Democrats are upset that Howard Schultz could split the Democratic vote causing Trump to be re-elected

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Democrats are upset that Howard Schultz could split the Democratic vote causing Trump to be re-elected

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is upsetting Democrats for having the nerve to say he's running for president as an independent.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," Febrauary 2, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, ANCHOR, MSNBC: It is like negative 50 degrees in the Dakotas right now. What would happen if Russia killed the power in Fargo today? Right? What would happen if all of the natural gas lines that service Sioux Falls? Just poofed on the coldest day in recent memory. And it wasn't in our power, whether or not to turn them back on. I mean, what would you do if you lost heat indefinitely as the act of a foreign power?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: You've got to hand it to her. She could even make the weather about the Russians.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: What a week it was if your name was Cliff Sims. Two weeks ago you were a nobody. A zero. You'd say, "Hey, my name is Cliff Sims." And people would laugh because it's a funny name. Cliff Sims named after a rock formation and a computer game. But it's amazing what a tell-all will do for name recognition.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Cliff Sims joins us now. Welcome.

CLIFF SIMS, FORMER WHITE HOUSE AIDE: My main goal here is to have as much fun as The Mooch.

It was a lot of kind of the "Game of Thrones," backstabbing, all that kind of stuff.

He's got a beautiful white marble bathroom.

I was a viper, too. I was one of them.

I just saw Sean Spicer toting a refrigerator out of here with a cord dangling.

He got a new chandelier in there, which was paid for with his own money.

And the whole atmosphere is kind of like, can you believe it? Here we are.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Well, would you look at that. Suddenly this guy gets more air time than a Frisbee at a Phish concert. It's not his fault. He's just giving the lock step lemmings what they want, Trump with all the trimmings. And it doesn't matter if what they gobble up is the same crap they inhaled a month before.

Cliff Sims, a former White House staffer is now Cliff Sims, superstar for a week, and why? Because he is a fink. His tell-all has all the shocking details. Get this, for example, the President uses Tresemme Extra Hold hair spray.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I know. I know, fancy. Five bucks. It's a popular hair spray for average Joe's with orange hair.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Get this, Trump would often point out to Oval Office visitors where Clinton and Lewinski had sex.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Who wouldn't do that? It's like the most interesting thing to happen in the Oval Office. It's a stain on our history and the office rug. So the media waits breathlessly on its hind legs rubbing up against Cliff's knees for scraps.

It says more about the media than Sims who they use like a blow up doll, punching in and then punching out and tossing him on to the pile of narcs who came before him. And the media wonders why we have such a low opinion of the media, because they have a low opinion of you.

They want - they think we actually want this. Worse, they think it matters because they're still nursing bruises from 2016. It's why the rest of us felt satisfied with the "Daily Telegraph" had to apologize and pay money to Melania for making a [bleep] about her, and some of that crap was taken from a previous tell-all, which contained loads of other [bleep].

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Imagine that, an unreliable tell-all, how could that be? Look, tell-alls never put the subject in a good light, that's why it's always, "a shocking tell-all" not a flattering tell-all. As a boss, I know I can be a target of such things. They are doing a documentary on me right now and I've got to tell you, it's not pretty.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's it like to work with Greg?

GENE: Well, one day, last year, he made me stay late. It was my birthday and he knew that I wanted to go out with my friends and he said, "No, you still have to work anyway." He said it was important. And he sent me downtown to go pick up a package for him and when I got there, he had thrown like this huge surprise party for me. All of my friends and family were there somehow.

Abba was there performing an outdoor concert for all the guests. It was amazing. Eric Estrada was there signing autographs for people. How did Greg know that Eric Estrada was my long lost half-brother?

It's the best birthday I ever had and when I ask people how Greg pulled this off and why wasn't he there. They told me he was at my apartment watering my plants because he knew I wouldn't be able to do it that night. I mean, what a guy.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That wasn't so bad. The fact is, you can clap for me.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Not for him. Not over. Basically a tell-all relies on trash and a low-level garbage man who needs money to offer such trash because no publisher is going to folk out the dough to a book called, "Meetings with Trump: He is awesome." Trashing the subject is the business model, which has now stretched for two years, and you can't do a tell-all about a boring person. You know, Chapter 1, he stretched. Imagine, a tell-all about Mike Pence.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Rumor has it, his wife once caught him looking at another woman. It was the Virgin Mary.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Nope, if you lived any kind of life, there is going to be dirt. Me, I got more dirt than El Chapo's fingernails.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Here is what my staff is saying about me.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So you and Greg have worked together for a while. Are you guys close?

