Critics pan Obama's threat to bypass Congress

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," January 16, 2014. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Kimberly Guilfoyle, along with Bob Beckel, Eric Bolling, Dana Perino, and Greg Gutfeld.

It's 5 o'clock in New York City -- and this is "The Five."


GUILFOYLE: Tonight, Hollywood targets your constitutional right to bear arms while peddling films that promote gun violence.

Wait until you hear what one of the most powerful men in Tinseltown plans on doing to try to destroy the NRA.

But first, forget about Congress. Forget about the Constitution. Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States is putting America on notice.


PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: I've got a pen, and I've got a phone, and I can use that pen to sign executive orders and take executive action.

Where I can act on my own without Congress, I'm going to do so. I've got a pen to take executive actions where Congress won't, and I've got a telephone to rally folks around the country on this mission.


GUILFOYLE: President Obama warning once again today that he doesn't need to follow the laws of the land to turn around the economy.

Well, a lot of Americans are concerned about that, including radio host Rush Limbaugh.




RUSH LIMBAUGH, RADIO HOST: He can do executive orders to make things fair.  He can do executive orders and executive actions to get rid of the unfairness. He's going to make this lousy country finally fair. Now, he might have a pen, and he might have a phone, but what he does not have is the constitutional power to run this country like a dictator.


GUILFOYLE: So, Rush calls it the moves of a dictator, and one prominent lawmaker is calling it lawlessness. Here's Senator John Cornyn.


SEN. JOHN CORNYN, R-TEXAS: One of the most common questions I get back home in Texas is people wonder why can't you stop this? What do you do when you have an overly politicized executive branch, including Eric Holder, who refused to hold the president accountable, refused to enforce the law, and you get what we have now, which is essentially a lawlessness in the administration that is very troubling, to say the least.


GUILFOYLE: One thing I don't like is when you disrespect the law.

All right. So, Eric, moves of a dictator. Is Rush taking it too far, or is that exactly what this is?

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: It's exactly what it is. I made a quick list.  Passing ObamaCare through back room deals, changing the ObamaCare law arbitrarily after it became law. That isn't in the Constitution either -- recess appointments when Congress isn't technically in recess. He did it - - he used an executive pen there. He sends drones to kill U.S. citizens, which is highly questionable.

These are all executive pen measures. So, when people talk -- by the way, he's going to take -- take things like gay rights, the environment and other special interest groups down the road as well. He's promised us he's going to do that.

So, when other presidents used the executive pen, they used to it for things like should we lower the flag at half mast for someone who died and things like that. When President Obama uses it, he changes the way America does business. So, him -- that pen in his hands is far more dangerous than any other president, at least in modern history, if not ever.

GUILFOYLE: And he's got three more years to use it. Let's hope it runs out of ink.

All right. Dana, your reaction, and welcome back.


GUILFOYLE: Someone who does respect the law and did her civic duty on --

PERINO: I had jury duty and no one picked me.


GUTFELD: But you did condemn somebody to death which I thought was quite nice.

PERINO: Just the iPhone clicks were on. That was really irritating.

For a constitutional lawyer, sometimes I think the president does himself as much of a service as -- the gift that he has rhetorically, it's really rare that a president would actually lead with this as his option going into the State of the Union. He has what he thinks are some really good proposals. He could see if he could try -- at least try to bring the Congress around and then when they don't come around to proposals that he's going to announce in three weeks, then you could say -- all right, then I'm going to try to do executive action.

It's rare that they start with executive action. I also think that the other thing that he doesn't have is the power of the courts, and one of the things that businesses don't like is executive orders because they're not as solid as law, and the president in a fifth year of a presidency, soon to be the sixth, is actually starting to see that now, not just in the circuit courts, but all the way up to the Supreme Court which are overturning things that were decided earlier on by executive action, and then throwing everything back into disarray.

So, what American businesses are looking for are certainty and executive orders don't really get them that.

GUILFOYLE: All right. And, Greg, I'm noticing that your tie picks up on Dana's beautiful turtleneck. I just wanted to point that out, beautiful shade of turquoise.

GUTFELD: We're going to get to that later.

GUILFOYLE: All right.

GUTFELD: I don't -- I'm not -- we always hear about this executive order stuff. I'm more interested in two factions.

One is the press. The media enables this thinking. They don't think Obama is accountable. They think he's mountable.

They don't speak truth to power. They hump it. They are willing to work for this man. They are OK if he's a dictator.

If Obama declared that every Tuesday is eat a dog day, the New York Times would ask Pekinese or west highland? 2010, Woody Allen said that he felt Barack Obama should be a dictator so that he could get things done, and the first thing obviously that Woody Allen wanted done is to make it legal to have sex with stepdaughters.

The other faction --

PERINO: Hard to get that passed through.

GUTFELD: I don't know, with our Congress.

American people, what about the American people? I think the president delights in the fact that they have been roofied by technology and pop culture. They're not conscious to any expansion of power, which is why they're happy to exist in this dependant decline.

