywood raising money for Democrats for the midterms?
COMPAGNO: Well, I think that coming out of Hollywood, there is such hypocrisy. And I just want to point out that the EEOC investigated Studios there for discrimination, right. There is a reason there is hash tag of Oscars So White. And there are so many problems there that I feel that kind of projecting on to what is so wrong with the right side of the spectrum in their eyes and that kind of loud glaring emanating, they really should turn that -- those glasses inward because there is a lot of work that needs to be done.
BILA: Let them go. I want Hollywood front and center. The more they do for politicians, the more -- the majority of Americans reject those candidates. I want to see them front and center, the money.
STEYN: The 10/27 election night, 2016, US Weekly said inside the Hillary Clinton victory party, oh, look, there is Katy Perry. There is Lady Gaga. Twenty minutes later, Cher arrives. The room was deserted. Cher understood it was loser central and left. It didn't work last time, so it's not going work this time.
WILLIAMS: What about the money from Las Vegas they were able to send on all of those guys? I think that Vegas has given money to the Republicans.
Anyway, President Trump fires warning shots at the Justice Department, the FBI. Who is he firing at? Everybody at a raucous Indiana rally. Man, you're going to love this highlights when we return.
STEYN: Welcome back. President Trump launches blistering attacks at the Justice Department, the FBI, big tech, and the Democrats at his rally in Indiana. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Our Justice Department and our FBI have to start doing their jobs and doing it right and doing it now. Because people are angry.
What's happening is a disgrace. But at some point, if it doesn't straighten out properly, I want them to do their job, I will get involved. You look at Google, Facebook, Twitter, and other social media giants, and I've made it clear that we as a country cannot tolerate political censorship.
Today's Democrat Party is held hostage by left-wing haters, angry mobs, deep-state radicals, establishment cronies, and their fake news allies.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
STEYN: I think that was the greatest intro. They got all your qualities.
STEYN: Fantastic. They had a blast.
WILLIAMS: Well, here is my favorite part, Mark. I don't know if you got to see this. But they had the president's daughter-in-law doing television for the crowd. And people were saying it looked like pragda (ph). Because she was there, she was like, yes, here he comes and here it goes. Forget Fox, forget all the networks, forget the enemies of the American people. They have created their own network now, pretty good. And then, when the protesters showed up after they were chanting lock her up, the president said, where did she come from like what happened?
STEYN: Yeah. No, that was at the moment in the speech when he said he was replacing NAFTA with the U.S.-Mexican Trade Agreement, and a lady in the crowd suddenly goes bananas. I assumed she was the Canadian foreign minister.
WILLIAMS: How did that happen?
GUTFELD: It was Ryan Gosling.
STEYN: She was -- she was dragged out as Ryan Gosling was dancing. Jedediah, there is something serious here, though. The whole business that he is giving the FBI, the Department of Justice, he is saying you got an issue here and we have to do something about it.
BILA: Oh, yeah. I mean, this is -- you are inclined initially to say OK, you don't want an executive branch that's too powerful. You want to respect the Justice Department, you want to respect the FBI. And then, you see this stuff coming out Bruce Ohr and his wife. It gets so ridiculous that the president has to come out and say, look, something is going on here that's not right. And if you follow the trail, it's almost scary, actually, that it's happened.
The other thing that I will point to though that's interesting whenever I watch these is that it's really refreshing for see a Republican that does these well.
BILA: Because for a very long time, you know, I have talked about Republicans having a hard time with communications and you hear about President Obama with his great oratory. This is a guy who gets up, he does feed red meat to the base, but he also isn't afraid to bring up controversial things like bringing up the FBI and the Justice Department, ruffles a lot of feathers.
BILA: People start calling him a dictator, but he has to do it. And he is not afraid to do it. So I'm like, amen, say what needs to be said. There's a lot of people at home cheering for you, for these specific points. And if it wasn't happening in such a horrific and painful way, maybe he wouldn't have to talk about the Justice Department and the FBI. But this stuff is beyond the pale.
STEYN: Yes, and it's actually -- I mean, that point of yours, it's actually a new form he's discovered. I mean, I like the way he actually calls globalist elites "globalist elites." It's -- there's something -- he's found something that works for him.
GUTFELD: He is a cable talk show host that became president. OK? Let's be clear. That's why he's good at it; that's why it's new.
And his rallies, I always say, they are the EZ Pass around the media toll booth. You know, if he can't get past that traffic jam, he gets on that frontage road; and he's around that and he gets by them. And gets directly -- he goes over and to the right of the media to get directly to the people.