KATHERINE TIMPF, HOST: One time, he invited me to his office. It was late. We were alone. One thing led to another and he found my cat. He had just gone missing the day before. I was so grateful. Then when I got home, I saw that he made a donation to a local hospital in my name. He never even mentioned it. He also did my laundry.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, that could have been worse.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So the media gets its injection of gossip and before it's debunked, they've already moved on to the next book. Cliff Sims was a low- level hack, but they could go even lower. I can't wait to see the next books. You know, "Grounds for Impeachment," as told by the White House gardener. "Boiling Over," I burned Trump steaks and 12 other chapters from the White House chef. "Inside Trump," a memoir with foldout colonoscopies by the President's gastroenterologist.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Fact is, everyone has something to say. And frankly, I've got to say that worries me.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Has Greg ever gotten mad at you for anything?

LUIGI: Yes, one time I was really late. My train was delayed, and by the time I got there, Greg was in my office and he looked pissed. Then he looked at me. He said, "I thought you were dead." And he got up and he hugged me the biggest best hug I've ever had, better than any of my dad's hugs even. And then he pulled out his wallet and he gave me $600.00 for no reason.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Bottom line, the richer the life, the juicier the tell-all, which is why nobody will ever care about the Jim Acosta tell-all. By the way, it's called "My Angry Cure for Sleep Apnea." Because no one in the media will ever get a tell-all like the ones they give to Trump. What's the difference between the press and Trump? He's interesting. The media not even close. Well, except for me.

(Laughter)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So you've known Greg for a really long time. Do you have any cool stories from the Red Eye days?

TOM: Oh, yes, sure. Back in 2012, I was on my way over to Greg's house and right as I was about to knock on the door, I heard screaming and I knew it wasn't Greg screams because I know Greg screams, but it just kept getting louder and louder and louder. So I just kicked in the door and what I saw was unbelievable. Greg was delivering a baby. Apparently when he's not at Fox, Greg volunteers as a midwife. So I apologized about the door and he said, "Oh, don't worry about that old thing. I was going to have it replaced. Here have a hoagie."

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What happened after that?

TOM: Oh, he gave me $600.00.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So have you ever had any problems working with Greg?

GABBY: Oh, yes, last month, I was pretty convinced Greg had a drinking problem. He would only drink seven glasses of water a day. And when I told him he should drink eight, he took my advice, and then doubled my salary. Now I can quit my night job at the refinery, and spend more time volunteering at the orphanage Greg founded.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So you were with Greg in the early days. Any stories from back then?

HOLLY: Oh, yes. Well, I don't really like to talk about it that much. But back in the early days. There were a lot of late nights and Greg got me hooked on drugs. Baby aspirin. Now, every day. I take a baby aspirin because it reduces your risk of heart disease. You know, I didn't know this at the time, but before the GG show, Greg practiced medicine at this orphanage he founded. He also gave me $600 once.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. Homeless people give him change, comedian Jimmy Failla. Try saying her name drunk, I dare you. Fox Business Network reporter Kristina Partsinevelos. She cheered at the end of Old Yeller, host of the "Tyrus and Timpf" podcast, Kat Timpf. And the Eiffel Tower is this golf club, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick and the host of "Un-PC" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, HOST, FOX NATION: Boom.

GUTFELD: Jimmy, good to see you dressed up again.

JIMMY FAILLA, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: I did.

GUTFELD: Today's man is suiting you.

FAILLA: You're killing it, man. Don't assume my gender by the way.

GUTFELD: I know. I'm sorry about that. So these tell-alls, don't they have to step it up a bit because I feel like they are retreads.

FAILLA: Well, what's going on and I'll be honest, I haven't read any of the tell-alls. I'm waiting for the boxed set to come out.

(Laughter)

FAILLA: But what's going on is yes, when you do go into sell one of these books, you have to get the publisher interested. So they do a lot embellishing. I mean, I know this, I have a book out. It's called "Follow that Car," if you like reading at a third grade level, you will love this book.

But it also at the same time, as you read the inner workings of this administration and what goes on in the White House, you're kind of appreciative of it. Because could you imagine how boring the tell-alls about Hillary Clinton would be?

GUTFELD: Oh my god.

FAILLA: The only interesting chapter --

TIMPF: I know, I think she gets pretty drunk.

FAILLA: Yes, maybe. Well, the only interesting chapter would be when all the computers got a virus because Huma let Anthony Wiener use the Wi-Fi.

(Laughter)

KRISTINA PARTSINEVELOS, REPORTER: I would have thought it would have been like which colored power suit should she wear for that day.

FAILLA: Spoken like a fan of the power suit by the way.

PARTSIVELOS: I know, that's a lot.

GUTFELD: Yes, that is quite a power suit, Kristina.

