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Coronavirus leads Peeps to cancel holiday-themed candy

This is a rush transcript from “The Greg Gutfeld Show" September 19, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST:  She went from the Greek system to the penal system. A Judge set bail at a million bucks for rioters arrested in Lancaster, Pennsylvania after the police shot a knife-wielding madman. 

One suspect, a sorority girl is charged with felony arson, felony riot, and felony vandalism. She basically majored in felonies with a minor in looting for formal dresses. A million bucks. It's a lot of deer meat. 

But the judge has since lowered the bail to 50 grand, still, I credit him for initially coming down hard. He is an adult who gets disincentives which are just incentives, but with an extra syllable. 

I've got to hand it to Amish country. The thing about traveling around in a horse and buggy is you learn how to crack a whip. 

Fact is if there's a chance you get locked up with a shocking bail for rioting, looting or arson, you won't riot, loot or arson. Imagine if other cities early on hadn't gone so soft. Lives wouldn't have been lost, people's businesses would have been ruined. 

Right media? 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  The protests in late spring were mostly peaceful, but damage from looting and arson will cost $1 billion to $2 billion in claims. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  Two billion, but still mostly peaceful. And really, does arson and riots really exist if Don Lemon has a great dinner in New York City? 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR:  We went out and had a great dinner in New York City tonight. People actually walked up to us and said thank you for, I watch you every night. I can't believe they thought they did a double take and I was actually hanging out and not seeing us on the TV screen. 

But New York City was not, you know hellscape, was it? 

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR:  I mean that one guy ran by with the machete who tried to get -- no, of course it isn't. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  Talk about research. Don made it through dinner alive. So I guess that cancels out the 50 percent jump in murder last month. 

But since machetes weren't used, you win this round, guys. 

Poor media, still denying reality. But what a contrast. As Trump pulls out peace deals like Twinkies out of Brian Stelter's mouth, the media refuses to call them peace deals. There's a reason for that. 

Imagine thinking that John Kerry or Hillary Clinton were actual statesmen, while they mocked Jared Kushner for even thinking he could sit at the adult table. What Kushner did with the Middle East was the equivalent of some guy off the street walking into Yankee Stadium and throwing a no hitter. 

So let's not forget this muddled peace of old bark. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

JOHN KERRY, FORMER UNITED STATES SECRETARY OF STATE:  There will be no separate peace between Israel and the Arab world. I want to make that very clear to all of you. 

There will be no advance and separate peace with the Arab world without the Palestinian process and Palestinian peace. Everybody needs to understand that. That is a hard reality. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  That clip aged worse than he did. So to recap, looting and arson, peaceful, actual peace deals, not peaceful. That's our media: a shady machine of ignorant trolls who create horrible problems and call you crazy for pointing them out. 

People overuse the phrase "gaslighting," but the media has gone further. In their actual gaslighting, they deny real gaslighting, saying that arsonists starting blazes was just a conspiracy. 

But now we have arrests, but I'm sure it's still Trump's fault. Trump upset these fire bugs you see and torching homes was their stress ball. Fact is, the press and most politicians are far removed from the strife they cause.

They embrace defunding police just like the Minneapolis City Council who are now alarmed by a crime surge after voting to defund police. They just got mugged by reality and probably a few thugs, too. 

Far removed from looting, authors still write think pieces defending it as protests. So you see the trend. It is, if the burden is not in your backyard, what's the big deal? Sure shut down a bridge or block traffic.

You go, girl. I don't need to get home from work. I am home. I just have a plant and it's dead. 

And so this bloody summer is brought to you by media excusing pain that they're immune from, but who's not immune besides the small businesses, minority shopkeepers, injured citizens or commuters? How about the protesters? The sorority girl? Have you seen the mug shots? Do these people appear sound? Do they seem all right? 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Why? Why? I said [bleep] why? [Bleep] racist dirty [bleep]. [Bleep] racist dirty [bleep]. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  When you see them screaming at strangers, accosting diners, insulting elderly couples, throwing fits in front of cops, don't they appear deranged? Is it because they are? 

The sorority girl rioted in defense of a suspect accused of stabbing four people. The left sold that woman and many women a lie that their lives only mean something and fill that empty void if they embrace vindictive ideologies disguised in social justice. 

