This is a rush transcript from "The Five," March 1, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
DANA PERINO, HOST: Hello. I am Dana Perino with Kennedy, Marie Harf, Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City on this Friday. This is “The Five.”
Reports of a divide inside the Democratic Party. Moderates now are facing threats and political retribution if they work with Republicans. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reportedly scolding more than two dozen Democrats who broke rank to support a Republican amendment in a gun control bill this week.
Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez take it a step further by threatening to put those Democrats on a list for a primary challenge if they vote with the GOP in the future.
This is very interesting because how did they win in the midterms, Greg? It wasn't necessarily the left. It was in those moderate swing districts where they have to vote as the constituents want.
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: I like how you asked me that question --
PERINO: And then answered it.
GUTFELD: -- and then you answered it.
PERINO: Jesse guided that. It's called reading the weakness.
GUTFELD: Fantastic, you know. I need to rest my brain after beating Jesse yesterday on Tucker.
JESSE WATTERS, HOST: Was it that hard?
GUTFELD: Good point.
PERINO: How many times will it come up today?
GUTFELD: It will come up every segment. OK. This strategy, to your point, mistakenly gives the power to the very people that they are trying to punish. Suddenly moderates and kind of independent minds have like the power of 10 of their peers. Like think about like --
PERINO: Yes. They're like the freedom caucus now.
GUTFELD: Think about like, what's his name, Rand Paul. Every time there has to be a vote everybody has to go to Rand Paul. They all have to run Rand Paul and see, Rand, would do you this, would you do that. And also, remember Susan Collins with the Kavanaugh thing?
GUTFELD: It's great to be that person. The person everybody has to wonder and worry about. I love stalemates. One of the great things about your parents fighting is that they overlook the stuff you're doing, you know. You could stay out later and they don't notice and they look in their cabinet every bottle got slightly less.
WATTERS: You thought a lot of that.
GUTFELD: Yes. No, not as much as I would have liked. But, so, what I mean is, less work gets done in the government in stalemates. Stalemates -- it's kind of its form of limited government. Even though they take --
PERINO: Right. They're not doing anything. Usually the stock market is happier too.
PERINO: When the government is not doing anything. Wouldn't you liked to have been a fly on the wall at this meeting, Jesse?
WATTERS: Yes. Definitely. Dana.
WATTERS: Let's be honest here. There is a statistic in sports called plus or minus.
PERINO: Yes, it's hard.
WATTERS: It measures the player's impact on the games when they are on the bench and when they're on the field --
WATTERS: -- and how the other team is scoring on the opposing player.
WATTERS: Did I just mansplain?
GUTFELD: Yes, you did.
PERINO: But I welcome it.
WATTERS: OK, good. But I thought you read it.
PERINO: Plus or minus, I do mean it. Plus or minus.
WATTERS: AOC if you look at its Republicans are scoring so many points because of AOC. If you think about the green new deal, socialism, abolish ICE, and then being OK illegal immigrants crossing the border to go buy guns and then not telling anybody that the illegals are trying to buy guns. That is so crazy.
If the Democrats lose the House in 2020, there are going to be Democrats pointing their finger at AOC. And on top of that she wants to create a civil war? This is like, she is like the Steve Bannon of the left now? Remember what happened with the Tea Party. You get some good candidates like Rubio or a Cruz and then you get Aikens (Ph) and you get some crazy people.
PERINO: Christine O'Donnell.
WATTERS: Christina the witch.
PERINO: I am not a witch. I'm you.
WATTERS: Right. But you know, I love when Democrats fight each other. I just sit back and relax and --
PERINO: To Jesse's point, take a look at this poll, Kennedy. This was in the Wall Street Journal, a question about Medicare for all. So, in November 2018 when the election is happening, there was about 30 percent support. Where is it today? Twelve percent.
GUTFELD: It's a hell of a chart, Dana.
PERINO: What do you think about that chart?
GUTFELD: I think it's a great chart.
PERINO: Thank you so much.
GUTFELD: Excellent chart.
LISA KENNEDY MONTGOMERY, HOST: I mean --
PERINO: OK. Because we are talking about the issues rather than just about personalities.
MONTGOMERY: That's fantastic. But I think the problem with progressives is they feel the cult of personality will sell the idea. The problem is, you know, voters are more tuned-in than they have been in the past because everyone is talking about politics nowadays. One of my bosses pointed out that this is the new water cooler. It used to be the Kardashians and now it's President Trump and Congress.
And so, people go one step further on a lot of issues and they go, wait a second. What does this cost? And that's how, you know, and Marie and I have talked about this a lot. Moderate Democrats who have made inroads in the party in critical parts of the country and Nancy Pelosi and AOC, a brand- new freshman congresswoman is telling them they have to vote in lockstep.
Do you think that's going to be popular with their purple constituencies back home? No way! If they throw off the blob and show some independence, they are more electable. And if I want this job for a long time, and by the way I don't know who would want this job is.
If you've people telling you if you don't vote a certain way, if you show any independence or logic at all you are going on a list? That's a horrible job.