PARTSIVELOS: It's a onesy.

GUTFELD: Kristina, you're a business person or so I'm told. This is actually a business. I mean, Trump is basically revitalizing the tell- alls.

PARTSIVELOS: Yes, I know. Why not capitalize on this? Using literally political sales for books or politic book climbed when 25% just the last year in 2018, so even if you just saw him drive by or you're the gardener, the cook -- why not write a book about it? Like you mentioned at the top of the show, so they are capitalizing. Everybody - everybody has written one and I've read one of them, "Fear" by Bob Woodward. There was nothing in it that was anything exciting or anything you could really write about.

GUTFELD: Yes, I was going to ask you, Kat, who would you rather be the subject of a tell-all or the writer of a tell-all, and then I realized you actually occupied the same space. Because you're like your own tell-all.

TIMPF: Yes, I really kind of just wear all my secrets on my sleeve. And then I'm like, "Why doesn't anyone like me?" You know. This wasn't shocking. It was more of the same, right, like things were a little crazy in the White House.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: We knew that already. That it would be like someone writing a tell-all about the Kardashians that was like, they wear makeup, you know. Really not that shocking. It would be shocking if somebody came out with a book that said, "I worked for Trump and I was bored, and he ate a lot of salads," like that would really, really shock me.

But the thing is, no matter how many of these books come out, it doesn't really matter because no one really cares. The people who support the President, they're going to support him no matter what's going on in the White House because they like his policy proposals. They like his agenda and that's all that really matters to them. So it's kind of a waste.

GUTFELD: It is. It is. I mean, I will say this, Tyrus, I enjoy the little tidbits, but they mean nothing to me. That's it. Like what Kat says --

MURDOCH: Really, Greg?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Little tidbits and a tell-all mean nothing to you? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

GUTFELD: Yes, what are you trying to infer?

MURDOCH: I don't because I wasn't allowed - my tell-all wasn't up there.

GUTFELD: Right now. Do your tell-all.

MURDOCH: Wasn't that crazy? I didn't get any - you asked every employee. No one even knew who Holly was. They do now.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Why was I not asked? Why was not asked?

GUTFELD: Well, because you don't live in New York.

MURDOCH: I've been here since Wednesday, sir. You're a little - it must be nice. You know Mr. President, you could take a page out of the Gutfeld lie. He did his own tell-all. He directed it. He produced it. I don't know if you guys noticed, but that muffled voice that was holding those people hostage for hours. That was Greg. He asked them - he sat when they talked about how great he was.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

MURDOCH: What's the name of your orphanage? I never caught the name of it.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It's Greg's orphanage.

MURDOCH: Greg's orphanage.

GUTFELD: Just Google it.

MURDOCH: Anybody want to Google that?

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: So I guess my point is that tell-alls are [bleep].

GUTFELD: Great, thank you for that.

MURDOCH: You're welcome.

GUTFELD: All right. That leaves more time for the next segment. All right before we go, an update on "The Gutfeld Monologues Live." The show in Tampa is sold out. I've never sold out anything. The tickets for all other shows are still available.

MURDOCH: You sold me out.

GUTFELD: Special guest Tom Shillue. I did not sell you out. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket information.

All right, up next. Why do so many candidates promise things we can't afford? We have a video that will explain everything.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Will hitting the stump reelect Trump? Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is pissing off Dems for having the nerve to say he's running for President as an independent. The executive split the Democratic votes and end up reelecting Donald. Also, he doesn't know anything about Cheerios.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MIKA BRZEZINSKI, HOST, MSNBC: How much does an 18 ounce box of Cheerios cost?

HOWARD SCHULTZ, FORMER CEO OF STARBUCKS: An 18 ounce box of Cheerios.

(CROSSTALK)

JOE SCARBOROUGH, HOST MSNBC: Like budgets for the VA. We can ask you questions.

SCHULTZ: You ask me about -- I don't eat Cheerios. I'm sorry.

BRZEZINSKI: Okay. It's four bucks.

SCARBOROUGH: Is it four bucks?

BRZEZINSKI: Yes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I wonder what they eat for breakfast? Spotted owls. All right. Move that thing up there a bit. Meanwhile, will Medicare For All be the Dems build the wall. Democrats have been throwing around some big ideas lately. Medicare For All, kicking private insurance to the curb. Taxing in the super rich, but another Democrat who is also a billionaire isn't impressed, right, Mike Bloomberg?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, FORMER MAYOR OF NEW YORK: To replace the entire private system where companies provide healthcare for their employees would bankrupt us for a very long time.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Geez Louise, he's got the charisma of a baby platypus. What a buzzkill. Why can't you have big over promising dreams like the Democrats? I think we should have what they're having.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. KAMALA HARRIS, D-CALIF.: The bottom line and the most important is that everyone have access to healthcare. That is the goal. That is the purpose for me supporting the policy of Medicare For All, that everyone has access to healthcare. Period.