But what happens to these people in 10 years? Will, they look back and shame it their grim antifascism phase? Would they be like Manson family members who thought they were leading a revolution, only to find that they were consumed by self-indulgent delusions that led to insane acts of cruelty toward innocent people? 

I suppose they deserve our pity. But for now, all they will get from me is a sell and some vocational training. 

ANNOUNCER:  Period. 

GUTFELD:  Let's welcome tonight's guest, she's so bubbly I almost burped just looking at her. FOX News contributor and host of "Crimes that Changed America" on FOX Nation, Emily Compagno. 

He is so brainy, he makes zombies hungry. Breitbart News senior editor-at- large, Joel Pollak. 

Unlike her wit, her e-cig isn't lit. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on FOX Nation, Katherine Timpf. 

And nothing goes over his head. It's literally impossible. My massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on FOX Nation, Tyrus. 

All right, Emily, you know what I'm amazed by is how if you weigh the coverage of things that Trump says versus things that Trump does, it's amazing. Like the peace deal barely got covered. Maybe it got on some front pages, but then it just went away. 

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR:  You're so right, and I like to look at international coverage for some of our policy decisions with foreign policy and development and such, just to take that international temperature and see what the rest of the world is saying. 

And it was so overwhelmingly positive, obviously, right? They recognized the historical significance. They recognized the trade opportunities this opens up. They recognized the strategic undercutting for Iran and Palestine, which is a positive thing. 

Literally, the only source of downplaying or minimizing or not even covering this development, this historical moment was our own liberal mainstream media. 

GUTFELD:  Reminds me a lot of that movie, "Twilight," but we'll get into that later. Joel, welcome to the show. Your first time here. What are your thoughts on the peace deal? 

JOEL POLLAK, SENIOR EDITOR-AT-LARGE, BREITBART NEWS:  Well, the most exciting part about it is imagining the flights between Tel Aviv and Dubai.

It's going to be like the LA to Vegas shuttle where you have drunk people and gamblers going back and forth all night long for $20.00 tickets and drink coupons. 

I mean, it's just going to be a wild party that never stops. That's what people are missing here. This is going to be fun. 

GUTFELD:  Interesting. I didn't even -- I didn't think of it that way. All right, Kat, what are your thoughts? We have a bunch of different elements in this segment, so pick one. 

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR:  I want to talk about the whole debate going on about police, criminal justice and the way we're talking about it right now. 

I have a huge problem with the way we're talking about it not because there's no problem with our Criminal Justice System, but because there is, but we're not really addressing the main issue, which is lack of accountability. Even though this week, a report came out, the Registry of Exonerations found that in cases where people were innocent, but convicted of a crime wrongly, there was police or prosecutor misconduct in more than

50 percent of those cases. 

But anyone who was committing the misconduct, only 17 percent of the time, was there some sort of discipline taken against those people. And so it's a huge problem. There needs to be reform. But as it turns out, not one of those problems that can be solved just by taking the cash away, okay, as well as that works, in the plot of "Billy Madison," it turns out our Criminal Justice System is not a drunken lazy nudie magazine obsessed Adam Sandler character. 

And we're having these stupid conversations where people like Don Lemon are saying, I went to New York. It was fine. Well, okay, like I went to the pharmacy this week, and I didn't see a stabbing. Why? Because I went about

10 minutes earlier than I would have gone to see the stabbing across the street. 

When we talk and fight about this stupid stuff, we miss the real issues.

You're not helping anything especially because anyone can watch videos. And as you mentioned, look at statistics and see that just because you managed to have a peaceful dinner, that doesn't mean anything, so then we can't have the real conversations we need to have. 

GUTFELD:  Yes, by the way that stabbing was mostly peaceful. 

TIMPF:  Mostly peaceful stabbing. 

GUTFELD:  Yes, exactly. All right, Tyrus, last word to you. Say whatever you want. 

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR:  Whatever I want. You look taller, Greg. You look taller and fit. 

GUTFELD:  Thank you. 

MURDOCH:  Congratulations. 

GUTFELD:  Thank you. 