PERINO: That's right. And Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez with her list, apparently, Congresswoman Torres Small also a freshman, she won in New Mexico.
MARIE HARF, RADIO CO-HOST: New Mexico, right.
PERINO: And it was a very close race, it's right there on the border and apparently, she stood up in the meeting, Marie and she said you don't know how hard it is --
PERINO: -- to actually run in a district where it's hard. I mean, obviously she, AOC beat the incumbent Democrat.
HARF: In a very liberal --
PERINO: But she didn't have to run in a very tough race.
HARF: And I think Democrats are seeing a little bit of what the Republicans went through and they're still seeing it. Right. You have a very hard-core right-wing folks threatening to primary Republicans that's why so many moderate Republicans didn't run in 2018.
PERINO: That's true.
HARF: Because they didn't want to get that inter-party primary. Look, these members who won in 2018 the moderate Democrats I do not think they are going to fall lockstep in line with AOC and I don't think AOC supporting primary challengers in these districts will actually work. If we look at these moderate districts or moderate states in 2018 the Democrats that won the primaries were moderates.
HARF: They beat much progressive. Look at Virginia in the governor's race, for example. Tom Perriello a really progressive, he was beat was Ralph Northam.
PERINO: He lost. Yes.
HARF: He lost. So, I think that --
WATTERS: I bet you wish the other guy had won.
HARF: Not actually. You mean Ed Gillespie?
HARF: No, I don't wish that. But that's actually been an interesting discussion, Jesse. But, no. I think that AOC is very good at getting people to talk about her. The question that will face voters is who has done something for you? And the moderate Democrats I think have plans to say here is what I voted on that would have benefitted you.
HARF: Here's how I've tried to help you. And she is really, I mean, she is getting so much grief from inside the party for threatening the primary people when she's not done anything yet in Congress.
MONTGOMERY: Can I add something to that very quickly?
MONTGOMERY: Because if we're talking about moderate Democrats, they are the ones who are coming up with ideas to push forward an agenda which is the opposite of what Democratic leadership is doing especially in the House. They don't have ideas. They have resistance. And even though Nancy Pelosi --
PERINO: Let me grab this other topic here because there is another example of liberal outrage. Joe Biden forced to apologize after making this statement about Mike Pence.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT: The fact of the matter is, just followed on by a guy who is a decent guy, our vice president who stood before this group of allies and leaders and said I am here on behalf of President Trump. And there was dead silence.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: After receiving tons of backlash for calling Pence a decent guy, Biden backtracked tweeting in part, quote, "there is nothing decent about being anti-LGBTQ rights and that includes the vice president." So, Greg, you can't even like say someone is a nice guy even if you disagree with him?
GUTFELD: You can believe that Pence is incorrect in his beliefs and still see Biden as a really week person because he didn't change his mind. He folded to a mob on social media. I mean, if he gets that easily spooked --
GUTFELD: -- which is the opposite of being a leader, how is he going to handle the Twitter mob or even Trump in a debate? I mean, if you fold that quickly.
PERINO: Good point.
GUTFELD: Joe should have said, you know what? Pence was where I was 15 years ago. And do I dislike who I was 15 years ago? No, I thought he was a pretty good guy, I still think he is a pretty good guy.
It's also interesting how one religion gets the shaft a lot on this but another religion doesn't.
PERINO: What do you make of that in terms of, I think that's a really good point. If Joe Biden had said look, a leadership position, if the number two issue in the country is worry about polarization --
PERINO: -- is a way for him to deal with it to be a leader that says, actually, you know what, we can all do this, we can just -- we're all Americans.
WATTERS: Yes. He caved to the resistance. You know my motto, Dana?
WATTERS: Never apologize. Because it makes you look weak and soft.
PERINO: The art of the Jesse.
WATTERS: In 2020, -- it has, and in 2020, it's going to be the Democrats will apologize for everything and Trump who apologizes for nothing. So it's going to be a great clash. And to Greg's point, Joe Biden was an indecent man just five years ago or 10 years ago when he the same position on traditional marriage. It doesn't make you anti-LGBTQ. Do I have that right?
HARF: Yes, you got it.
WATTERS: If you are against traditional marriage. You can be Christian and not hate gay people like they are trying to smear Pence's. And didn't the Trump administration just push for a worldwide decriminalization of homosexuality? He doesn't get any credit there.
HARF: I think what this lesson tells us is that what we are seeing in many of these primary states out on the road now that Kennedy are talking to voters, is that voters care about a very different set of things than the online Twitter mob.
And so, if people running in this primary --
PERINO: It's so true.
HARF: -- want to reach primary voters they cannot suck up their time and energy doing what Greg says, getting tied into the mob and responding to everything because when you look at issues even like Elizabeth Warren and the Native American issue. Voters are not asking her about it.
PERINO: This just show, and you know what, you have a good perspective because you're not on Twitter.
HARF: I am not on Twitter.
PERINO: And I admire that so much. Kennedy, last word.
MONTGOMERY: No. I think Greg and Marie have it absolutely right. You know, Greg is right.
WATTERS: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I said something coherent.