TOM SHILLUE, HOST, FOX NATION: Free this, free that. Democrats are promising people the world. What drugs are they on?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Actually there on Demotrex.

SHILLUE: You again. All right, what's Demotrex?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Demotrex blocks the signals in your brain that are responsible for a reason, logic, math and history. So you adopt a completely unrealistic worldview. The result - it makes you over promise things you can't possibly deliver on.

SHILLUE: I don't know.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: If you take it, people will like you and think you're cool.

SHILLUE: I'm in.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Honey, will you please take out the trash.

SHILLUE: Oh, I'll take out the trash. I'll do better than that. I'll take out the whole neighborhood's trash. And I'll do it in five minutes or less. And then I'm going to turn our trash into gold and silver. And then we'll move into a mansion made of chocolate with a pool filled with the American dream. The American Dream.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What a psycho.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, Tom, do you think you can have that report done by next Friday?

SHILLUE: Next Friday. How about right now? I've got it right here.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That's a banana.

SHILLUE: No, no, it's my report. Look. It's my Report. It's my report.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dad, you told me we were going to play catch?

SHILLUE: I did.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, after you told me you were going to help me with my science project.

SHILLUE: Did I?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, after you told me you were teach me how to drive.

SHILLUE: I did. That's right, I haven't done any of those things and yet, I feel great. Thanks Demotrex.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So get Demotrex today. Warning delusional side effects include letting everyone down. Political affiliation may impact performance.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: We should hire child actors to actually play children and not a guy with a full on beard. I think Tyrus --

MURDOCH: Could you just pull one from your orphanage, Greg?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That's child labor, Tyrus. What do you make of the field? Can centrism make a comeback, Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Obviously not. They're having a heart attack because he's talked about running as an independent.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

MURDOCH: Wow. We can't have people vote for who they want to in this country, but everyone could run. I think the idea of having three candidates is a good thing or maybe four. Americans should have a choice. You can't tell us you can't run because my other guy won't get enough votes if you run.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: That's like literally, "Hey Tyrus, you can't lift weights with us. You are going to lift more weights than me." "Oh, okay. It's all right."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Kat, could it be that politics really don't matter. We've learned from Trump that it's about persuasion and saying memorable stuff.

TIMPF: Well nothing matters, Greg. No, I just think it's amazing how far left the Democrats have moved, right? They have moved so far left that they make President Obama look like Rand Paul.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: I mean, remember President Obama was saying had to say if you like your plan, you can keep your plan. That I ended up not being true, but at least he felt like he had to lie. Now, now we have Kamala Harris saying if you like your plan go [bleep] yourself.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: That's basically what she's saying when she says Medicare For All. That's really - it's just a nicer way of saying that.

GUTFELD: No, you're right.

TIMPF: It is and it's not popular either. So this is a real gift to Republicans. Survey last year said that 71% of people with employer sponsored coverage like their plans and the survey from last week said that when they were informed that Medicare For All would eliminate private insurance companies, only 37% of people supported it. That's right. I got statistics. Are you watching, Bret. I can do "Special Report."

GUTFELD: That was your audition for --

TIMPF: For "Special Report," I thought that would kill it.

GUTFELD: Kristina --

MURDOCH: Thanks, Kat, you really bailed me out.

GUTFELD: Do you have any statistics.

PARTSIVELOS: No, because - no, you know, usually it's a rule of thumb in business, we always say only three numbers, never give more than that. She did great.

TIMPF: I did two numbers. See, Bret, are you watching, Bret?

PARTSIVELOS: So Tyrus brought up a good point that why should we be in a country where there's literally -- it's either, you know, two sides black and white, red versus blue?

GUTFELD: Resident two ideas.

PARTSIVELOS: Yes, exactly. With Schultz though, I think it's concerning, he doesn't know how much a box of Cheerios is. Nobody actually established that and I think it's easier --

MURDOCH: Neither did she. Nothing in the store is four bucks.

PARTSIVELOS: Yes, because I literally bought the honey nut roast just very recently, but I think the issue is he has no backers, and here's another billionaire that's coming to the table. However, you just brought up the fact that the party is going a little bit too left.

Maybe it's a compliment, because Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is an excellent example, she's taking a page from Trump's book and trying to go after the rich so that they can potentially benefit all of America. I'm not saying I'm supportive, but look at the positive. They're literally doing what Trump has done.