MURDOCH:  And I think Emily was amiss. I don't know if she saw Palestinian TV, but they were pissed. They were furious. 

COMPAGNO:  True. The exception. 

MURDOCH:  They had all kinds of assurances that no peace in the Middle East unless they were in on it. And apparently they didn't get the tweet that they were not going to be in on it, so then pretty much the left media was furious. 

You know and again, I just like to point one other thing. This is now the second week since the whole with guest incident and I just like to say, I thought last week, you would now be woke and we were here with Tyrus and Kat. 

But again, we did not. So the struggle continues. So now I'm in week two of my boycott of the guest title. So I didn't know if you noticed the small group of people outside your -- 

TIMPF:  If we were guests, we would be getting invitations. We don't get invitations. 

MURDOCH:  Right. You know, I just want to say I don't know where you live, so it's impossible to put protesters in front of your house. So I'm going to need by the end of the show today two confirmed addresses where you're at so I can have my team of four protesters outside. 

What do we want? With. When do we want it? Now. So watch your back, Greg.

But seriously, I need only an address. 

GUTFELD:  Okay. 

MURDOCH:  I can't protest you if I don't know where you are. Very elitist of you. 

GUTFELD:  Okay, I'll add it with all at a with -- gee whiz. 

MURDOCH:  Holly Joan, record this on top of the recording. I want this noted. 

GUTFELD:  Edit all of this out of the show. 

MURDOCH:  Sorry, other guests. 

GUTFELD:  Edit all of this out of the show. Okay, we've got to move on. 

Don't forget about my next show in support of "The Plus," Sunday, October

11 at the H-E-B Center at Cedar Park, Texas. Join me and Tom Shillue as we talk about my new book. Tickets on sale now, go to https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__ggutfeld.com&d=DwICAg&c=cnx1hdOQtepEQkpermZGwQ&r=tgDLkJy54PfJyWJwul3dKe54qGxqO7b7d5vjo7RcZds&m=yNPJVlcaI_7P1Tvt5AYixWhzR4MeaH5MBnSAkWhtoao&s=tzh4PiSiyevQ5MbmF9OkXq9bJ_RxMyaVD3XHAO8tcYo&e=  for info. 

When we return, the latest in the Biden-Harris campaign, or is it Harris- Biden? 

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 

DOBBS:  Oh, how I wish I had a new opening sequence that says, "Countdown to Chaos." 

ANNOUNCER:  Countdown to Chaos. 

DOBBS:  Joe held an event in Florida where he is trying to win over Latin voters. Remember Joe? The key to success is showing up on time. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I am honored to present, Vice President and the future President of the United States, Joe Biden. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  My God. That is amazing. And then after all of that waiting, Joe Biden had just one thing to say. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

JOE BIDEN (D), DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE:  I just have one thing to say. Hang on there. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  All right. There you go. Dance a little bit, Joe. Come on. 

BIDEN:  That's it, my man. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  That's the greatest. I'll give him a 10 for pandering and a one for dancing. I mean, it's no YMCA. 

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS] 

GUTFELD:  Love it. Also this week, Kamala Harris accidentally gave herself top billing. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

SEN. KAMALA HARRIS (D-CA), DEMOCRATIC VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE:  A Harris administration together with Joe Biden as the President of the United States, the Biden-Harris administration. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  Whoops. And then at Thursday's Town Hall, Joe claimed Trump could have saved everyone from COVID. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

BIDEN:  If the President had done his job -- had done his job from the beginning, all the people would still be alive. All the people -- I'm not making this up. Just look at the data. Look at the data. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  All the people would still be alive. Just look at the data. I'm not making this up. Yes, you are making this up, Gramps. Even "The Washington Post" fact checker called you out on that one. For more, here is a dramatic reenactment. 

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS] 

GUTFELD:  Anyway, so Tyrus, was that really a gaffe on Joe's part with the music or is he just kind of adorably goofy? 

MURDOCH:  Come on, man. I don't have to explain myself. Harris-Biden.

Biden-Harris. You get the names right. Who's right names? You know where it's coming from? Come on, man. Do you want raspberry braid? Can you find the secondhand store? Come on, no man? It don't matter the range or order. 