And it's an antidote to the anti-Trump blood feast that's on the other channels. I -- they almost mirror each other, I will say that, in their fervor. The uglier it gets in the anti-Trump world, the more kind of -- the louder this gets. And I don't know if you would need these rallies if the media has more of a reasonable perspective. Because --
Having said that, I'm a little rallied out.
STEYN: Tired of winning?
GUTFELD: I'm tired of winning. I'm tired of winning. It not that what he's saying is wrong. It's that he needs to mix it up. It's like -- he's like an old rock band with classic hits, and he needs a couple of new hits to play to the audience, because I've heard a lot of it.
WILLIAMS: You're just jealous.
GUTFELD: I am jealous.
WILLIAMS: "Lock her up, lock her up."
STEYN: Here's side two, track three from his new album. His threat to take down big tech. You're a lawyer, Emily. What do you make of that?
COMPAGNO: I appreciate the fact that it's a direct call to the public. I agree with the EZ Pass. I agree with that fact that it -- it kind of harnesses that the media has a chance to distort or just change or portray the message any way that I want -- that they want. So I appreciate that.
I will say that, it's -- even in their coverage, clear that the conservative voice is being suppressed and oppressed. And the reason I say that is, for example, every time that I search for an article to study or to tweet out from this network, I have to specifically add in FOX News onto Google to have the FOX News article brought up.
STEYN: And -- and --
COMPAGNO: There is no way that it is presented to me equally from the others. So I appreciate --
STEYN: And the worst part of that is it's always one of Juan's articles.
WILLIAMS: Thank you.
STEYN: A new study -- a new study -- this is the big news of the day. A new stud has settled the longstanding dispute which sex is better behind the wheel. That answer is next on "The Five."
COMPAGNO: No one asked me, but I would have liked to have "Footloose" on there.
So before you hit the road this Labor Day weekend, listen up. The longstanding debate on whether men or women make better drivers has been settled, and it turns out, while some guys may brag about being better behind the wheel, a new study concludes it's actually us ladies who are officially superior.
British researchers say female drivers are safer and have fewer accidents.
Now, I have to tell you guys, A, I drive like a maniac; and I certainly used to. I had my license suspended by the time I was 18. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Because I got too many tickets.
GUTFELD: That's your car?
COMPAGNO: That is my car. So that's a '72 Mach 1 351 Sebring (ph). So now you guys know kind of why I -- I like to drive fast. I like to go fast. But at the time, when I was 16, my parents obviously were, like, were not getting the spaz (ph) that. So I had a Volvo station wagon, which was awesome. And I packed 12 kids into the station wagon before I even had my license, drove everyone to the city of San Francisco and, like, cruised around all night and came back. And I'm sure -- I'm sure my parents are now fainting.
But -- so, tell me about -- on that note, all right, Juan, what's your dream car, and I feel like I can see you as a cautious, law-abiding driver.
WILLIAMS: I didn't even know how to drive, because I grew up in New York. I didn't know how to drive until my wife was pregnant, and she told me, "You're going to drive me to the hospital."
COMPAGNO: Stop, is that true?
GUTFELD: That's a great reason. That is a great reason.
WILLIAMS: But, you know, I have questions about this study. by the way. You know, I mean, normally, the conservatives at the table are the ones who are skeptical of these studies. Well, here's a study. Now who did this study? I think it's a group of women, and I think my wife was involved. How can it be that women are better drivers than men?
GUTFELD: Be careful, Juan.
COMPAGNO: How can it be?
WILLIAMS: Men drive -- men drive more. Right?
GUTFELD: Stop it, Juan.
WILLIAMS: Men do drive more.
GUTFELD: I'm putting up a warning stop sign. Stop sign.
WILLIAMS: All right, but wait a minute. It says here -- it says here on the phone, doing makeup, eating, and smoking are problems for people while they're driving. Now, who does this? When is the last time you put on makeup in a car, Greg?
GUTFELD: Well, yesterday. I work in TV.
All right. Just -- I want to pull -- can I pull Juan out of this? OK. Insurance, this is not news. Insurance rates reflect this, that women pay lower rates, because they are safer drivers; and men generally take more risks. They tend to speed.
The riskiest driver is a teenage male. They are usually the ones that are involved in the most homicides -- the reason -- vehicular deaths, not homicides. But men in general behave riskier based on your hormone levels and natural selection. Football is orchestrated collision without cars. This is we do. So it is.
STEYN: That's why this survey proves men's point, because when -- this survey says that women get fewer tickets and fewer prosecutions and lower insurance rates. Because why men think women are worse drivers is because they obey the law.