GUTFELD: But you know, my problem is with Cheerios. Does anybody hate Cheerio breath?

TIMPF: I quite enjoy it.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I only date men with Cheerio breath says Kat.

FAILLA: I think Howard Schultz should have asked Joe Scarborough how much music lessons cost because he clearly doesn't know. I have heard his album. No one talks about the perks of a Howard Schultz presidency like we'd all be allowed to use the White House bathroom now, which would be nice.

And I'm not even defending him, but I hate that they have made the term billionaire a slander, you know, because to be honest with you, Howard Schultz whether you like him or not is the epitome of the American dream. He grew up in housing projects and turned into the guy who created Starbucks. That is inspirational. It is aspirational. It's a nice story.

That being said, I'm a Dunkin Donuts man, not a Starbucks fan. And you want to know why, too? Because that better table conversation. When you get a coffee at Starbucks and you eavesdrop on the people next to you, they're like talking about some like spec house they're developing out in LA. They're having an argument with their lawyer about what they should put down on -- you go to Dunkin Donuts, the guy next to you is arguing with himself.

(Laughter)

FAILLA: Because the spaceship is out of gas again.

GUTFELD: And the scary part is, he's the security guy.

FAILLA: He's the manager.

GUTFELD: We didn't get a chance to talk about Cory Booker throwing his hat in the ring. But I figured out why he talks the way he does. He talks like he just ate a hot slice of pizza. "I am Cory Booker and I am running for President and my mouth is on fire." My mouth is on fire.

FAILLA: And Cory Booker --

MURDOCH: Not bad. That's a good Booker.

FAILLA: Cory Booker is so dumb --

MURDOCH: How dumb is he?

FAILLA: He couldn't spell moron if you spotted him the AOC.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, up next. The Super Bowl, it's a game, we discuss with pictures.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: I'd rather be eaten alive than listen to Maroon 5. This week the NFL cancelled the traditional pregame news conference about the Super Bowl halftime show. Perfect. The less Maroon 5 I've got to hear, the better. I'm excited about Gladys Knight. I love her. She's a legend. She's singing the National Anthem and I know that song. I don't know any Maroon 5 except for this crappy one.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ADAM LEVINE, SINGER, MAROON 5: She will be loved. She will be loved.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: But I know Gladys will unite us all even though Maroon 5 gets all the coverage. That and that stupid British actor who slammed Tom Brady for having a MAGA hat. Shut up, stupid British actor. Reach puberty and then pop off. Then there's the TV producer that got fired for making a graphic that said, "known cheater" under a picture of Tom Brady.

(Booing)

GUTFELD: Who cares and then there's the Super Bowl ads you've been watching online all week. My favorite was this one.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Where the hell did that snake come from?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mentos. The freshmaker.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I bet that's not going to air. Anyway, Kristina, you know what, I hate half times -- well, Maroon 5, but I've been saying this for 10 years that the halftime show, since it went pop in celebrity, it sucks. We should go back to high school marching bands and Truckzilla.

PARTSIVELOS: Wait, but then think of all the other people that don't really care that much for the game, but want to tune into the halftime.

GUTFELD: Well, they're losers.

PARTSIVELOS: Well, people have been doing for years. Look, you've got Janet Jackson's boob out one time and you've got --

GUTFELD: That was the downhill. Why can't we have high school --

MURDOCH: Whoa, whoa, that was one of the greatest moments in the history of TV, sir.

GUTFELD: No, she got brutalized.

MURDOCH: Not by me my house.

GUTFELD: Justin Timberlake got away with murder.

PARTSIVELOS: That's a very good point.

MURDOCH: Justin who?

GUTFELD: Justin - that guy.

MURDOCH: I was all about Janet. I don't know who was next to her. Once the boob came out, everything else was a blur. I became a man that night.

TIMPF: The Tyrus story.

GUTFELD: Yes, the Tyrus - yes, that's the title of your tell-all.

MURDOCH: Stop dropping my name like you all know me.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Jimmy, my favorite story is this hairless urchin who played Harry Potter. Dick Redcap, is that his name? He is mad at Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a relationship with Trump and wears a red hat. He's just trying to score points with the intelligentsia. And he says -- shut up, that's what I say.

FAILLA: First of all, it's like, it's so pointless to hate on Tom Brady. Like I'm not a Tom Brady fan.

MURDOCH: You should.

FAILLA: But I love people who say like, "Yes, Brady could suck it." I am like, "Yes, Brady is going home to a supermodel in a mansion. You're going home to a jar of hand cream in your mom's basement." I think he's got the win here.

GUTFELD: Who doesn't love to moisturize?

FAILLA: Yes, I know, that being said, I don't think Brady is as motivated to win this year and make it to the White House now that he knows they're serving fast food.