You know, this is what's wrong with America? Why Donald Trump get a whole sound system and I've got to use my iPhone. You don't say it because I'm one of the people. Come on, man. Get off me. 

I don't -- know what time it is? Because I don't need to know what time it is. You've got a watch, right? You've got a watch? 

GUTFELD:  He's late for everything. 

MURDOCH:  You know what time it is. 

GUTFELD:  He's late for everything. 

MURDOCH:  What time is it, Greg? 

GUTFELD:  I don't have a watch. 

MURDOCH:  Come on, man. I don't even know what time it is. Harris-Biden.

Biden-Harris. 

GUTFELD:  So Joel, Joel, what do you make of Joe's weak week? 

POLLAK:  Well, first of all, he has this kind of copycat campaign where he imitates anything that works for anybody else. You know, his Town Hall was a drive-in town hall. He is imitating you, Greg because you did a drive-in for your book launch. 

GUTFELD:  That is true. Thanks for that. 

POLLAK:  There's also the odd problem that I have now because the song he played "Despacito" is the opening number on my wife's playlist for I guess, shall we call it more romantic moments? Now, I have to delete that and find something else to play. 

GUTFELD:  All right, Kat -- 

TIMPF:  Hey. 

GUTFELD:  What is going through Joe Biden's mind? 

TIMPF:  Yes, look. The big story this week, right, was like the Biden- Harris, Harris-Biden, she said-he said that -- I truly don't care what the name of it is. I'm upset about the plan that says $3 trillion in new taxes.

New taxes. 

I already paid so many in taxes. You want more? I mean, again, I said this last year I stand by it. I want a baby to be President. People say to me, Kat, how would we get anything done? We wouldn't. That's the point. 

Whenever anyone who is on the left says, you know, Donald Trump is such a big baby. I get upset not for the same reason that a lot of people watching might get upset but because I'm like, I wish. All right. 

So I imagine myself walking down the street with my Uzi and my satchel of mango jewel pods slung over my back then I truly would be free. Womb to the White House. I'll say it again. Come on. We've got to do better than that. 

GUTFELD:  All right, last word, Emily. What do you make of Joe's week? 

COMPAGNO:  Yes. Well, for the Harris-Biden thing, to me, it's totally the usual suspects, except if we knew the ending the whole time. Of course, it's the Harris-Biden ticket. Kamala is totally Keyser Soze. She's a little bit of Mr. Burns, too and they might as well start making their bumper stickers now. 

They are slipping what we all know is what's happening in actuality. And for that "Despacito" thing. That was the worst thing I've ever seen. I don't know why it like hit me in the juggler so much. I think because my neighbor used to play that song on repeat so much, and it would get in my head and it was hideous. 

But if I -- if I was at some type of Italian-American event, and Biden came up and played, "That's Amore" or the MTV "Jersey Shore" theme song, I would set that place on fire. I don't know why he is still being supported.

Honestly. 

TIMPF:  It's like when you're in the deli and the guy in front of you is a white kid, but he's trying to order in like Spanish, but the guy behind the counter is like -- can barely understand him and it takes him longer. He's like, what is this? Like he is not trying to get extra cheese. He's trying to get a country. 

GUTFELD:  Yes. Well put. Okay, up next. Will you weep without Halloween peeps? 

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 

LAUREN BLANCHARD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT:  Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Lauren Blanchard. The U.S. is fast approaching another grim milestone in the coronavirus pandemic, nearly 200,000 people have lost their lives to COVID-19, more than six million Americans are battling the virus and the U.S. leads the world in the number of cases and deaths. 

A recent IPSOS poll found that 59 percent of Americans knew someone with the virus, and 33 percent knew someone who died from it. Meanwhile, health experts fear another surge of cases this fall. 

And schools in Rhode Island have launched a silent lunch policy. Students are required to chat quietly or not at all during meals. That's to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. 

Critics say the policy is unfair and potentially harmful to kids. Health officials say it's about safety and protecting students. 

I'm Lauren Blanchard. Now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW. 

ANNOUNCER:  Pandemic-Con. 

GUTFELD:  Two more greats have met the same fate. The Ohio State University

-- go Wolverines -- has canceled spring break next semester over concerns about exposure to coronavirus. 