MONTGOMERY: Yes, you know what?
PERINO: Never apologize.
MONTGOMERY: This segment is about winners. If you had won last time --
MONTGOMERY: You would have gotten shootouts. You cannot fold to the mob. And you cannot anticipate them and you also cannot pacify them. So, don't even try.
And this election is going to be very different than 2016. It's not just going to be acrimonious. Democrats have to decide, do they want a cheap pale impression of President Trump and you know, to do this kind of thing and sling the kind of insults that they see?
MONTGOMERY: Or do they want someone who is actually strong and can lead the country. Because sometimes being strong means saying, you know what?
MONTGOMERY: I'm not going to -- I'm not going to talk about identity politics every time I open my mouth. Because, again, you are not talking to the people who are going to --
PERINO: And just blaze (ph) the trail. All right. When it comes to investigating President Trump Democrats are just getting started. What they are planning, next.
WATTERS: After three days of Michael Cohen's testimony and still no evidence of Russian collusion, Democrats have a backup plan to try to take Trump down. Investigate everybody.
Lawmakers are promising to unleash a slew of new investigations into the president, the White House and the Trump organization. This includes a growing list of potential witnesses. And Democrats say they are just getting started.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. ELIJAH CUMMINGS, D-MD: We've got about five committees that are looking at different aspects of the Trump administration.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There are at least four or five areas where there is credible evidence that the president committed very serious crimes.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Trump people thought that they could get aware with anything. And we're bringing some of this to light now.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The American people deserve to know whether Donald Trump is functionally a president or an organized crime boss.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I think we are moving into territory that is very perilous for the president and cannot be ignored by the Congress.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: All right, Marie, listen to these examples of what they want to investigate. How Trump humiliated Sessions.
PERINO: That's not OK.
WATTERS: How he called --
HARF: I can give you the answer.
WATTERS: I have many more. How he called the press the enemy of the people. How he railed against the ninth circuit. They want to investigate his company. His foundation, his charity and his family members and get his tax returns. I mean, they are investigating a person, not actual events.
HARF: Oversight is a tough thing. I know when you get to be in the majority and the people who put you there --
WATTERS: I think they are nearsighted.
HARF: -- in part because they wanted more oversight. Look, all of those entities you mentioned are already under investigation whether it's the Southern District of New York or other folks. Bob Mueller when it comes to Russia and obstruction of justice. These are all under investigation.
There are committees tasked with oversight. And I think that's the appropriate thing to do. I also think Democrats have to at the same time put forward a policy agenda. Next week they'll be voting on their bill that tries to perform how we do campaigns some of the campaign finance issues.
WATTERS: No one cares about that.
HARF: Well, I actually do and I think a lot of voters do.
WATTERS: No. They care about healthcare and education and --
HARF: Well, they also have healthcare bills they are putting forward.
HARF: And other policy agenda they are putting forward.
WATTERS: They got a swing at the Obamacare and they failed. Kennedy --
HARF: We are not the ones who failed to repeal and replace after running on that for 10 years.
WATTERS: No, Obamacare was just a failure. Kennedy --
HARF: No. Actually, it's more popular than the Trump tax cuts today.
WATTERS: When the Republicans were in charge of oversight, they actually investigated real events.
HARF: I'm sorry. What?
WATTERS: Like the IRS targeting scandal, fast and furious, Benghazi, the V.A. scandals. People actually died then and people's constitutional rights were violated. It just seems like they are just going after one guy this time.
MONTGOMERY: Yes, innocent Americans. You know, when you're talking about Benghazi and you're talking about the V.A. scandal we still don't have satisfactory answers to some of those queries.
My advice for Democrats is if the president did something wrong, figure out what it is and advance. Instead of launching a thousand ships, you know, figure out three or four. And instead of throwing so much spaghetti at the wall because at some point you are going to have an empty plate and people are going to be hungry.
WATTERS: I'm hungry right now just talking about pasta.
Do you think there are any legitimate oversight inquiries that the Democrats have that you say that, you know, that's fine?
PERINO: Out of the list that you said like too vague. I think they are perhaps like I think on the -- they are going to definitely try on the point that I was making yesterday about when AOC asked about the money laundering and the insurance fraud. And I think that that was like very specific and smart, like the way that she laid that out. I don't know if it goes that way.
PERINO: Anyway, Elijah --
GUTFELD: Real estate evaluation driving me crazy.
PERINO: That's not what it was about.
WATTERS: How many homes do you have, Greg?
PERINO: Elijah Cummings made a -- he was very s offended the other day during the hearing --
PERINO: -- when all of these Republicans were y saying this is the first hearing we're having and that's outrageous. And he says, no, that's not the case.
PERINO: We actually did the very first thing they did was on prescription drug prices, which was the number one issue, right? Healthcare. The second is one was about voting rights. They actually there are a lot of state legislatures that trying to change the laws right now. So, we should all be paying attention to that.
So, if they want to keep the House and have a chance of bringing back the Senate, they are going to have to have a record to run on. And running on going after the president and headlines on, you know, other cable stations are probably not going to help.