PARTSIVELOS: Because he's vegan?

FAILLA: Yes, which bring me to my bigger point about Super Bowl. No matter who you root for, it is one of the last vestiges of common culture we have in this country that a lot of people watch. All I care about is the food. Feed your kids. Feed your family. Stuff your kids senseless. Don't listen any of those studies where they say, "Look, we have too many obese kids in America now."

Yes, but what they don't tell you is that kidnapping are down by 38% you know that? Because you can't get them in the car quick enough anymore.

(Laughter)

FAILLA: You know, you imagine being a kidnapper nowadays. They're like, "Kid, get in the car. I've got candy," and the kids are like, "Does it contain peanuts?"

GUTFELD: Now, they are better than kidnapping jokes, I say. All right, Kat. Are you watching the game? Are you watching it for the ads as everybody likes to say when they are at Starbucks.

TIMPF: See, on the one hand, I love days of important football games. Because --

MURDOCH: Liar.

TIMPF: They're the only ones where I feel less emotional than other people because I don't care, but on the other hand, I absolutely hate football. It's like 10% action, 90% people walking around and occasionally spitting.

MURDOCH: Don't you look at me.

TIMPF: Yes. It is so boring --

MURDOCH: You look over there. You talk to them.

TIMPF: It is so boring. If I wanted to see that, I could just look out my window and I do have a window, Tyrus, not to brag.

MURDOCH: You have one.

TIMPF: I've got a window.

MURDOCH: With a cat in it.

TIMPF: And you know what? I would - it's everywhere. Football is everywhere. You cannot go into a bar during football season without it being like, football, football, football. Where the bars for those of us who want to watch "Forensic Files"? Where are the bars for those of us that want to watch "Toddlers in Tiaras"? And don't say knock it until -- you don't knock at to try it, because I tried. I went to the bar and tried to watch football once and then I just wound up getting bored and journaling in the corner and then everyone liked me less.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, you actually played a little pro ball. Who is who is this Rams?

MURDOCH: Who is the Rams?

GUTFELD: Who is the Rams? Are they playing -- is Tom Brady right, Tyrus? And then it's these Rams.

MURDOCH: Okay, you just stop.

GUTFELD: They're like a group of people in LA.

MURDOCH: Shut up, Greg. The Super Bowl is my Christmas. I enjoy watching it and it's fun. I don't really care about the halftime show. I enjoy the hoagies and the food and it is festive and it's a great time and those of you who don't like it, I'm excited to see the Patriots. I'm guessing 31- 17. I'm going to enjoy it and I'll have fun because eventually the parade, the New England parade is going to stop, but we've got one more year, so I'll enjoy it.

GUTFELD: I like that New Orleans is actually - their bars are playing other their old games and they are boycotting which is hilarious.

MURDOCH: I live in Louisiana. Driving over across the causeway which is the biggest bridge, they have a sign "Watch what you're doing, unlike some referees." Like New Orleans ain't letting this go. They are not letting this go.

GUTFELD: My prediction is, it's going to be a close game 11 to 10. It'll go like 15 innings.

MURDOCH: See, this is where I --

GUTFELD: Fifteen innings.

FAILLA: He's a big sports guy.

MURDOCH: You guys ever seen "Predator"? That's what I want to do with Greg right now.

GUTFELD: Anyway, up next, a zoo has the perfect Valentine's Day gift for the person who dumped you. That's next. A giraffe.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Screw the broach, give her a roach. For a $15.00 donation, the Bronx Zoo will let you name one of the roaches in their roach exhibit, after our ex for Valentine's Day. Or you could name one after your current sweetheart if they are into that sort of thing.

The Bronx Zoo does not judgment, quote, "Nothing lasts longer than a roach, so it could be sent as a symbolic gesture about how long your love will last or exactly the opposite. Some say that love is like a roach -- elusive, resilient and sometimes very scary."

Put a lot of thought into this, but when it comes to Valentine's Day so do I. Here is a montage of some of the gifts I have purchased for my wife over the years.

(VIDEO CLIP PLAYS)

GUTFELD: There he is. Kat --

TIMPF: Why are you going to me first?

GUTFELD: Because I assume you're kind of an expert on Valentine's Day. I think though, if you're thinking about an ex Valentine's Day, the ex won.

TIMPF: Absolutely. Well, I personally prefer to be friends with all my exes because that way I can still be a source of emotional support and a target for their manipulation even though we broke up. It's like the best of both worlds, but yes, if you're spending $2.00 to get a roach named after your ex to prove how pissed you are, you're kind of still spending $2.00 on your ex. You should use that $2.00 to do something that proves you are over them like PayPal-ing it to your crush with a little note that says "I love you." I think Ron Paul is going to reply one of these days.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Who THE hell is this crazy girl? Kristina?