Disease experts say they can expect many other schools to follow suit. I guess the bros will have to find out other ways to have fun right, fellas? 

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS] 

GUTFELD:  I don't think that went on long enough. Fun fact, though. They all got eaten alive. Anyway, kidding. 

Meanwhile, the makers of Marshmallow Peeps say they won't be producing the sweets for Halloween, Christmas or Valentine's Day. The Pennsylvania based company had shut down production in the spring as the virus spread across the state. Now they'll focus on making enough Peeps for next Easter. 

In the meantime, we've come up with a replacement product to get you through the holidays. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

ANNOUNCER:  Now that Peeps won't be hitting the shelves this holiday season. What if I told you that everything you love about Peeps is available in huge quantities with massive discounts. 

Hey, you love candy, right? 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Not really. It's kind of a kid's thing. 

ANNOUNCER:  What about that stripper you got pregnant? Wasn't her name, Candy? 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Okay. Who told you that? 

ANNOUNCER:  Let's not worry about that now. Introducing Big Bag of Sugar.

It's the revolutionary new product that's got all the nutritional value of Peeps with double the energy. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  What? Do you want me to eat this? 

ANNOUNCER:  You wouldn't want your wife finding about all that other stuff, would you? Just give it a try? 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Okay, fine. Fine. Get a big spoonful. Oh. You happy now? I love my wife. I love my wife. 

ANNOUNCER:  Big Bag of Sugar. Bringing families together in uncertain times. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD:  Yes, I did that skit just to make Gene eat a big mound of sugar.

I wonder if that's a human resource issue. So, Joel, what do you -- what's your take on closing spring break? Is that a good idea? It seems strange, because you'd be outside, but I don't know. 

POLLAK:  You can never shut down in spring break at Ohio State. They're going to disappear to Daytona Beach anyway and they'll be fishing and diving and drinking beer off you other's butts like they did the last spring break when they spread COVID everywhere. It goes on. 

By the way, Halloween is going to be canceled here in LA or it was going to be canceled. By the way you can tell I am in LA because of all the fires behind me. 

But Halloween -- you know, Halloween was on the chopping block and the LA County also put out a public service announcement that you should not have family gatherings at Rosh Hashanah and the Jewish Holidays. 

So if there any of my fellow Jews out there watching me on TV right now, you really shouldn't be. 

GUTFELD:  Hey, that's going to hurt our ratings. Kat? 

TIMPF:  Yes. 

GUTFELD:  What is Senior Frogs going to do? 

TIMPF:  Yes, I thought this was really strange, because as far as I understood it, spring break has been responsible for the spread of many diseases for decades now. 

GUTFELD:  Yes. 

TIMPF:  So now all of a sudden -- I know -- it kind of does bum me out, right? Like not because I had plans to go to Cancun and play chlamydia roulette, but because it will mark more than a year of this pandemic and I hate it. 

All right, I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm still working. I'm not alone.

None of my companions are children that I'm responsible for. I'm lucky, but I'm still -- I'm sick of this, you know, Netflix and playing don't step on the syringe, which is basically going for a walk in New York City. 

It's bad and whenever people ask me how I am, I say fine, because I know that many people have it worse. But also because my real answer might seem kind of strange, which is I am this close to moving to the jungle with an arsenal of weapons. 

GUTFELD:  Well, you can still dream. Tyrus, did you ever do spring break? 

MURDOCH:  No, I was broke, Greg. I was a scholarship kid. I hung out on the

-- I hung out on campus during spring break. And so yes, it's really something I don't like to talk about, you know, I wasn't able to do that. 

GUTFELD:  I'm sorry. 

MURDOCH:  Mom can't send the check, Greg. She didn't send the check, Greg.

She didn't buy books, Greg. It was like, oh, 18. You made it to college.

You're welcome. Deuces. Spring break. Life break. Be thankful. 

You know the biggest --- the biggest problem for me is obviously Peeps. I mean, here's the beautiful thing. This is about fresh Peeps. Peeps fresh out the mixer, because everybody knows that Walgreens and CVC have a backlog of Peeps in the backseat. 