GUTFELD: Right. They obey the law.
STEYN: It's 30 miles an hour, and the woman ahead of you is doing 27 miles an hour in third gear, and you're like itching to pass her.
COMPAGNO: A lot of generalization happening right now.
STEYN: That's the point. It's -- this is -- this is also the last survey that you can divide between men and women the sexes. Everything else it would be 58 genders. How does -- how do non-binary people drive? I -- actually, I'm non-binary. Sometimes I drive on the right; sometimes I drive on the left.
COMPAGNO: How do you keep it straight?
STEYN: Yes, yes.
COMPAGNO: Jedediah, what about you?
BILA: Yes, the men in my life, they don't like to ask for directions. And then what happens --
WILLIAMS: Yes, that's true.
GUTFELD: I've never heard of that stereotype.
BILA: But it's two fold. You don't like to ask for directions, and then you become enraged. And that inspires the road rage --
BILA: -- because you can't figure out where you're going. So I don't know. You know, I passed my driving test the first time in a snow storm, just to throw that out there.
WILLIAMS: By the way --
BILA: A lot of women have stories.
GUTFELD: The solution -- Juan, I'm saving you again.
GUTFELD: The solution is self-driving cars, which will eliminate all vehicular deaths.
COMPAGNO: That's a terrible solution.
GUTFELD: No, no, no. Listen. Right now, the -- one of the No. 1 causes of death are distracted driving, which is texting and -- and doing whatever -- what Juan was talking about, which is going to overtake drunk driving. Self-driving cars will never be distracted. Will never be distracted. They don't text, and they don't drink.
STEYN: They're women drivers. That's the point. They're like -- the self -- the self-driving car is like being driven by a woman.
GUTFELD: Well that's good. That's good. Because that means they have fewer accidents, and lives are saved.
COMPAGNO: I need to give you a ride in the Mach 1. You need to see the inside.
WILLIAMS: Wait, wait, look at this. Listen to this. It says here 71 percent of car accident casualties are men. Only 20 percent, 29 percent are women.
BILA: You -- you will stop at nothing with this robot thing.
GUTFELD: I'm just telling you, that eliminates the fatalities.
COMPAGNO: The fatality that came out of Arizona in the self-driving car, remember what human was in shotgun overseeing that self-driving car. It was a male, and he was distracted, looking down. I rest my case.
GUTFELD: All right.
COMPAGNO: So next, don't go anywhere. "Fan Mail Friday" is next.
GUTFELD: It's "Fan Mail Friday." You have questions; we have the answers, I think.
OK. This is from Alan. There's a common name you don't hear much of these days. "What's the first thing you would do if aliens landed on our planet?" Mark.
STEYN: I think I'd ask if he was called Alan. Since you brought it up. There's a -- "Alan" and "alien" are actually very similar. When you think about it.
GUTFELD: That's true. If you add -- remove one vowel and add an "I-E." That's an interesting kind of thing. Alien, right?
GUTFELD: I don't want to pull a Kilmeade and do a misspelling.
WILLIAMS: Take him to our leader.
GUTFELD: There you go, Trump?
GUTFELD: That would be amazing.
WILLIAMS: That would be a great meeting, right?
GUTFELD: He would check if they had papers and then he would build a wall around them.
WILLIAMS: They're illegal immigrants. Illegal immigrants.
BILA: Deport them.
WILLIAMS: You've got to go, guys.
STEYN: Alien aliens, here you are. You look fabulous. We've got to get a Trump resort up there.
GUTFELD: A golf course.
WILLIAMS: A Trump resort. "Have you met Putin?" he'd say.
GUTFELD: All right, Emily, first thing you'd do if --
COMPAGNO: I would figure out if they are hostile or friendly. Hostile get non-perishable food and hide in the basement.
COMPAGNO: And if they were friendly, then I would be all about it, you guys. Space, astronauts, I would love it.
BILA: You know, this depends on what they would look like. If they were cute and small and not intimidating, I would probably be inclined to be, "Ahh," like they were, like, a puppy or a kitten. But if they were --
STEYN: Ryan Gosling?
BILA: Exactly, Ryan Gosling.
GUTFELD: There you go.
BILA: But if they were scary, I would run. I would run.
GUTFELD: I think you know the answer. The first thing I would do is eat them. Because I am so tired of us eating earthlings. Cows are earthlings, land is -- we're all earthlings, and we're eating earthlings. If an alien landed, I would say, "No, that's the food that we eat."