WATTERS: Greg, I'm going to you last since you beat me last night, so go right ahead.
GUTFELD: Beat you like a drum. A weak, small drum. Anyway, a pathetic small drum. Is there any limit to investigations? So that's the scary part. It's like there is nobody there saying hold on. Deep breath. let's take on -- it's like they are shot gunning beer right now at the beach.
WATTERS: I'm switching parties.
GUTFELD: Yes. They are investigating into why they don't like somebody.
GUTFELD: That's what this is about. So, the oversight is getting a little overdone. And they are spending money, really, our money on therapy. If you think about it all of this is a direct result obviously of 2016. Trump won. So, every investigation and anti-Trump story is kind of an ointment for that wound. But the problem is a lot of these ointments aren't working.
Kavanaugh, Covington, Smollett, the BuzzFeed bombshell, Cohen. These are supposed to be the (Inaudible) that are designed to sue Jim Acosta and people like him. But it's so bad that it's not working. You know what it is. It's like if you comparing drugs that are long lasting these kinds of moments, they're like crack where last about 15 minutes. It's not a really long high.
WATTERS: So, you are saying if you have Trump derangement syndrome the doctor will prescribe harsh oversight?
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
WATTERS: That's the only thing that's going to make --
PERINO: I also think that it is a backlash from 2014 and '15 and the Benghazi hearings.
PERINO: And a lot of career staff who were there on the Hill --
MONTGOMERY: They've been waiting for it.
PERINO: Yes. This is -- yes.
MONTGOMERY: Absolutely right.
PERINO: This is the first time they've had the gavel back so they are going to try to go for it.
HARF: These are also real --
WATTERS: People actually died in Benghazi.
HARF: -- criminal allegations of wrongdoing though by the president and senior members of the administration.
WATTERS: Trump was mean to Sessions?
MONTGOMERY: That's right. Dana is right. Stop spreading it so thin.
HARF: Right. But --
MONTGOMERY: What happens when you spread pizza across too thin? It falls apart.
WATTERS: Real food analogies.
PERINO: Well, it's not time.
HARF: These are real allegations of wrongdoing.
WATTERS: All right. Wait until you hear how one media outlet is trying to excuse Jussie Smollett's hate crime hoax, next.
MONTGOMERY: All right. A Hollywood reporter apparently making new excuses for Jussie Smollett. The magazine suggesting the stress of fame could be the reason the "Empire" actor allegedly faked the hate crime saying, quote, "Did the pressures of childhood fame or a struggling music career play a role in causing him to concoct what police are now deeming an elaborate hoax?"
Greg, I will go to you first because you have covered media and celebrities for a long time.
GUTFELD: That I have.
WATTERS: Like he knows stress.
GUTFELD: I do. I make -- by the way, that's true. There is nobody more stressful -- than stressed out than I am. And I've never faked a hate crime.
WATTERS: Yes. You should be on a hate --
GUTFELD: I should be doing fake hate crimes up and down Fifth Avenue the way I am. Here's -- you know, the whole cover of this they've been putting him on the cover. This industry I think is ashamed. And they can't accept how their delusion made them vulnerable to a hoaxer with the explosion of hate crime media attention? There is no immune system. That the industry has no immune system so you can be vulnerable to any predatory hoax -- predatory, is that a word?
GUTFELD: Hoaxer. Somebody who can just come in and just say I have been beaten. And because we're now in an era of we must believe everybody, which is the exact opposite of what your parents were telling you. Your parents taught you to be skeptical that people don't tell the truth a lot of the times. But now we are told to believe everybody when, in fact, we can take it seriously but never abandon your skepticism.
But they can't let go. I think they are really, really ashamed. Right now, one of the leaders of the Me Too movement had to step down. I can't remember the organization she ran.
PERINO: Yes. Time's Up.
GUTFELD: Time's Up. To defend her own son from sexual harassment. So apparently, she thinks the accuser is lying. And that's the thing. We have to get back to the idea of skepticism. And instead of continually turning people into victims because it just encourages victimhood.
MONTGOMERY: And also, you know, your parents teach you to be skeptical.
MONTGOMERY: They also tell you don't lie.
MONTGOMERY: Because if you keep lying you are the kid who cried wolf and all of a sudden no one is going to believe you. But there is a difference between an excuse and an explanation. And I think what we are seeing here is an excuse. It's not an explanation.
And what they are saying is it's so hard being famous, it's so hard being young and being famous, therefore the stress of that is going to cause you to do all sorts of untoward things. If that were the case the entire cast of "Full House" and everyone who's ever worked at Nickelodeon would be out faking horrific political crimes.
GUTFELD: That's true.
MONTGOMERY: Marie, you're giving me the --
HARF: Well, some of them did some best stuff. No. I think I like your point about the difference between an excuse and an explanation. Because I am actually curious what the explanation is. Clearly, he has psychological problems. And the fact that those problems led him to fake this when statistically there are more victims of real hate crimes now that should be believed.
GUTFELD: Not true.
HARF: The FBI says it's up 17 percent.