Obama's basically writing on your face when you're passed out drunk.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, that is not nice. I mean, it's not happened to me, because I don't do that.

All right. So, Bob, you've been --


GUILFOYLE: -- you've been making nice noises compared to other ones you make.

BECKEL: Well, first of all, you notice every time you open the show, you always come to me last every single time?

GUILFOYLE: There's one way to look at that -- save the best or worst for last.

BECKEL: Let me clean up and clarify some of the stuff that's going around the table.

GUILFOYLE: You can have, we'll give you time.

BECKEL: First of all, he's not reversing any laws. Secondly, presidents do a lot more than signing executive orders about flags at half staff.  Every president has interpreted laws the way they think it should be interpreted.


BECKEL: If these guys are so upset about it, Limbaugh and Cornine (ph), whatever his name is, let him go to court instead of whining like a bunch of sissies. I mean, if they think this is so bad, go to court. You've got a way to get out of it.

PERINO: But they are going to court, and that was my point, Bob. For example, on the National Labor Relations Board, the president is about to be handed a serious defeat by the Supreme Court.

BECKEL: That's right. Well, that's fine. If that's the way it is.

PERINO: So they wasted our time for five years.

BECKEL: They're not going to do it on all these executive orders, maybe one or two will be struck down.

Wait a second, if he wants to do this thing, he's got the right to do it, and if these guys are just going to be little babies about it, talk about it. They get on the air. Limbaugh talks about it.

Well, Rush, you've got a lot of money. Sue him.

BOLLING: Isn't that what our job to do is right there in media --

GUILFOYLE: To discuss this --

BOLLING: -- to discuss what politicians --

BECKEL: Why don't you sue him? You've got a lot of money.

BOLLING: -- what politicians are doing so they stop doing it. We expose some of the stuff.

As Dana points out, the NLRB, what actually went on is, when Congress was away but not technically in recess, they were home, still in -- they never gaveled out. They are still in session. President Obama appointed, recess appointed three people to the NLRB board, three out of five people. He stacked that board without congressional, without Senate or any approval, and now we're finding out most of the rules that have come down for the last two or three years might have to be thrown out of court.

BECKEL: There's thousands of rules, and as far as I know there's three overturned.

BOLLING: You know how much money the American taxpayer has had wasted --

BECKEL: Wait a minute. When you get back to the reality, you talk about the National Labor Relations Board, which makes some sense because they did when they were in recess. But outside of that, the thousands of others he's done, have they been challenged? Have they been overturned?

PERINO: Bob, I think what Eric is saying is important. That means that the decisions that the NLRB has made, he's not talking about President Obama's executive action, that those NLRB decisions are now going to be in dispute as well. So that's the part of the uncertainty.

Let me also mention one thing -- four Democrats, it polls for them very well to call the government shutdown the Republican shutdown. You're going to hear that a lot, OK?

Just as that actually helps Democrats get their people out to vote in 2014, Democrats make a mistake if they don't think that this whole lawlessness, President Obama unhinged, not going through Congress. That actually polls very well for Republicans.

And in an off-year election with the helicopter in his sixth year and likely not going to win back the House and at risk of losing the Senate, this kind of messaging from Cornyn or Limbaugh or whoever it is actually helps Republicans.

BECKEL: So you think now, we've got two things, we've got ObamaCare and lawlessness. Those are the two main issues for Republicans?

PERINO: Jobs. Actually, you know what? Let's pivot back to jobs.

GUTFELD: But these issues are completely pointless. The solution for all the people that are complaining right now about President Obama is to find your Obama. Would you for God sake elect a winner? That's the issue here is the Republicans can't find a winner.

BECKEL: That's right, because they don't have one.

GUTFELD: That's my point. They've got to find one. Stop whining -- I'm with Bob about a lot of the whining because it's like do better, you know?

GUILFOYLE: Eric, answer that.

BOLLING: It's not whining. It's really not whining. It's President Obama using, abusing the executive order, abusing --

BECKEL: So say you.

BOLLING: So say a lot of people. I would say a lot of the taxpayers who are going to pay for a lot of the re-litigation of all these lawsuits that went through the NLRB and I can't think of the other ones but there's going to be countless, countless attacks on some of the decisions he's made with the executive pen. Countless.

That's us. That's our money, Bob.

PERINO: Let alone the hypocrisy.


BOLLING: And the thing is --

GUILFOYLE: And he's a constitutional lawyer. He must have slept through class.

BECKEL: For one thing? ObamaCare hasn't won (ph) in the courts.

BOLLING: But changing the ObamaCare law on his own after it became law.

BECKEL: That's been in the courts and the appeals court took one of them and knocked it down.


BECKEL: Are you kidding it? They have been filing lawsuits -- the Supreme Court ruled on ObamaCare.

BOLLING: No, no, no, no. We're talking about after it became law. The Supreme Court says it's a law.

GUILFOYLE: And then he changed it.

BOLLING: President Obama said, you know what? I'm eliminating employers from the mandate.

He arbitrarily did it -- took it upon himself to change the law.

BECKEL: And that's in court.

