This is a rush transcript from "The Five," September 2, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Welcome back to "The Five."
More than 500 campuses enacted total smoking bans. But the University of Kentucky leads the pack against the packs. The colleges have mammals to go after the camels and they enlisted volunteers to get rid of the cigs.
Now students are driving the grassroots effort which chafes my chaps. What is worse is turning the students to tattle tales, overgrown hall monitors emboldened to interfere because smoking is a sanctioned target. God forbid they confront a real threat like tenure.
But I'm convinced the program is backed by the big tobacco. College is a time of rebellion. If some dork starts lecturing you on your cigarettes, you're more than like to take up smoking and then put the butt out on his eyeball. Even more, imagine the policing were applied to sex. If students harangued other students or teachers in the throes of unsafe sex, the cry would be enormous not just from overgrown professors and feminists but Bob Beckel as he flees from women's dorm dressed as a futon.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: That disturbing.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Is this a discussion here?
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Yes.
BECKEL: I don't like futons. They're uncomfortable.
GUTFELD: Don't you agree -- you were a rebellious guy, I'm sure you were.
BECKEL: I still am.
GUTFELD: If some guy came up to you and said put that out. This is like joining a cult.
BECKEL: I'd hit him in his eyes. They did this about smoking marijuana. That was bad enough. If you get ratted out on cigarettes - and you're right, I think as soon as this is out there, more kids smoke just to in their face.
(CROSSTALK)
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Unbelievable. The liberal that loves regulation finds one he can't stand.
BECKEL: For good reason.
(CROSSTALK)
BOLLING: What about the fascists in D.C. telling us what we can eat, salty food or sugary soda. It's the same thing.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: I don't know why I started smoking but I started late in life. I'm trying to quit on my birthday in ten days.
GUILFOYLE: No one likes a quitter.
GUTFELD: That's true. Does this encourage kids to stop smoking or start smoking?
TANTAROS: I think they will do whatever they want no matter what. I think it's ironic college campuses say express yourself, experiment. Now they say don't do it. They should allow an area for the kids to smoke.
(CROSSTALK)
GUILFOYLE: What is happening to college campuses? They're not fun anymore.
GUTFELD: Are we creating a nation of wusses?
BOLLING: No, it's nation of Democrats.
BECKEL: Get out of here. Doing away with the coed kids on dorms was the worst part.
GUILFOYLE: Were you in one?
BECKEL: I was.
GUILFOYLE: That is the reason I wasn't.
BECKEL: Greg, where did you get the shoes?
GUTFELD: My wife made them.
BECKEL: Then I won't make fun.
GUTFELD: Converse with studs.
TANTAROS: Do you make your own shoes at the Gutfeld house?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TANTAROS: You're a cobbler.
BOLLING: Because you heard so many people say "Greg, you're such a stud?"
GUTFELD: Exactly.
BOLLING: Bob, is it OK for a dry campus, though?
BECKEL: No.
BOLLING: You don't like the idea of not smoking, I wondered about not --
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: Another topic here.
GUTFELD: Two minutes. A friend of mine Anna David wrote a piece on - - I can't remember the website. Sorry, Anna. Anyway, she is a feminist and wrote as a feminist she changed her mind about men paying for dinner. She was always against it. Now she says the uncertainty that happens at the restaurant is creating anxiety she wishes men would pay. What do you make of this?
TANTAROS: She also says at the end of her piece, at the end of the day, women want to be taken care of. After decades and decades and decades of feminists burning their bras, saying make more money, do this, run over men, have sex like a man, tell your man what to do, don't let them open the door -- they're not happy with the product, are you, ladies? A lot of them are older, not married, and not getting you know what?
GUTFELD: What would happen if you were on a date --
GUILFOYLE: Here come the e-mail.
GUTFELD: What would happen if you were on a date, Kimberly, and said let's split it, and he's talking about the bill?
GUILFOYLE: Excuse me? I don't have a problem with splitting the Bill or paying for it. If there are certain guys have firm opinions about this and they want to treat a woman and they love them and shower them with affection and attention.
TANTAROS: That is how men are designed.
GUILFOYLE: Then let a man be a man. Don't turn him in to a eunuch. We don't need any of those.
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: I would pick up the check if I thought the long-term outcome was a worthwhile investment.
GUTFELD: Long-term is the next seven hours.
(CROSSTALK)
(LAUGHTER)
BOLLING: I didn't say that, but if you didn't think it was long-term investment, you'd split it?
GUILFOYLE: Let her pay.
TANTAROS: Why did you make me pay then?
BECKEL: Because you are not a good long-term investment.
GUTFELD: On that note.
GUILFOYLE: Way to hold out.
(LAUGHTER)
BECKEL: Are you supposed to get out?
GUTFELD: You want to read it? Go ahead. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
BECKEL: I won't fall for it twice.
GUTFELD: Apparently we need to be sensitive to feeling of bin Laden supporters because of controversies erupted over this t-shirt. Skip that part. I want Bob to read that. That is coming up next on "The Five."
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