PARTSIVELOS: Fifteen bucks, so the Bronx is doing it for $15.00 and you can do it for an ex or someone you love and I don't know, really, these are hissing cockroaches, aren't they? So first of all, what is that even? Do they make noises when they scuttle along the floor? And then do they kill them afterwards? Or is it a symbol of my eternal love? Like I would rather, if it is an ex, just squash it afterwards.

GUTFELD: There you go.

PARTSIVELOS: But then --

GUTFELD: Then it's on the bottom of your shoe. They make terrible noises.

PARTSIVELOS: And then there's like make eggs and stuff, don't they spread and that's how -- GUTFELD: Oh, god, they taste terrible. Jimmy?

FAILLA: First of all, this is like idiotic by the Bronx Zoo because their local residents can get roaches for free every night in their apartment.

GUTFELD: Actually, all of New York.

FAILLA: All of New York.

GUTFELD: I lived in Midtown. I could have opened up my own cockroach factory.

FAILLA: Could have done it. And let me say, I would never pay $2.99 to buy somebody a roach for Valentine's Day. I would wait until the day after and get it for a dollar, CVS style.

GUTFELD: Marked down roach.

FAILLA: Yes, there it is. Beautiful roaches, Tyrus. I have a feeling that you have strong feelings about this.

MURDOCH: About roaches?

GUTFELD: No, Valentine's Day in general.

MURDOCH: Oh, I love it. The day that reminds me that I will never get anything right. No, because I am just not - I am not that guy. I take a punch in the arm and good job is a good job, but apparently you have to get lots of flowers and stuff. But this - but as a guy who can relate to having bad ideas, like hey, let's go lift weights together on Valentine's Day, because ladies are not really into that.

This was a really bad idea from a dude scientist who thought it would be cute to send his girl a cockroach and named it after her and it blew up miserably and they tried to bring the rest of us guys to be this stupid to fall for it. They even made it was for charity. This is a bad ideas, fellow. Do not seek this out. Even hissing cockroaches. Yes, they make a sound, hence the name.

PARTSIVELOS: Obviously, but have you ever seen one?

MURDOCH: Yes, I've seen them, played with them. They're really big. They're cool. I mean, two weeks ago when you were screaming when the cockroach tried to get away from you, and I had to save you from it and I walked him out the door, I'm like "Bro, sorry."

TIMPF: I did appreciate that, yes.

MURDOCH: Yes, I am not afraid of something that I'm 1,700 just a hundred times the size of that. You need a roach 101. It's not going to be good for him.

TIMPF: Yes, but it's --

MURDOCH: But he's not going -- no, that is you being creepy.

GUTFELD: This is a good point though. Just so - because we've got to roll, but when you're doing your impression of a cockroach, this is why I don't eat lobster.

TIMPF: Really?

GUTFELD: I look at seafood, I look at the crabs and the lobsters. Those are just giant cockroaches from the ocean. How can you eat -- like they're like -- I can't even get into that.

MURDOCH: It's the same thing like everyone loves a squirrel, but everyone hates a rat, but what's the difference? Bald tail.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know what it is?

MURDOCH: Squirrels get a hell of a break. If a rat got an Afro, they'd be all over New York. They'll be, "Oh, so cute. Look at the rat."

GUTFELD: I call that squirrel privilege.

MURDOCH: Yes, 100%. I am with you on that.

GUTFELD: Squirrel privilege. All right, you were going to mouth something weird.

FAILLA: I was just going to let it go.

GUTFELD: All right, up next, the tattoo, the snafu, Japanese barbecue. What's Ariana Grande to do?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Apparently, no one knew the meaning of her tattoo. Ariana Grande has a new single, it's called Seven Rings, it's a big hit. So Ariana goes to get a tattoo on her hand. It says seven rings in Japanese except that does not say seven rings that says BBQ grill.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So then she went to get the tattoo fixed, still it doesn't say seven rings and she added that character finger to the tattoo, and now it says Japanese barbecue finger. Big mistake. Yes. Another lesson about tattoos and regrets, absolutely. Tattoos are a big commitment and you have to love your ink like the one I've got on my back. That's a tattoo of a hairy back on my back. I had second thoughts about that as well. Tyrus, I have a theory. Tattoos should have a use like in case of an emergency you pull up your sleeve. For example, if you get invited to a baby shower you go, "I'd love to go," and then you pull your sleeve back and it says like, the satanic baby eating club.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: That is really specific and general. You have to wait a long time if you've got that specific tattoo.