PERINO: It hasn't been ruled on, Bob.

GUILFOYLE: It hasn't been decided on yet. And it begs the question, if he can do all that -- if a new president comes into office, can he just executive order and wipe it away?

BECKEL: If it's within the law, sure he can.

GUTFELD: But the issue here isn't what the president is doing, is who lets him do it. So, when a new president comes in, a Republican perhaps, will not have the same ability to pull these things off because the media won't let him. That's why I go back to the initial villain in all of this is the media, the mainstream media. Not reflected here, that are willing to let him do what he wants because inherently they agree.

GUILFOYLE: We'll end it on that note.

BECKEL: Good for them.

GUILFOYLE: All right. Next, one of the most powerful people in Hollywood is threatening to take down an organization that defends your right to bear arms. What movie mogul Harvey Weinstein just told Howard Stern he's going to try to do to wipe out the NRA.

And later, "The Daily Show" just put together the most dramatic and hysterical ode to "The Five" and it's getting a lot of buzz online. You must stick around for that. And our reaction, coming up on "The Five."

Stay with us.


BOLLING: Welcome back, y'all.

One of the things we do here on "The Five" is point out hypocrisy.  Politicians saying one thing and doing another, celebrities though are some of the worst offenders. Watch this clip from a Harvey Weinstein movie.


BOLLING: And another Harvey Weinstein film.


BOLLING: In fact, most of Harvey's movies involve guns, lots and lots of guns, so you could say Mr. Weinstein probably owes a substantial portion of his substantial fortune to guns.

Now, listen to Harvey Weinstein talking out of his substantial ass.



HOWARD STERN: Do you own a gun?


STERN: You don't have any guns?

WEINSTEIN: No, I'd never want to have a gun. I don't think we need guns in this country and I hate it, and I think the NRA is a disaster area and I'm going to make a movie, I shouldn't say this, but I'll tell it to you, Howard. I'm going to make a move with Meryl Streep and we're going to take this issue head on and they're going to wish they weren't alive after I'm done with them.


BOLLING: All right. We'll bring it around. K.G., wish they weren't alive?

GUILFOYLE: Well, first of all, I feel traumatized by shooting the snowman in the face. Frosty never hurt anybody. Yes, this is such hypocrisy. You pocket millions and millions of dollars off of action movies, violent films.

You line your coffers with it and you make more films that have violence in it and then you have the audacity to go against an organization that is just saying, I want to protect our constitutional right to bear arms in a legal and thoughtful way with background checks that also don't want people to get shot and murdered, but it doesn't mean that you can't own a gun.

I mean, this makes no sense to me, and now, look what he's doing. He's luring Meryl Streep into it.


BECKEL: I think Harvey probably overstated the case a little bit, but I will say this. First of all, the NRA has stopped background checks at gun shows and done everything they possibly can to make it impossible to have reasonable gun control.

GUILFOYLE: Bob, where do you get this?

BOLLING: Where --

GUILFOYLE: Bob, Bob, Bob?

BECKEL: Wait a sec. Gun shows were exempted from background checks. Now, that's fine if that's what they want to do. I think there's 5 million law- abiding citizens who are members of the NRA and they are fine people. They have wanted to have their right to have a gun. I understand that.

The NRA itself is an organization on Route 66 in -- outside of Washington, D.C., is full of a bunch of right wing jerks who have tried to do everything they can to subvert reasonable debate and discussion.

BOLLING: Do they have a right to exist, the NRA?

BECKEL: Yes, barely. They have a right. Should they --

BOLLING: A lot of unions are doing the same thing on the left that the NRA is doing on the right.

BECKEL: I think the NRA is a horrible, decrepit, wretched place.

BOLLING: And some would say that about the Teamsters.

BECKEL: You already have.

BOLLING: Dana, a couple of movies, "Pulp Fiction", "Django Unchained," and "Glorious Bastards," "Killing Them Softly", "Sin City", all Harvey Weinstein movies, going on screen "Gangs of New York," "Kill Bill", goes on and on. He's very, very familiar with the guns.

PERINO: Those are all the movies that I've watched with my hands over my eyes.

GUILFOYLE: They're scary.

PERINO: I don't watch them. I can't do it. It makes me crazy.

He would do more of a favor in America to tackle gun violence if he would take on the teachers unions and do a movie about how teachers unions oppose school choice which basically leaves all these young people we're worried about that are getting guns and gang activity -- gang and drug activity all around the country. If they actually had access to better education, there would be actually less crime. That's my opinion.

This is a guy so divorced from reality, it's like a pimp who thinks he's helping women in the work force.

BECKEL: Did you say a pimp?

GUILFOYLE: What a good analogy, Dana.


PERINO: Well, you meet certain people at jury duty.

BOLLING: Oh, boy, this is setting up a segment later in the show.

Go ahead.

GUILFOYLE: Dana unleashed.

Check her out.

GUTFELD: He used no facts, and that's the only way you can win a gun control argument is by operating on emotion.