BILA: What if it was poisoned and sent here just so people like you would --
GUTFELD: I would have somebody -- I'd have a taster first. I'd have a taster. I'd ask Juan. I'd go, "Juan, try this. Try this little green man."
WILLIAMS: Let Mikey try it.
GUTFELD: Exactly. It would be delicious.
No, what if an alien came down and looked likes one of those awesome Cinnabons that you get at the airport? You're not going to be able to stop yourself. And they're really nice, sweet, but they look like they're Cinnabons. You'd have to eat them.
WILLIAMS: You would have eaten E.T.
GUTFELD: Yes, I would have.
WILLIAMS: That's you.
GUTFELD: Although it's a little stringy for me.
All right. Carl -- this is a good question from carl. What do you think is the greatest invention of all time, Juan?
WILLIAMS: Music. I like music a lot.
WILLIAMS: TV is not bad, right?
WILLIAMS: By the way, I think the iPhone, you know, that has -- you can take photographs. You can keep your music on it, your family -- I mean, it's incredible.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's a good one.
WILLIAMS: That's a good one.
GUTFELD: What about you, Jed?
BILA: I would say the vacuum sealing of potato chips. Stuff that, like, keeps stuff fresh so that it stays on the shelves. No, it's fascinating. Honestly.
GUTFELD: It is. It scares me that that's fascinating, but go ahead.
BILA: No, think about it. How does my salt and vinegar potato chip stay fresh on the shelf for that long? Like, that's pretty cool.
BILA: That's the first thing that came to mind. What do you want?
STEYN: I think vacuum sealing of potato chips is actually the worst invention. My -- my upper body strength is deteriorating at a terrible rate, and it's like years since I got into the salt and vinegar potato chips.
BILA: Too tough. That's why.
GUTFELD: All right, Emily.
COMPAGNO: All right. My head says vaccines, you know, medical developments. My heart says the car.
GUTFELD: That's interesting.
COMPAGNO: The vehicle.
GUTFELD: Very, very good.
WILLIAMS: Could have had a horse before, you know?
COMPAGNO: Yes, and actually, the sickest car garage I've ever been to was the -- in Russia. Catherine, the -- all of her carriages that were like gold and red. And I definitely was -- had a bit of a Cinderella moment, I will say. So sure, the mechanized transport, the wheel. The wheel.
GUTFELD: You know what I would say? I would say kind of the longer version of the shoehorn.
GUTFELD: The shoehorn that you don't have to sit down.
STEYN: That's fantastic.
GUTFELD: Isn't it? It's probably the best thing ever invented. Because there's nothing worse than trying to get your shoe on and you get your finger stuck between the back of the shoe.
STEYN: Yes. The little one, yes.
GUTFELD: The little one is stupid; you lose the little one. But you get a nice long one made of wood.
GUTFELD: And you sit, and sometimes when you've an itch --
GUTFELD: -- that's not so bad, either.
STEYN: You shouldn't use that. It will ruin the curve.
WILLIAMS: I'll tell you, living with cranky old men.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's true.
David -- this is from David. "If it was Freaky" -- oh, jeez, this question scares me. "It was freaky Friday and just like the movie, you have to switch bodies for the day. Who would you swap with?" All right, Emily, and keep it clean, please. This is a family show.
COMPAGNO: Some type of Olympic athlete so I would know what it was like to be awesome physically and win a gold.
GUTFELD: That's nice. That was clean.
COMPAGNO: You're welcome.
BILA: I think I would -- I would -- I think I would swap with Trump for a day.
BILA: To honestly feel, like, that sense of power and, honestly, then I could make stuff happen. Sign a few executive orders.
WILLIAMS: Wait a minute. It said body. So you'd have to be eating all those burgers and --
BILA: Listen, if I could get a few executive orders through, it's a small price to pay.
WILLIAMS: All right. Just for a day.
BILA: One day.
STEYN: You'd look great with Trump hair.
I -- I'd like to -- if I'd swap -- Lena Dunham.
STEYN: I think I would make a great Lena Dunham. And we look pretty similar without clothes on.
GUTFELD: Oh, come on.
STEYN: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
WILLIAMS: I was thinking, you know, I think Usain Bolt is fast. I mean, that would be incredible to feel that degree of speed. But then I was thinking about, like, Baryshnikov, right? Being a beautiful dancer.
And the other day I saw -- I saw something about Muhammad Ali, and I realized, "Wow, that guy was graceful and fast and powerful," but I'm not sure -- I mean, everybody ages. I mean, you know?