If you think about Peeps a lot of people don't know. They're the only thing that can rival a Twinkie for life expectancy. So we've got at least 6,000 years of Peeps stuck in various garages all over the country. So everybody, just everyone put out their old Peeps. There's enough for everyone. 

Because you just take Peeps and go, "oh my God, I love these." And then, you put them away. You don't really eat them. 

GUTFELD:  It is so true. 

MURDOCH:  There is a great reserve. Fort Knox doesn't have as much gold as Peeps are hiding in this country somewhere. So, we're okay. Everybody relax. 

GUTFELD:  It drives me crazy. It drives me crazy. Because just born makes Peeps, I hate Peeps. But I love Mike and Ike's and Hot Tamales. They make Mike and Ike and Hot Tamales. 

Do you know that Mike and Ike is named after two dwarves from the "Wizard of Oz"? 

COMPAGNO:  No. 

GUTFELD:  I know. 

MURDOCH:  Okay, so we're trying to talk about Peeps. I'm doing some investigative journalism here. And you want to make it about punk ass Mike and Tamala or whatever the hell that is. It is about Peeps, man. 

GUTFELD:  All right. 

MURDOCH:  And you just want to put them and say dwarves, two guys you're taller than, so you everyone to stop what they're doing and say, hey, guys, Greg is taller than a dwarf and he likes candy. Okay, it's about Peeps, Greg. Stay on that. Stay on message. You get mad when Biden does this? Come on, Greg. Be consistent. 

Come on, man. 

GUTFELD:  All right. Emily, last word. 

COMPAGNO:  I want to focus on spring break because canceling spring break, you just don't do it. It's like banning dancing. And we all saw how that turned out in "Footloose." 

GUTFELD:  Yes. 

COMPAGNO:  In terms of that one day break that they gave those students, do you know how much damage I've been able to accomplish in 24 hours? I once flew to the Caribbean from the West Coast for a birthday party. And in college, this one frat would build these walls around their whole property and they would keep everyone inside for a full 24 hours and if the colleges didn't think that a spring break's worth of partying occurred in that 24 hours, then I feel like they don't understand what college is. 

GUTFELD:  You know what I'm worried about, I'm worried about the saw dust industry who make millions of dollars absorbing vomit from Mazatlan bar bathrooms. And on that note, I hope I've offended you. 

Coming up, a girl who wants to be your dog. 

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 

GUTFELD:  With wokeness their guide, it was the day the music died. The Columbia University Marching Band recently announced they would permanently shut down in an effort to take responsibility for what it calls a history of offensive behavior. 

In other news, Columbia University had a marching band. 

Apparently for over a century, the band has developed a reputation of irreverence on campus. I don't know why I did that. But in that statement posted to Facebook, the organization says they've had to discuss numerous allegations of sexual misconduct, assault, theft, racism and injury to individuals and the Columbia community as a whole. 

Wow. It makes Motley Crue look like the Beach Boys. According to the band, the damage it inflicted is beyond repair. I feel the same way about Duran Duran. 

Now with no marching band, Columbia no longer has a spirit group to perform at sporting events. But I've got the perfect replacement. 

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS] 

GUTFELD:  That is an adorable bow tie. Kat, okay, how did we not know how awful this band was until now? That's what blows my mind. They're like the Hells Angels, but worse. 

TIMPF:  Way worse. I would be way more afraid of them on the street. I'll tell you that much. 

GUTFELD:  Yes. 

TIMPF:  I just don't understand how this is a solution. 

GUTFELD:  Yes. 

TIMPF:  If you say bye-bye band. I read it. It said a lot of this stuff was occurring within the band, which means, let's say somebody faced sexual assault, misconduct, harassment or something within the band. They speak out about it. And then they say all right, band is canceled. 

Not only did they go through that harrowing experience, now no more passion, no more scholarship. Great job. I don't understand how that they want to be congratulated for what? 

GUTFELD:  This is just a strange story to me, because I feel like, all right, granted, Joel, terrible past, but they're canceling. They're not just canceling the past or deeming -- they're canceling the future. So like nobody -- I can't ever understand why you wanted you to be part of the Columbia Marching Band. But I'm sure there's somebody out there. 