GUTFELD: No. Not that statistic.
HARF: That's true.
GUTFELD: No, no, but can I just --
WATTERS: Can we do it in the commercial?
GUTFELD: I will do it in the commercial.
HARF: No, no, no.
MONTGOMERY: We need to employ skepticism. How many departments are contributing to those statistics? How often they are contributing --
HARF: Can I finish my point?
MONTGOMERY: -- what is the criteria for contribution. Please finish.
HARF: The week this happened there was a real hate crime proven perpetrated in another part of the country. But because it wasn't a celebrity, nobody cares.
WATTERS: Well, you mean the guy that got punched at Berkeley?
HARF: No, Jesse. Not the guy that got punch at Berkeley.
WATTERS: Political hate crime.
HARF: This isn't funny. Like hate crimes are actually a problem --
GUTFELD: No, no. But we're trying -- we're trying --
WATTERS: I am not making a joke. That was a legit hate crime.
GUTFELD: Yes. That was actually filmed.
HARF: My point is, this person did something that hurt the ability of real victims to be believed.
HARF: And I am genuinely curious what the explanation is. And I don't think people should make excuses. I was kind of agreeing with you.
GUTFELD: I know, I know. But you know, the thing --
HARF: You don't have to jump on me.
GUTFELD: No. But the things -- we didn't jump on you. That statistic has been a problem here on this show because every time we try to explain then it's about a thousand additional agencies that were added so it wasn't about rate of increase, it was about just reporting.
HARF: So there's just - there's still a lot.
KENNEDY: It didn't mean the reporting was arbitrary. I want to bring Dana in.
HARF: But there's still a lot which ae bad.
PERINO: So to me, this is the classic rich people problems. Remember, Winona Ryder when she was shoplifting.
KENNEDY: Oh I love that one.
PERINO: That was because was so stressed because like real stress is like single moms trying to raise their kids or work two jobs and real stress is like when your child is in jail or going through something difficult.
Real stress is when you lose your job because of government regulations like, that's actually stressful. This is Bolognese.
KENNEDY: Yeah and by the way, you don't see single moms who are trying to balance everything out shoplifting.
GUTFELD: A 100 grand an episode and he stressed out.
WATTERS: Well, it seems it did not stress him out because he's not that famous. I didn't even know who he was before we heard of that.
KENNEDY: I was - I still am a huge ‘Empire' fan.
WATTERS: You are.
KENNEDY: Great show.
HARF: I've never seen it.
KENNEDY: Oh my gosh.
HARF: I know.
GUTFELD: I'm not a big fan of baseball. Oh Empire.
KENNEDY: Jesse, would you like to.
WATTERS: I would say this, I would say that the media is just covering up for this guy because he's one of them and this is what happens if you're Democrat and you know you can wear a black face, you can punch something reporter out of your Baldwin, you could cut - perpetrate a hate crime hoax if you're Smollett and there will always be people on the Left that will downplay what you did.
Oh, he's just stressed, oh Baldwin, he loves to punch people. You know, Northam, he'll get through it. That's what happened when you're Democrat, the run cover for you.
GUTFELD: The other thing in that same magazine, didn't they have a column by Ellen Page?
GUTFELD: And she did not even need like address the fact that you know, blame pants, etcetera.
KENNEDY: Indeed, up next.
GUTFELD: Also I beat Jesse last night.
GUTFELD: I do it every segment.
HARF: He beat him so hard, he beat him again.
KENNEDY: And guess what? You're probably doing something very naughty on your phone coming up, we've got the new tech rules for conversation. How many are you breaking? It's a felony. Plus our personal favorite, that's up next.
HARF: If you're anything like me, you hate new digital age. Everyone is on their phones right now being ridiculous here. From texting to email to social media, all rules have changed and there's virtually no face to face interaction anymore.
Well, this week USA Today put out a list of what they think are the new do's and don'ts in communicating so do we agree with these and then we came up with some of our own which we'll get to in a few minutes.
Let's start with USA Today's. Don't respond with one word texts like OK or LOL.
HARF: Don't like your own posts.
HARF: Don't take hours to respond without an excuse. You don't actually have to leave a voice message.
KENNEDY: Oh thank you Jesus.
HARF: Because I won't listen and try not to deliver bad news via text. Okay, so let's start with our thoughts on USA Today's, Jesse.
WATTERS: Oh yeah, breaking up over texts is bad.
WATTERS: Okay, all right, that's good to know. What are the other ones? Can we put it back up on the screen?
HARF: I think some of them were - Like not using one word answers is not well.
WATTERS: I do you use LOL, OK all the time and I take a very long time to respond from to some texts.
GUTFELD: Don't you find it ironic that this is from USA Today which is basically the doormat for rest homes. I mean it's not actually update. This story was maybe four years ago.
HARF: I liked some of these though.
WATTERS: What were the other ones?
KENNEDY: Some of them - but it actually is pretty outdated because you don't have to use one word responses now because now you can add a heart. Haha, two exclamation points, you can add all sorts of things and emojis.