GUTFELD: Weinstein appointed himself as the arbiter of your family safety.  When was the last time his life was in danger, probably choking on a veal chop. He doesn't need a gun because he has security. He travels in rarified air. His feet never touch the street -- feet, mind you, that he can't see because he's a corpulent cretin.

The reason why there's probably going to be more gun death because of what Bob mentioned about the NRA, subverting discussion. When you make extreme rhetoric about -- on both sides, there is no solution, there's no progress and he's doing the same thing. And he's suggesting people should lose all their guns. That's enough people to go buy their guns and it reflects kind of a class warfare, it's a fundamental hatred of people who have to protect themselves.

He doesn't have to protect himself because he's filthy rich. He has security. But the rest of America, they don't live like him. They have to have a gun at home.

He's going after poor people who want to protect themselves. He's a jackass.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, in dangerous neighborhood.

BOLLING: So, basically --

GUTFELD: He's advocating death.

BOLLING: So, what I'm understanding is he's going to put together a movie that vilifies the NRA, and I can only imagine what it's going to entail.  He's going to have, my guess is, you know, people who are stereotypical gun crazy who --


BECKEL: I think Harvey is a little bit removed from reality in all this.  Even I have conceded that there's nothing you're going to do to stop people from buying guns. I mean, that's -- apparently, their constitutional right, apparently.

GUILFOYLE: Yes. But he wants to stop people who are law-abiding from buying guns. That's the problem. He's not getting any impact with the gang members.

BECKEL: He wants to do away with all guns. I personally would like to do away with all handguns.

GUTFELD: He said he didn't want people ownership. He said he didn't want -- for private ownership.

BECKEL: Well, if that's -- I didn't hear that part of what he said. If that's what he said then he really is off the reservation here, but the idea of putting on a movie that takes on the NRA, I say -- more power to you, Harvey. Make it as big as you can, as broad as you can and get as many stars as you can so many people will watch it, because the NRA needs to be exposed for what they are, which is a deconstructive force in American political and public dialogue.

GUTFELD: No one will go see this movie. No one.

PERINO: But it will still win an Oscar.

GUTFELD: Yes, it will win an Oscar, but no one go.

Politically driven ideological pulp doesn't (INAUDIBLE).

Look, "Lone Survivor" is huge. Hollywood does not understand that.

BOLLING: That's a gun movie.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is.

BOLLING: All right. We're going to leave it there.

Straight ahead, we spend a lot of time explaining the ObamaCare train wreck for just about everybody in America. Now, get ready to watch funny man Jimmy Kimmel sum it up in 45 seconds.

Back in a second.


PERINO: All right. So, we told you earlier this week about ObamaCare's youth problem. There aren't a whole lot of young people signing up for the president's plan, and the ones who are will face higher cost than they might have realized.

Late night host Jimmy Kimmel just did a great job helping explain that with a hilarious parody. Watch this.


JIMMY KIMMEL, COMEDIAN: They expect young people to buy insurance the same time PlayStation 4 comes out.

You know, if you want young people to sign up, maybe you shouldn't make the laws so you can stay on your parent's plan until you turn 26. What kid is going to say, no, thanks, mom and dad, I've got the premiums covered.

Just to make sure the younger people do sign up the Obama administration is rolling out a new ad campaign that's targeted specifically at the young and vibrant.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hi. I'm Alex, and this is my wife Martha. And we're both approaching the big 6-0.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And we have health care issues to deal with.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's not cheap.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: But, fortunately, we don't have to pay for it.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That's right. You young people are paying for our drugs and our doctors.

ANNOUNCER: The Affordable Care Act, next time, maybe pick up a newspaper.


PERINO: Blogger Ace of Spades had a response to the piece, saying that, "I like everything about this except the part where he encourages young people to vote. Then he suggested pick up a newspaper once in a while. I'd reverse that sequence. Pick up a newspaper and then after reading it for a year or two, then start voting."

Greg, you just said that you think that's the best thing that's being done on health care?

GUTFELD: Yes. No, it should have been done two years ago but it was brilliant. Also, I don't think picking up a newspaper helps because every newspaper endorsed ObamaCare.

ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.

GUILFOYLE: Ew! Oh, so gross.

GUTFELD: And what kills me, Kimmel is an exception to the celebrities who are -- who are pushing this mess, who are the worst people because they are exempt from the very suffering that they are putting on everybody else.  They are the meth dealers who do not take their own product.

PERINO: Eric, when we were -- leading up to President Obama signing the bill into law, one of the things that we talked about and others, were trying to get a voice in on the discussion to say that this logically, economically, the rules of economics it will not work when it comes to the young people. Do you think that's going to bear out to be true, that the rules of economics are going to be proven once again?

BOLLING: It's happening right now. The numbers that the White House released themselves, HHS released, show 24 percent of young people of the signees are 24 percent of young people. They were expecting 40 and knew all the bad stuff was going to happen.

They never put paper -- pen to paper and looked at the numbers. There are so many numerical financial flaws in ObamaCare. Young people realize I'll take the penalty. I'll deal with whatever it takes for the next couple of years. Maybe a couple years down the road, they will start to pay.