POLLAK:  You know, I'm not even sure this story is real. This is the ultimate band prank. They put out this letter with all these very vague accusations. You notice they don't mention anything specific. They get "The New York Times" to cover it and then in a couple weeks, we'll find out it was all a big joke. 

But if they are taking it seriously, and it looks like the university is, they should just rename Columbia because it's named after Christopher Columbus at some point, and they should rename it Indigenous U or something like that. 

But I want to commend the students for one thing, they achieved this dramatic social change without any looting, at least, not yet. 

GUTFELD:  Yes, yes. So, Tyrus, do you think this was the right solution? 

MURDOCH:  Oh, yes. One hundred percent, Greg. Listen, there has been signs of this for ages. It was even you know, you ever hear a story, this one time at band camp and the rest of the story is always what? Terrible.

Dramatic. You know what I am saying? No one has ever told you a band camp story that didn't lead to some scars forever in life. 

I'm just glad that America is finally shedding some light on the bands.

They always want to blame the ballplayers. 

GUTFELD:  That's true. 

MURDOCH:  The ballplayers. It's never the band. It's never the band. They had to break it up, because there was so much guilt going around there.

They were like, everyone raise your hand if you did something wrong.

Everybody. 

You know, and then they played music about it. They were sarcastic about it. So you know what? They had to break it up. There were too many witnesses. And here's the thing, it's not just college, like whereas a football player, we had to be stringent under scholarship to actually go to the school. 

Anybody off the street could join this band. Anyone. So there was no way of keeping people in and out. They also have the lock on Hollywood. So how they were getting all the movies? You know what I'm saying? There always seem to be one band in the movies, this group of thugs who come together with instruments and have basically traumatized the country, all for a little happy music with evil faces going around? The gangsters are on the football field, and the ones behind the flutes and the trombones. 

And think about the evilness that goes that goes in to want to play them instruments. I remember I tried to play the French horn and the saxophone, I couldn't do it. Didn't like carrying the thing around. So I see how the years build up. The anger and -- you know what I'm saying? 

So hey, you know, what, about time. Get off the jocks' back and start punishing these band -- you know what, I can't say it anymore. Because one, I like my job. And two, I don't want them coming after me. 

So you know, forget everything I just said. I don't need a bunch of band members protesting singing songs in front of my house. So whatever. Just -- I'm glad ballplayers are finally getting a break. 

GUTFELD:  There you go. All right. So Emily, here's the thing. It's actually a serious -- kind of a serious question. They're talking about serious crimes. So are they saying that -- are they going to press any charges? Or does that just go away like Kat says? 

COMPAGNO:    It would definitely not go away and charges could definitely

be pressed if there was evidence of these crimes. I have to say that the funny part to me was that the official statement that this band put out as they were indulging in their self-erasure was we unanimously and enthusiastically dissolve. 

Like these guys were stoked to capitulate to cancel culture, and meanwhile, the alumni organization, this band is 116 years old or the tradition of it is, the alumni came out and they were like, no, we categorically reject all of this. And to me, the sad part is that it's an example where these kids are making a decision and they have absolutely no idea of consequences or actual history or legacy or gravitas, unless they indeed are prosecuted for those crimes. 

GUTFELD:  Exactly. If there is evidence for this, then go after the people, but they're making a condemnation of like you said a century's worth of people going in and out. Why am -- why do I care this much about this band?

I really don't. It's just weird. 

Okay. So I wanted to I want to get to the next segment, because it's my favorite one. Take a guess how much this woman makes acting like a dog on the internet. 

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 

GUTFELD:  She hit the gold mine by acting like a canine. Meet puppy girl, Jenna. She is 21 from Texas and she earns $10,000.00 a month pretending to be a dog on social media. God bless free enterprise. 

She started her business small like you do, eating dog chow on TikTok. Now, she is on subscription site and charges 20 bucks a month for people to watch her scamper around the house, 20 bucks a month, play tug of war, or fetch a ball. 

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS] 

GUTFELD:  Jenna says she used to work as an optician, but quit when she learned she could earn far more by working like a dog. My friend Mark puts his videos on a subscription site. He ain't making 10 grand though. 