I mean they don't even bring that in because you can button your conversation and it's not an improv class, not every text has to be yes and where you go on and on and welcome more and more. Sometimes a text thread doesn't have to go on for six hours.
HARF: But I think, do we leave voice messages?
HARF: So we agree with that one.
WATTERS: This can also be used in court so it's definitely not -
GUTFELD: Jesse's always thinking about the court.
HARF: It says if you have time to post on Snapchat, you have time to respond to text messages, that was one of their rules.
KENNEDY: Is that my mom?
WATTERS: Your mom's on Snap?
GUTFELD: But these are nothing problems. That you're having problems. We all know the big problem is mobs like this is the - write a story about that.
HARF: But this is about personal etiquette so we each came up with our own rule for our personal electronic etiquette. Mine was, tell someone if you want them to respond in a certain amount of time to an email. Like my job isn't to respond you in 10 minutes. If you need an answer say, can you get back to me tonight?
And I - Can I -
WATTERS: I need to intercept. Can I say?
HARF: Sure. And I do the same to people and if I don't say that, if I get a response in a week, I'm cool with it.
PERINO: Okay, I like it.
HARF: Jesse, what was yours?
WATTERS: Mine was on a group text if everyone's being really funny and saying all these great things and I try to chime in late and then no one ever responds at the end, it hurts my feelings. I need a acknowledgement.
It kind of does, yeah, I'm just not as good as it you know.
HARF: Okay, Dana.
PERINO: Mine is about noise and notification so if you are in a group and if you are in a public place like in a restaurant or at the airport lounge for example, and if you're on your phone, everybody's on the phone so you're constantly there so you don't need a Ding Ding Ding or mom train noise. Like you don't need any of that if you're actually on your phone. So-
GUTFELD: Say Ding Ding Ding again?
PERINO: Ding Ding Ding.
GUTFELD: Oh, somebody's got to tape that for a ringtone.
HARF: Ding Ding Ding.
PERINO: I just did it - I can't stand it, the noise.
KENNEDY: That is amazing.
HARF: I agree, I agree on a train or - it happens and people don't think that it is annoying when it's -
WATTERS: Quiet car.
KENNEDY: The worst is now that they have a different ear bud jack on newer iPhones.
KENNEDY: And some of our golden Americans don't like our culture. Now they want - they want shows at full volume on planes. And so -
HARF: They facetime loudly in public. That is what my biggest problem is. Greg, what was yours?
GUTFELD: I'm trying to remember, put it up there so I can read it. Don't start something you can't finish.
HARF: Is this about social media?
GUTFELD: No, this is -
PERINO: This is a golden rule.
GUTFELD: Oh no, I tweeted this too.
KENNEDY: Is that your culture in high school?
GUTFELD: No, someone I met at the port authority. You know what? When somebody starts a conversation with you and then Hey, Gutfeld, what's going on and then that's it and I'm going like, are they checking? Were they checking on me?
WATTERS: I do the checking.
GUTFELD: Yeah, they do the check like this is meant for something else. I don't like that at all. I don't like texting, period?
HARF: What was yours?
KENNEDY: Mine are pretty straightforward. No drunk tweeting.
HARF: And where's the other one? Oh, we can't use the other one because I said the naughty word. Don't show your hind quarters on Instagram. No one needs to do that unless you're a lingerie model or working for a Proctology group, no one needs -
GUTFELD: So I'm okay then.
PERINO: Is this a problem on your Instagram feed.
KENNEDY: Not mine, everyone's in the world and also I have young girls and I try and tell them like don't go for the easy likes. If you're going to put something out there, have it be smart and thoughtful.
KENNEDY: And if I ever see booty shots, you know you're in trouble.
GUTFELD: Kennedy, I said it was a mistake. It was for a different Kennedy.
HARF: We solved all of the social media etiquette here.
PERINO: Good job Marie.
HARF: I know. It was - it was good. Okay, so anyways it's Friday so that means Fanmail Friday is up next. Stay tuned, don't go anywhere.
GUTFELD: That's it, you are the one that I want. Greece.
PERINO: It's a great cover.
GUTFELD: It's a great cover from Greece, that's the you're the one that I want.
KENNEDY: There was more words?
PERINO: That was the cover.
GUTFELD: Like - It was Mr. Bungle.
KENNEDY: Who is it?
GUTFELD: I can't remember but Mr Bungle's great band.
GUTFELD: RIP. All right, first question. Thank you for that nice nexeo, that's a TV talk for whatever. If you could disinvent one thing, think about that, if you could disinvent one thing, what would it be Dana and it can't be any digital phone stuff, we already did that.
PERINO: Oh, no.
GUTFELD: You can't say, oh, the phone. Come on. Jesse.
PERINO: High heels.
GUTFELD: High heels, oh, that's good.
PERINO: You said you would never know.
GUTFELD: Yes, you would never know.
GUTFELD: And it's only designed for one thing, Jesse.
WATTERS: I would uninvent Tucker's quiz so I would not lose to you.
GUTFELD: That was very creative.
WATTERS: You know, I brought it up so you didn't have to.