GUTFELD: It's worth that one way of getting --

MURDOCH: So you're trying to say people with tattoos are freaks and mean and eat babies?

GUTFELD: No, I am saying that is what I would do.

MURDOCH: What is wrong with you? I am tatted up. The only thing I don't do is one, put languages I don't speak on my body.

GUTFELD: That's true.

MURDOCH: Kind of want and go with what you're reading. Two, I applaud the tattoo artist. We need to get him on the show because obviously, she does not tip well, and it's probably rude to him, not that she would ever be that way to regular people so - hence, why she got the misspelling. Yes, yes, that's right, absolutely. And then she came back. So he was like yes, finger. So somebody puts one finger on you, we all know what that means.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's the best. That was very smart.

MURDOCH: From Uncle T, if you're going to get a get a tattoo; one, research it. Two, make sure it's in your language and never get names. Unless it's like your kids because you really can't get rid of your kids. Well mine did, my parents did, but like, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands.

GUTFELD: Don't do it.

MURDOCH: Don't do it because one, you've got to find the exact same name if you split up.

GUTFELD: You've got to keep dating the same person.

MURDOCH: Or you have that really awful ex line through the name with the roses around it. We all know.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's the Johnny Depp version.

MURDOCH: We all know. We all still see through it.

GUTFELD: All right, Kat, this I think is the only point of having a child is to tattoo them when they are a baby on their little baldhead. You tattoo it and then they never see it until they are old and you are dead and it's something really cool like Steve Gutenberg is your real father.

TIMPF: This is my question?

GUTFELD: I don't know, it's a theory.

TIMPF: This is what you have selected for me?

GUTFELD: Yes, you don't have tattoos. I can't say. What about --

TIMPF: No, I don't have tattoos but if I did - when I order a pizza, Greg, I like extra marinara sauce on the side and I get really bummed out when they forget it. So when I make the order on my app after I am done I call and say, "Hey, I want to make sure that you got the extra marinara sauce." It takes a little extra time, but it is worth it. You would think if you were going to get something permanently drawn onto your body that you would also think that that extra time would be worth it, just check.

GUTFELD: Just check.

TIMPF: She's not checked twice now.

GUTFELD: I know. I don't think she's all there, Kristina. What do you think?

PARTSIVELOS: No, I think she actually asked a Japanese tutor, so I think, I don't know why people do this to be more exotic or more cultural, but at least we now know that this finger over here is going to be the Japanese barbecue finger, not to be confused with anything else. But I still don't get it.

GUTFELD: This is the finger I use when I do Japanese barbecue.

PARTSIVELOS: Exactly. Who knows about the other ones.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, exactly. Jimmy?

FAILLA: I think Ariana Grande should stick to doing what she knows best, lousy comedians.

PARTSIVELOS: Did you get with that?

FAILLA: Hey, they got wowed. But I actually think it's a feel-good story because now she thinks we're all laughing at her for her tattoo and not her music, which is absurd. But everyone laughing at this online who is like, "Oh my gosh, she got this Asian tattoo, she doesn't know what it means." I bet you like 80% of the people who have Asian tattoos don't - because they punk us. Because we don't know their culture.

GUTFELD: Yes, we embrace it, yes.

FAILLA: Like, I will give you an example, you know that Wii, the Nintendo Wii where you're playing like volleyball all in front of your TV with no one like a jack ass. Every Wii you buy has a camera in it that beams back to Asia during prime time. It is the highest rated comedy in television history right now. They're just watching fat Americans play volleyball with nobody.

GUTFELD: You know what I hope that's the only thing they're watching because that's -- anyway. I am not going to get into that. "Final Thoughts," next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: All right, real quick, we've got a one minute, Tyrus.

MURDOCH: Check out "The Water Beast" staring yours truly. It's out on iTunes and Amazon, so I appreciate the support.

GUTFELD: Awesome. Jimmy?

FAILLA: I am the head writer for the "Kennedy" program on Fox Business, you can watch it Monday through Thursday at 9:00 p.m. It is the best written show in all cable news, I'll be honest.

GUTFELD: Shut up. Kristina?

PARTSIVELOS: Gees, I was going to go like I've got a Japanese barbecue finger, an Italian finger and they're all finger licking good.

GUTFELD: Excellent.

PARTSIVELOS: You guys got serious.

GUTFELD: Kat?

TIMPF: When I was a child I used to eat rock salt off the ground.

GUTFELD: That's a heartwarming tale.

PARTSIVELOS: And now?

GUTFELD: All right, that's it for us. Things to Jimmy Failla, Kristina Partsivelos, Kat and Tyrus, studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

(Cheering and applause)

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