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS] 

GUTFELD:  Mark sucks. Okay, so I'm confused, Emily, is this empowering? Or exploitive? Or is it exploitive pretending to be empowering? Or is it just awesome that she is making a living and she's not like living off somebody else? Is this beautiful? Is this a beautiful story? I'm convincing myself it is a beautiful story. 

COMPAGNO:  Well, it probably depends if you pull one of her $10,000.00 a month subscribers. I will say that when I first saw this, at first I was jealous, as I always am and regretted being an attorney when I see people half my age out earning a million dollars per year for doing nothing. 

But then when I saw those videos, I was like, you can't pay me enough to do that. Like absolutely not. I don't care how much she is making. And the best part to me too, is that when you dive deeper into like the description of it in the article, it said that she got most of her stuff, her toys and her props from Etsy and also from pet stores where she would make up fictional dogs to avoid quote "awkward conversations" with cashiers. 

So basically this chick is out earning most of America, but she can't disclose how in daylight hours. 

GUTFELD:  Wow, that sounds like what I do for a living, Emily.  You know, Kat, I think the big story here and the story that we're not talking about is that we don't pay opticians enough. Because if we paid opticians enough, they wouldn't be on the ground eating dog food for cash. 

TIMPF:  I think she likes it. I do. And look, I support it. I completely support you. You do that. Go ahead. And another person I support, I looked through some of these videos on this TikTok is there's a dude who is like filming it and talking to her and every now and then you see his arm or whatever. Okay? 

Whenever I ask Cam to take a photo of me for my Instagram, he's like, okay, and I'm acting human and all of those. No more. All right, this guy now that I see, look at him. He is there. He's all in. So, way to go for you, too. And I'm going to make things harder on Cam now whenever I want an Instagram content. 

GUTFELD:  That's a tremendous waste of toilet paper, Tyrus. Did you see that? 

MURDOCH:  The world's ending as we know it. 

GUTFELD:  Yes. 

MURDOCH:  This is what it's all about. That's what it's all about. 

GUTFELD:  Yes. 

TIMPF:  I think it's great. Capitalism, baby. 

GUTFELD:  Well, Joel, what do you think? 

MURDOCH:  I think we have a lot of sick people in the world. 

GUTFELD:  I am also ambivalent about this. I don't know what to feel, Joel.

I can't find my outrage button in my body. 

POLLAK:  Well, what I want to know is how committed they are to this model of making a living? I mean, are they house trained? You know what happens with all of that? 

But the other point is, this may not be around for much longer because Trump banned TikTok. As of tomorrow, you can't get this anymore. So this may be a case of cruelty to animals or something. 

GUTFELD:  Yes. It's true, too. I you know, I think she -- I think it just proves that for every freak out there, there's another thousand freaks just like them willing to hand over money and I think that's a beautiful thing. 

TIMPF:  Thank God for that. 

GUTFELD:  Thank God for the freaks. All right, more stuff, next. I swear. 

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 

ANNOUNCER:  Final thoughts. It's the last thought. That's why it's called the final thoughts, okay? 

GUTFELD:  Kat, got a final thought? 

TIMPF:  Yes, I had libertarian presidential candidate Jo Jorgensen on "Sincerely, Kat" this week. We talk about, you know, third party voting and how to stop stalking your ex and if you watch it, you see lipstick on my teeth from the beginning know that I did that on purpose to make you feel better, because I've been getting too attractive. So I did it for you and you're welcome. 

GUTFELD:  Final thought Joel? 

POLLAK:  Well, first of all, a very Happy New Year to everyone in the Jewish world and a great New Year's gift is my book "Red November" and a special shout out to Granny Rhoda. This is her absolute favorite TV program. So hi, Gran. 

GUTFELD:  Smart lady. Tyrus? Any final thought? 

MURDOCH:  Hey, Granny, and all Tyrus fans out there, for a low, low price of $1.99 a month, you can watch me pretend to be a hibernating bear at night when I go to sleep. Sign up now. Don't miss it. 

GUTFELD:  Emily? 

COMPAGNO:  See you guys on my Instagram @RealEmilyCompagno where I shamelessly promote things every day all day. So look for that stuff there. 

GUTFELD:  Excellent, Emily. All right. Thank you, Emily, Joel, Kat and Tyrus. 

I'm Greg Gutfeld, and I love you, America.

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