GUTFELD: Yeah, but nicely done. Kennedy.
KENNEDY: Oh, disinvent one thing, this is very tough, Greg.
GUTFELD: Just say war.
PERINO: I know, I was going to say something serious.
KENNEDY: I would disinvent the atom bomb.
GUTFELD: Ooh, that's good.
WATTERS: Can I have a second. I would disinvent the song you played in the beginning.
GUTFELD: All right, Marie, what's your?
HARF: Oh, I was going to say Twitter. I know I'm not supposed to.
GUTFELD: No, you can say. That's good.
HARF: Oh, I can?
GUTFELD: Okay, that's like really - but I would -
GUTFELD: We were better people before Twitter.
GUTFELD: You know what I - I'm asking this seriously. The puffer test that tests your eye pressure is the worst thing in the world.
PERINO: But I like it.
HARF: You like it?
GUTFELD: Only Dana Perino would like the puffer test.
WATTERS: You like it?
GUTFELD: It's an air shot at your eye ball.
PERINO: It only takes a second.
GUTFELD: It is the worst feeling.
WATTERS: It's the anticipation.
GUTFELD: It's a -
PERINO: Worse than a dental drill?
GUTFELD: Yeah, it is. I would rather get drilled, I'd rather get my nerve -
WATTERS: I'd rather get drilled.
GUTFELD: I'd rather get drilled at the dentist. Let me finish that.
PERINO: Facebook Friday. Disagree.
GUTFELD: This is another good question, Frenchifirecracker asks. If you were given $1 million, I presume to buy only one item of your choice, Kennedy, what would it be?
KENNEDY: $1 million car. I've always wanted a super fancy multi $100,000 car. I love cars. I have car envy, the weird exotics with special things that go superfast and perhaps hover. I would want one of those.
GUTFELD: A really zooped up Celica.
KENNEDY: Yes, that's right.
GUTFELD: Who can forget a Celica. I had a Toyota Celica briefly. Marie.
HARF: So it's one of my dream is to give enough money to the Ohio State University to get a tailgating spot, a permanent one for every game and you have to give a lot of money to get that for Ohio state football so I would put it all towards that.
PERINO: Good for you, that's sweet.
GUTFELD: I know what Jesse. You're going to have something very shrewd, aren't you?
WATTERS: I would buy $1 million of stock and then in the Trump economy, it's going to get up.
PERINO: Until the impeachment, that's kind of down.
GUTFELD: Then you can only buy one stock, which stock is it?
WATTERS: Who's the guy from Omaha?
HARF: My pillow?
PERINO: Warren Buffet.
WATTERS: By the way, how much is Berkshire Hathway one share, a million dollars.
GUTFELD: Dana. Dog choice.
PERINO: I would want -
GUTFELD: One dog choice.
PERINO: My great grandparents original homestead is for sale.
GUTFELD: Oh wow.
PERINO: In the black hills of Wyoming and it would be more than that amount but that's what I would put it towards. My cousin and I fantasize about winning a lottery and getting it back.
WATTERS: I would then buy her family plot and then resell it at an increased value.
PERINO: To me.
GUTFELD: I would buy gold from William Devane.
KENNEDY: You know who is also on his way up, Greg?
GUTFELD: Yeah but now is never been a better time to buy gold.
KENNEDY: And you know what you can do? You can sleep so comfortably on your my pillow.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. All right, okay, I asked that one already. Probably the best question we've ever had from Kimberly W. Which - what is one word to describe your mood most of the time?
That's a question you should ask yourself every day, what - what is the one word, be honest to describe your mood most of the time.
HARF: We should answer for each other.
GUTFELD: No Marie, you have to answer for yourself, turn nice. What's your - what mood?
HARF: I'm really - I've been really sad about the world lately. I know that's really depressing but I'm usually very happy person but this last few months.
GUTFELD: You know what helps?
HARF: I'm cynical right now and I never used to be.
HARF: I tried that.
GUTFELD: Really? Well, you're not trying hard enough then.
HARF: It's not helping.
GUTFELD: Kennedy, one word.
KENNEDY: One word, curious.
GUTFELD: Oh, good, you are curious.
KENNEDY: Not quite nosy but close.
PERINO: That's really moma to preteens. Exactly, what's in there?
GUTFELD: Awesome. You have no idea why you're here, do you?
WATTERS: Slightly bewildered. But amused.
GUTFELD: Of course, you're cheerful because only you would like to get air blasted in your eye ball.
GUTFELD: I'm going to say calm.
GUTFELD: Anxious. I'm anxious. I'm - I would say anxious. I'm a consistent anxious from the morning to the evening.
PERINO: You don't like have like ups and downs?
GUTFELD: Not really, I can wake up in the - you can wake me up in the middle of the night and I will still be anxious. My dreams are anxious room. Do you have your phone?
PERINO: Somebody's phone's ringing.
GUTFELD: Well, One more thing is up next. Where's that phone?
PERINO: All right, it's time now for One More Thing. Greg.