But in the meantime, no one -- they are not going to sign up.

PERINO: And you hear them say --

BOLLING: It's going to cost us hundreds of billions that we didn't expect.

PERINO: Right. And you hear them say, well, and then I'll just hope I don't get into a car accident. They actually say that.

Bob, you wanted to get these ads that Magic Johnson and Alonzo Mourning have been chosen by HHS as two of the spokespeople to try to get young people to buy insurance. Let's look at those.


MAGIC JOHNSON, FORMER NBA PLAYER: Young people think they are Superman, like nothing is ever going to happen to them. But trust me, one day, something is going to happen and you're going to need a quality health plan. So, make sure you get ObamaCare.

ALONZO MOURNING, FORMER NABA PLYAER: I was at the top of my game. I felt invincible. But when I went for my regular team physical, it turned out I had a serious kidney disease. It was caught in time to treat it and lucky for me, I was insured.

Enroll today so you can stay in the game.


PERINO: Those ads seem very well done, but they had employer-sponsored insurance. What they are trying to do is get kids to pay for it themselves.

BECKEL: Yes. Well, I mean, first of all, I think they are very good ads.

The Kimmel thing, let me point out, it's cute and all that. But the fact is two things: one, we've been -- younger people have been paying for older people for the last 40 years so I don't know why that's anything new.  Secondly, what we don't include in this 24 percent are the number of people, as Greg pointed out, who are in their parents plan at 26 and under, which are probably a lot.

So I don't know what percentage of young people really are insured now but my guess is a lot and that was ObamaCare that did that. So I would include that as part of ObamaCare. Everybody who is under their parents plan --

BOLLING: Yes, but they knew that.

BECKEL: Huh? I just -- I just want -- I want you to add it to the figure you're talking about.

BOLLING: No, no, I don't have to add it because they themselves said we expect 40 percent of the enrollees --

BECKEL: There's no question about that. They are way behind, I accept that.

But I think the idea of using people like this to --

GUILFOYLE: Creative.

BECKEL: It is creative, and it's the right thing to do because eventually these people will have to have insurance, they just are.

GUILFOYLE: Here's the problem. They are trying to get after the invincibles, right? The 19 to 29-year-olds, OK, Magic Johnson and Alonzo Mourning, I've heard of you before, but I'm young guy, you know. These things happen to you when you're older. They still feel they have time.  Why is it that they are going to take whatever discretionary money they feel they have left over to put into a system --

BECKEL: Because most of them are on mom and pop's health care plan.  That's why.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, it's a not disincentive. It's not going to happen. So, we're not going to get the cash from them.

BECKEL: There's no disincentive when you're on your parent's plan.

GUILFOYLE: Right. But what I'm saying is they are already on the parent's plan so there's no motivating factor for them to try to do anything else.

BECKEL: Why should they?

GUILFOYLE: So, they're not going to give over their money. It's cute and charming to try and --

BOLLING: They shouldn't. You're right.


BECKEL: When they get off the parents plans, they should.

GUILFOYLE: That's what we just said.

BOLLING: -- is that young people shouldn't be on it, and they're not, and that's why the system, the whole ObamaCare, financials of it --

BECKEL: Excuse me. It's because of ObamaCare that they have their parents insurance.

PERINO: I know. But it's also because they can be on until they are 26 that the president is currently in this predicament that they risk running into the death spiral with the insurance company and then the question will be, does the government -- does the taxpayer, you and I, bail out the health insurance companies?

GUTFELD: We probably will. Again, once again, celebrities are the doormats to power. It's funny that guy's name is Mourning because ObamaCare is creating nothing but misery for everybody.

Magic Johnson links his HIV and treatment to health care as though ObamaCare would provide the same level of care that a mega rich celebrity would get. Is he going to dump his coverage? Is he going to dump it and sign up for ObamaCare?


GUTFELD: Will any politician do that? Of course not, because it's terrible.

GUILFOYLE: They need Dennis Rodman for these ads.


PERINO: He's a little busy.

BECKEL: By the way, hundreds of billions on health care, we spend $1 trillion on war. Do you think that's well spent?


GUTFELD: War works.

BECKEL: War works. It works real well. Take a look at Iraq.


GUTFELD: I am, we won that war.

BECKEL: No, we didn't. Fallujah has been taken over again.


GUTFELD: Why is that?


GUTFELD: President Obama.

PERINO: Don't you love it.

BECKEL: President Obama?

PERINO: Don't you love it when Bob makes our point, it's great, like a walk around the park.

BECKEL: Are you kidding me, President Obama, because he actually pulled troops out after a ten-year war?

BOLLING: Can we stay on this one more second? The reason young people aren't signing up -- under ObamaCare the deductibles are so massive. What young person has $6,000, 7,000, $8,000, $9,000, $10,000 out of pocket, un front before he gets paid back a penny. They're not going to do it.

BECKEL: That's your math. Maybe it's true.

You know what you can do, if you let universal --

PERINO: We've got to go.