GUTFELD: I would swap -- I would switch with my wife just to know what it's like to live with me, and it might help me. Like, if she -- if I'm, like, sitting across from me at dinner and going out, I can actually see what drives her crazy, because I actually don't see what drives her crazy until -- you know, that would be the best use of my time.
STEYN: Very weird. You want to change into your wife so you can know what it's like to be in love with yourself?
GUTFELD: Exactly. If that's not a movie -- if that's not a movie, I don't know what is.
WILLIAMS: That's narcissism at a new level.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. All right. "One More Thing" is up next.
BILA: It is time now for "One More Thing." Juan, you're up first.
WILLIAMS: All right. So R-E-S-P-E-C-T to the guards at Buckingham Palace. Yes, that's right. While Aretha Franklin was being laid to rest today in Detroit, the guard at Buckingham Palace in London performed Aretha's 1967 mega hit "Respect" at the changing of the guard. Watch this
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(MUSIC: MILITARY BAND PERFORMING ARETHA FRANKLIN'S "RESPECT")
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMS: The Guard later issued a statement saying "R-E-S-P-E-C-T "underpins all they do in the British military, and they wanted to pay tribute to Aretha Franklin. By the way, the Guard did the same thing when they played the U.S. national anthem in the days after the 9/11 terror attack in New York. Much R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect for the Buckingham Palace Guard.
BILA: Aww, that's pretty cool.
COMPAGNO: That was a good one.
COMPAGNO: All right. I am taking a page out of Greg's playbook right now by doing two "One More Things."
The first one is for you, Greg. Look what I brought for you. I have a present. I made this last night. It's hand sanitizer with a unicorn taped to it --
COMPAGNO: -- because you sneeze into your hands.
GUTFELD: That is true.
COMPAGNO: And so there you go. And yesterday I made the things I hate about everybody list of Greg's, and I want to --
BILA: Congratulations, Emily. That's quite an honor.
GUTFELD: It's a unicorn throwing up. It's a unicorn throwing -- when they throw up, it's a rainbow. It's a rainbow.
COMPAGNO: All right. So my real "One More Thing" is on the day that Senator John McCain is lying in state in our nation's capital, I just wanted to honor his legacy of service in the United States Navy, which is close to my heart, because my father was a commander in the U.S. Navy; and he was a physician in the medical corps. That's him in 1977, two years before I was born.
So I wanted to draw attention to the Navy's hospital ship, which just announced a two-month humanitarian mission deployment to Central and South America. And I just feel like it's important to highlight all the humanitarian work our defense forces do globally and how much good and aid our soldiers give us, service with our partners.
BILA: Amen. Greg.
GUTFELD: All right. I have two today, too. All right. "The Greg Gutfeld Show," tomorrow night, 10 p.m. Brand-new. This is an excellent show. We've got Terry Schappert, Mike Baker, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. It's going to blow your socks off.
OK, it's time for this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I hate these people!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right. I am tired of the soup sampler. When I'm in line getting soup, and you're trying, "Can I have a sample of that?" When you're in a deli, do you ask for bites of sandwiches? Because there are people behind you. Just pick a soup. It's not like you're buying a suit.
BILA: My husband does that with ice cream. Don't even get me started. Don't even get me started.
All right. I have a good one. A North Carolina woman, she was expecting to find a package, getting a package delivered to her doorstep, but instead she gets this note from a UPS driver in her mailbox. And the note says -- this is to Marcy Lanier -- "Bear in driveway." The guy could not deliver her package, because there was an actual bear in her driveway. And I just -- I envy this situation.
WILLIAMS: But Jed --
GUTFELD: Actually, Alec Baldwin.
WILLIAMS: Jedediah, how did he get the note there?
GUTFELD: Yes, that's a good point.
BILA: I guess he left the note. He was able to leave the note, but I guess he wasn't going to brave the driveway to, you know, contend with the bear.
STEYN: OK, this used to be my favorite dancing head of government. This is Donald Trump dancing with the Sauds. That's a big show they have in Saudi Arabia.
But my new favorite dancing head of government --
STEYN: -- is the British prime minister, Theresa May. Juan was saying he wanted to be Baryshnikov. This is his perfect dancing partner. Look at -- look at those moves. That's Theresa May doing the -- I believe they call it "The Macarena." It's a fantastic -- it's a fantastic -- and she's going to. Are we going to see the bit where she turns around and shakes her little backside?
WILLIAMS: Hey, hey, hey, slow down.
STEYN: I love that.
BILA: All right. That's it for us today. Be sure to turn in Monday for our Labor Day fan mail special. You won't want to miss it. "Special Report" is coming up next.
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