GUTFELD: Tomorrow night, the greatest show ever, Jesse. The Greg Gutfeld show. Oh, I forgot to do that. Greg's plugs, it's pointed at my hair. Old joke, probably should die down. Okay, The Greg Gutfeld Show, Saturday, March 2, I got Emily Compagno, Joe Devito, Kat Timpf and Tyrus at 10:00 PM. Check it out.
And for another plug, let's just take a look at what happened last night. Shall we?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TUCKER CARLSON, HOST: Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld.
GUTFELD: I cook almost every night for the children. You know, I go down to the orphanage and I cook.
WATTERS: Everything he's saying wrong.
CARLSON: Do you?
WATTERS: Oh God, I knew that.
GUTFELD: I crushed you like a bug.
CARLSON: Greg Gutfeld, you are impressive. I will give you my Eric Wimpell mug. Next time I see you're going to face off, it gets a 12 time jeopardy champion, good luck.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: He's never given me any mugs so he's - Tucker is dishonest. I'm done.
PERINO: I mean, fake news, fake news. Jesse, you're next.
WATTERS: I'm glad we did that because I'm filing an official complaint about last night's show.
PERINO: With whom?
WATTERS: With the Tucker producers because Greg answered a question wrongly, he mispronounced AOC's name. He said her middle name was not Ocasio, he said it was Octasio. And he still was awarded a point. Listen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLSON: Greg Gutfeld, can you be more specific?
GUTFELD: Alexandria Octasio Cortez. Alexandria Octasio Cortez. Alexandria Octasio Cortez.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: I want the point back.
GUTFELD: You did have the point. I'll give you the point.
WATTERS: I still lose with the point.
GUTFELD: Yeah, you still lose but by the way, the opera question is wrong too because it's not in the Bible that - her name is spelled differently.
WATTERS: That was the one question I got right.
GUTFELD: I know.
HARF: You got a biblical question, Greg?
WATTERS: Yeah, I - listen and I scored better than Dana.
PERINO: Everybody did. Do you want to talk about your show?
WATTERS: Yes, also the second best show apparently in the world, Watter's World. 8:00PM. You certainly have the impersonators of Trump and Kim there to have their third summit. We also have a controversy of the dog park. Some woman called the police when another dog humped her dog, listen.
PERINO: Oh, this is a story, I didn't do it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It's inappropriate for the dog.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No, it's not.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I know -
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The dog is humping her and she's calling the cops because my dog humped her dog. I took him home. He knows my opinion but you don't call on cops over it.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That's great.
WATTERS: Corey Lewandowski. He's - in a dog park sex scandal. You have to hear it.
PERINO: That's - does he agree that that's ridiculous.
WATTERS: I'm going to let you watch it.
PERINO: I'm going to watch because that is ridiculous. I'd like to get - I should have come out -
GUTFELD: That's a great story, I wish I had that on my show.
PERINO: All right, all right, all right.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: Okay, after 34 years on the force, take a look at this guy, Detective John Reilly he's retiring from the New York police department's mounted unit. He's been a part of the mounted team for 24 years and has been the sole mounted patrolman in Central Park for 10 years.
He has a trusty steed name trooper, he's 15 years old. He's also retiring. He's been 11 years on the job. Detective Reilly. He was reluctant to retire because of how much he's loved his job. He said where else can you get paid to ride a horse in Central Park.
They will have their old be covered by several different teams but they will certainly be missed, they were a real fixture there. Detective Reilly and Trooper, we salute you and thank you for your service.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
HARF: So every night at 6:00 PM eastern you can check out Benson and Harf on Fox news radio, and Fox nation, @bensonandharf.com. Tonight, we have a huge show. My co-host Guy Benson did CPAC, interviewed Senator Josh Holly, Senator Joni Ernst, the EPA administrator.
WATTERS: Did they catch to catch -?
HARF: I don't think that that's actually -
WATTERS: Because they were there.
HARF: No, and Andy Willer and then a cute other animal story. So watch Benson and Harf but a cute animal story about a rat.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HARF: This fat little rat got -
WATTERS: Is that Michael Cohen?
HARF: Got stuck in a manhole cover in Germany. Firefighters rescue him, one rescuer said the rat has a lot of winter flab.
PERINO: A little less cheese, rat, a less cheese. All right, Kennedy.
KENNEDY: Little more keto. Judith Streng from Flower Mound in Texas, she went to a lovely place in Iceland called Yoko's salon and she found an ice throne. He's roasty rump melted just enough that a big wave came along and swept her out to sea.
Judith, telling me she didn't perish, she didn't because an Icelandic boat captain who knew all about the dangerous water rescues went out and plucked her from nature's double grasp and she was returned safely, thankfully to her family.
She will probably never sit that lusty bottom on an ice throne again, no.
PERINO: Where do you find these things? You got some good One more things, Kennedy.
KENNEDY: Thank you very much Dana Perino.
PERINO: Everyone, you did a very nice job tonight. I was really like -- you know, on your team.
WATTERS: You were OK. Yes, good try.
PERINO: I know you never like what I do, Greg. But that's OK. All right, that's it for us. We will be back here on Monday. "Special Report" is up next.
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