BECKEL: -- service (ph), that everybody get drafted and then they get covered by the government.

PERINO: Round and round the mulberry bush.

All right. Next up, a lot of people have been wondering what we've got to say about that epic skit "The Daily Show" just put together. It's about "The Five" and Greg and I especially got extra attention in it.

It was very charming. You're going to see what I'm talking about. It's quite something. Stick around.


GUTFELD: Tuesday night the great "Daily Show" correspondent Samantha Bee attempted to unravel the charms of the massively successful show "The Five" through the magic of performance art, lampooning the cringing one-woman shows you find off Broadway.

She revealed one secret of the success -- a struggle between good and evil, the innocent and America's bad boy. Behold, beholders.


JON STEWART, HOST: In 2011, Fox News premiered a novel new show "The Five." With more on "The Five," it's our own Samantha Bee.

Samantha, nice to see you.

SAMANTHA BEE, CORRESPONDENT: The truth about "The Five" is that it's as story as old as time, a story of love.

It's a tale of a winsome blond ingénue, Dana Perino, a young girl new to the big city, with big dreams and a heart so pure she makes Mary Poppins look like a disgusting (EXPLETIVE DELETED) bag.

PERINO: Should the detainees be given the "E" word in the first place.  We're going to discuss on "The Five."


PERINO: I can't say that.


PERINO: The reason they don't start families is because they feel like they are not financially secure enough to start a family yet. Not that they are not having S-E-X.

BEE: She can't say S-E-X.

Now, nobody falls for a good girl harder than a bad boy. And no boy was badder than the rebelicious Greg Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: I was on Percocet for seven days, best week of my life.

I'm drunk now. I've been drinking since two.

I gave three people hepatitis.


BEE: A pill-popping afternoon drunk who is riddled with hepatitis? There's got to be a catch.

Greg and Dana were total opposites. They should never have even been seated together, but once they were -- electric.

PERINO: Why do you do that to me? How do you have that power?

GUTFELD: I don't know.


BEE: She's not going to have just one suitor.

BOLLING: It's a game of high stakes international chess, so I put together a big old chessboard right here.

Can camera two take this? Because this is what you agreed to wear?

BEE: Really, Eric Bolling, prop comedy? That's not going to work on Dana.

Greg and Dana's love couldn't be denied. Not that others didn't try to pull them apart.

BECKEL: We put Gutfeld on here, we could have grilled Gutfeld -- no.

GUTFELD: That will be the best meat you ever had.

BECKEL: I'm sure it would be. That's what Dana tells me. Is that --

BEE: It turns out Greg and Dana had worse problems than scum Bob big pants.


GUTFELD: I want to wish a happy ninth anniversary to my wife Elena.

BEE: He has a wife?! You have a wife?!

You've broken all the hearts! Here, just take mine! I don't need it anymore!



GUTFELD: I have like about 40 seconds left on here to talk, but I can't.

PERINO: It was great. She was hilarious.

GUTFELD: I will say it's an amazing tribute to the show. And also, it talks about the nature of obsession from "The Daily Show" and other TV shows that are like -- have this amazing interest in Fox News.

BECKEL: Do you realize how much time "The Daily Show" spends on this one, Mr. Bolling? It seems like every other show they have Eric up there, and they are taking him on, right?

GUILFOYLE: "Colbert," "Daily Show."

BECKEL: They don't like you as much. Don't like sponge Bob big pants.


BOLLING: Man, what a tribute. What a tribute to the show. A tribute to you guys.

GUTFELD: Pretty funny.

BOLLING: Can I ask?


BOLLING: Are your respective spouses upset with that at all?

PERINO: Thankfully, Elena is in Russia.


GUTFELD: Yes, she's --

GUILFOYLE: What do you mean by that, Dana?


GUTFELD: We Skyped that morning, and she was fine.

PERINO: I had jury duty the last two days.

But you know what we decided to do yesterday morning because I thought -- I thought it was so well done.  We sent her some flowers yesterday from our heart to hers, to Samantha Bee.

GUILFOYLE: Since she ripped hers out for you, it's only fitting.

PERINO: She really put her heart into it, really, you have to say.

GUILFOYLE: And we like those turtlenecks, with the little "The Five" --

PERINO: Could we get some of those over here?

GUTFELD: One thing, A, she has a shirt that we don't even have.


GUTFELD: By the way -- what was I going to say? Oh, the reason why this is so good is that if "SNL" was doing --I was talking about this with Bob -- if "SNL" had done this, they would have found a person to play each one of us and it would have been clumsy. She actually did it as performance art, which was so clever and different and different and refreshing.

And every time somebody sends me a link to it, I have to look at it!

BECKEL: You know, it's amazing to me that they are able to put those cuts together to make that thing work.

GUTFELD: Somebody is watching this show.

BECKEL: They have to be, because how many people remember that barbecue, that was a July 4th day.

BOLLING: Two years ago.

GUILFOYLE: I remember when you went down to the chicken wing eating contest.

PERINO: Almost three.


BECKEL: Almost three years ago and somehow or another, without that piece, it wouldn't have worked with the --

PERINO: Here was one major failing of her piece, though.

BECKEL: What was that?

PERINO: That Jasper is not brought up at all.

BECKEL: We almost got through this show.

PERINO: Four days in a row, you didn't have Jasper talk.

GUTFELD: By the way, two inaccuracies about the pills. That was taking out of the context. I was talking about when I had my appendectomy. I said I had an appendectomy.


GUILFOYLE: You're worried about the pills? What about the hepatitis you gave three people?

GUTFELD: I still regret that.

BOLLING: So, do you think they're done?

GUTFELD: I don't think you can do anything better than that.

BOLLING: Well, they -- there's a couple others they might go after.

GUILFOYLE: Me and Bob? Oh, my God, please.

BOLLING: I think there's -- they have a lot a fodder.

GUTFELD: They're going to do "Special Report" because there's a palpable tension between George Will and Krauthammer that cannot be denied.

PERINO: I agree. Who's smarter? Who is smarter?


BECKEL: I didn't notice that. Really?

GUTFELD: I'm joking.

GUILFOYLE: He's being facetious.

GUTFELD: All right. That was fun.

GUILFOYLE: Well done, "Daily Show."

GUTFELD: Coming up, the Oscar nominations are in. Kimberly has the list for best picture of the year. Was your favorite movie on it? Stay tuned.


BECKEL: Who is that? Van Halen? OK.

Would you want your hard-earned tax dollars going towards the purchase of pot? If you live in Colorado that might happen. The Colorado Senate has rejected a law that would have prohibited Food Stamp cards from being used at ATMs inside pot dispensaries.

EBT cards, as they're known cannot be used at ATMs inside liquor stores and casinos, so why should they be allowed here?

Kimberly, what about that?

GUILFOYLE: You know, I have a very different opinion about all of this. I think -- as you know, I'm against making marijuana legal.

BECKEL: Right.

GUILFOYLE: And, you know, for me I have a problem if people are going to be using what they should be using for food for marijuana, instead, EBT card, the whole deal. For me, I think it's -- I don't know.

GUTFELD: That's not a different take.

GUILFOYLE: Well, than other people at the table maybe...

BECKEL: Eric, you're...

GUILFOYLE: ... is my point.

BECKEL: ... against the sale of legal marijuana. Right?

BOLLING: No. I'm all for it.

BECKEL: You're a libertarian here.

BOLLING: Fair enough. The first two years of the show I was against it.  And I've embraced the whole legalization concept.

GUILFOYLE: Use welfare benefits to buy it?

BOLLING: No, no.

GUILFOYLE: You're freaking me out.

BOLLING: Allow me to finish. Legalize marijuana. Do not allow EBT cards to be used for pot, for porn, for drug...

BECKEL: Wait a minute. That's something, they're just using them for ATMs?

PERINO: Right.

BOLLING: You can use it for your ATM and then go and buy liquor with it.

GUILFOYLE: Hello, Bob.

BECKEL: You can do that anyway, I assume.

BOLLING: Yes, but that's part of the problem. That's part of the EBT fraud that's going on. They're using it -- they're trading -- here's what they are doing. They're taking the EBT card, going to a bodega and saying, "There's 100 bucks on here."

GUILFOYLE: And now you're going to go buy pot instead of feed your kids?  That's awesome.

BECKEL: ... a girl that flew in from out of the country and came here to the big city, when you started you were absolutely -- you can't even look at pot smoking on the air.

PERINO: No. I could look at it. I didn't think that we should be showing pot-smoking paraphernalia if children were watching the show.


PERINO: Because I used to get so nervous when you'd walk by those shops, like on Colfax Avenue in Denver. I'd get so -- I'd get so nervous.

BECKEL: Why would you get nervous about it?

PERINO: Because it was illegal. Because all about -- it was all, at that time illegal activity, and they were trying to sell things that were legal to use in an illegal product and that bothered me.

But I have to say, I think that the Republicans in Colorado are going the wrong way on a one-way street, and it is a dead end. And I understand their frustration about the changes here, but they're going have to let some things fall apart, and then they're -- then they can go back and try to legislate it, because right now they are pushing way too many things up a hill. And they should be focusing on jobs and trying to win back some seats in Colorado.

BECKEL: Greg, what about you?

GUTFELD: I'm for legalization. The problem with legalization is we already have a dependent generation that's subsidized to oblivion. And will legal pot somehow slice another sliver of the population off of the productive world? But if that's the case, who cares, because we're already going down that path with illegal drug use and incarceration. I can't imagine it getting any worse.

BECKEL: I can't imagine why there's a big problem with using their cards at ATMs and marijuana stores, but that's all right. I don't like legalization.

BOLLING: You're not even supposed to use the card for things that aren't - - that you make at home.

BECKEL: What if you're walking down the street, and you need some cash and you see an ATM, and -- I go to a lot of places to get an ATM to use for cash.

BOLLING: It's for nutrition. It's for nutrition.

BECKEL: I understand that. They're not going in there to buy pot.

BOLLING: I understand, on the program (ph)...

BECKEL: Quick, around the table, the NFL has decided to allow players -- they're thinking about allowing players to use medical marijuana for pain in states where it's legal.

BOLLING: Great. I think they should go ahead and -- absolutely agree with that, and also let them shoot up steroids if they want to.

PERINO: I just wonder whatever happened to the power of Aleve.

BECKEL: There you go. Well, I can tell you that, the answer to that, but go ahead.

GUTFELD: I don't mind it. I have to add to it, though, that medical marijuana has been a Trojan horse for legalization. For the large part it is a ruse. Some people, it works.

BECKEL: Let me guess, you don't think it's a good idea?

GUILFOYLE: All right. Get a massage.

BECKEL: Get a massage. Hey, listen, now that's the answer. If everybody can get a good massage every day, you'd be much better off. "One More Thing" is up next.

GUILFOYLE: I'll massage you every day if you don't yell in my ear.


GUILFOYLE: All right.

BECKEL: It's time now...

GUILFOYLE: It's time now for "One More Thing."

PERINO: What's wrong with you, Bob?

BECKEL: Sorry, man. I thought I was supposed to read it.

GUILFOYLE: Did your brain leak out your ear?

BECKEL: A long time ago.

GUILFOYLE: You see what goes on around here? Hazard pay.

All right. I want to talk about the Oscars. My gosh. 2014 Oscars Best Picture nominees are "American Hustle." That's not talking about Bob.  "Captain Phillips," "Dallas Buyers Club," "Gravity," "Nebraska," "Philomena," "12 Years a Slave" and "The Wolf of Wall Street."

PERINO: And "Her."


PERINO: Her? You?

GUILFOYLE: I don't know. Great, great.

Now let's compare that to the Razzies and see what you think, who made a better list. "After Earth," "Grown-Ups 2," "The Lone Ranger," "A Madea Christmas" and "Movie 43."

Now we're going to do our own little, like, Oscar predictions here, which I think is going to be very cool. But I do want to mention to you, notice that "Lone Survivor" was noticeably absent.

All right. Ms. Perino.

PERINO: OK. So I was jury duty the past two days. It's a lot of sitting around and Joshua, the producer, found this. This could have happened at jury duty, but it happened on an airplane.

Let's see if we can pull it up here. There we go. So this guy falls asleep on an airplane. You know it's very tempting to take pictures of things. This guy, they had to take a picture. He fell asleep with his finger on the slash button, just kept going and going and going and going.  And we thought that was very funny, Josh and I.

GUTFELD: That's hilarious.

PERINO: Isn't that cute?

GUTFELD: That's so hilarious. Do you feel that's real?

PERINO: I feel bad for the guy, because now he's going to have to, like, go in and, like, cut and delete.

GUILFOYLE: I hate doing that. Right? Copy and paste and you have to go back and, like, delete it all.

PERINO: It is a weird thing about taping somebody that you're sitting next to, like if you fall asleep in jury duty.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my gosh.

PERINO: And you tape it.


BECKEL: Well, it's -- Congress, particularly Republicans, have stopped extension of unemployment benefits. It's an interesting thing to recognize that now over -- for the first time in history over half the members of Congress are millionaires. The vast majority of those are Republicans.  Now, I still wonder...

GUTFELD: Bob, liar.


BECKEL: Why is that -- why is that...

PERINO: Why are you lying?

GUILFOYLE: He makes everything up.


GUTFELD: You said vast.

BECKEL: Maybe I just thought that. The majority are Republicans, and it's no wonder that rich millionaires don't quite understand the importance of unemployment. The Republicans ought to learn that. But it will cost them at the polls, so good for them.

GUILFOYLE: Yes. Once more let's cite the Beckel Institute.

OK -- Eric.

BOLLING: OK. So yesterday I signed up for Instagram. Today a new app.  It's really -- it's not that new, but it's really, really cool. Snap Chat where someone can send -- you can stuff and they can send stuff to you.  When you open it, it evaporates in anywhere between one and ten seconds.

So downloading it, opening it right here. Ready? I'll show you how it works. Open it up. I have a Snap chat right here, ready, and there.

GUILFOYLE: Like Clayton Morris.

GUTFELD: Oh, he's naked!

BOLLING: You see who that is?

GUILFOYLE: Senator Rand Paul.

BOLLING: Senator Rand Paul.

PERINO: Oh, my God. I like that.

BOLLING: Snap Chat.

GUILFOYLE: Very cool.

BOLLING: EB2016 and you follow me. We'll Snap.

GUILFOYLE: All right. Greg.

You running for president?

GUTFELD: All right. Deadspin, they captured this graphic from ESPN. If you look at it, it spells "butt." I have nothing more to add to this, other than every now and then God smiles upon us with a "butt."

GUILFOYLE: Aww. Don't give butts a bad name.

GUTFELD: We don't.

GUILFOYLE: All right. Everybody set your DVR, so you never miss an episode of "The Five." I'm going to see you right back here tomorrow.  "Special Report" is next.

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