This past Monday should have been like any other day.
I was home in the evening and settled down on the couch with some pistachios and a cold beverage to watch the Giants take on the Eagles. After sitting through 30 minutes of that stinkbomb (seriously, what an awful game), my world was brought to a halt by . . .
Wait for it . . .
"STAR WARS" TRAILER! GAAAAAAAAH!!! I've got it right below. Please watch it 30 times before we continue.
Done? OK, good. So, since December can't get here fast enough, I've dedicated this episode of Mail-it-in Friday to this cheesy topic: If Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are the Emperor Palpatine/Darth Vader of the NFL, who is Luke Skywalker?
Let's get to work!
ONE OBVIOUS CHOICE
It seems many of you think the answer is clear:
Let's break this down. Eli Manning differs from Luke Skywalker in many ways. Eli was raised by his real parents in a stable home and never made out with a sibling (that we know of). He doesn't skip his chores to waste time with his friends at the Toshi station and never gets cocky.
By the way, did I mention that Eli never made out with a sibling?! Why does everyone gloss over this? LUKE MADE OUT WITH HIS SISTER. AND ENJOYED IT! EWWWW!
Eli Manning has also never suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of his main rival. Luke Skywalker had his hand chopped off by Darth Vader before he was ultimately victorious.
However, there is one thing that can bond Eli and Luke together. If the Giants were to reach the Super Bowl and somehow beat the Patriots again, I can guarantee that Tom Brady (Darth) would pick up Bill Belichick (Emperor) by the neck and throw him down a giant shaft like so:
Let's face it, that's the only way this Patriots dynasty is going to end. It has to collapse from within. Maybe Eli is the man to do it.
WE PAUSE THESE PROCEEDINGS . . .
. . . For the nerdiest (and most awesome) conversation that has ever lived on FOXSports.com. It started innocently enough, when I posted this week's topic on Twitter and two dudes began to have a conversation.
I, of course, decided to respond and it was ON:
Then, things started going off the rails:
There was a quick pause for all three of us to recognize the silliness of the situation:
Then, it REALLY went off the rails.
At that point, my only reponse was:
Man, I freakin' love "Star Wars".
OK, BACK TO WORK
Once that happens, you could really make the argument that Andrew Luck is Luke. However, there's one key difference here.
Luke had Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (did he have a last name? If not, why not?) guiding him to victory.
All Andrew has is Obi-Wan Pagano. Not exactly the same thing. Can you imagine if it was Chuck's voice in Luke's head while he was speeding down that trench in the Battle of Yavin?
Instead of saying "Use the force, Luke! Let go, Luke!" It would have been Chuck stammering, "Don't use logic, Luke! Snap the ball awkwardly, Luke!"
The Rebel Alliance would have been crushed before it started.
Que? Johnny Manziel? You mean this guy?
Johnny Manziel is what Luke Skywalker would have been had he never left Tatooine. He would have spent his time day-drinking and pushing his speeder at maximum velocity through the canyons.
That's no way to live.
The temptation to make an illustration of Roger Goodell as Jar Jar Binks was too strong to ignore. So, thanks to FOXSports.com photo genius Mike Plona, I was able to make it happen.
Here he is:
Roger, you missed your calling.
Not a bad argument. I don't buy it, but it's not a bad argument. I mainly included this tweet because "Ris Weaver" totally sounds like a "Star Wars" name. Probably a bounty hunter with force ability from the extended universe.
I keep forgetting that's Tony Romo's full name. He really should go by that all the time. Sounds like a poet. Or someone who would direct a Birdman-type flick.
I don't know if I would agree with the comparison as a whole, but Romo does currently share a likeness with Luke at the end of "Empire Strikes Back." You know, in the Millennium Falcon after his hand got cut off . . .
It's the sling that sells it.
As Luke?! No way. Just look at Landry:
Aug 14, 2015; Jacksonville, FL, USA; Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Landry Jones (3) drops to throw during the second half of a preseason NFL football game against the Jacksonville Jaguars at EverBank Field. The Jaguars won 23-21. Mandatory Credit: Reinhold Matay-USA TODAY Sports Reinhold Matay
If anyone, he looks like Biggs Darklighter. For his sake, I hope Landry has better luck on Sunday in his first career start than Biggs did:
Landry should come out OK. The Steelers are playing the Chiefs, after all. There's nothing to worry about.
Van Buren Boys,
OK, he's clearly kidding here, but it does bring up something funny.
I always thought Eric Mangini resembled a "Star Wars" character. Take a look at him:
August 24, 2014; Santa Clara, CA, USA; San Francisco 49ers tight ends coach Eric Mangini during the third quarter against the San Diego Chargers at Levi's Stadium. The 49ers defeated the Chargers 21-7. Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports Kyle Terada USA TODAY Sports
Now check out Lobot, the Cloud City employee who rescues Leia, Lando and Chewie.
They both have the same expressionless faces. Creepy, right?
I like the Cam Newton-Boba Fett comparison. They have similar color schemes when it comes to uniforms and if you're a Newton hater, you can make the argument that he was a "bounty hunter" in college. Definitely worked for money, amirite?
I know, I know. Nothing was proven about Cam's days at Auburn. Whatever, let's move on.
Sure, why not. I like the way "Teddy Skywalker" sounds.
Are you giving me side-eye? And if so, why? Upset that I thought A-A-ron would make a better Han than Luke?
Don't be. Han is a better part. He gets the girl at the end. All Luke gets is a lifetime of being a Jedi. And let's face it, the Jedi Council was kind of a lightsaber-fest, if you catch my drift.
Nope. No way. Rex Ryan is Admiral Motti.
You know who. He's the first person in the "Star Wars" movies to feel the wrath of the Vader force choke after popping off at the mouth.
Doesn't that sound exactly like Rex? How many times have we heard him flap his yap about how he's going to beat the Patriots, only to have Vader Tom Brady do this to him:
Makes perfect sense to me.
AND IN CONCLUSION
I could seriously go on all day with this topic, but I need to end it somewhere. And since this mailbag has a "Star Wars" theme, I'd like to call attention to this amazing tweet from the Baltimore Ravens:
Simply awesome. Alrighty folks, I think I've done enough damage for one week. See you next time!
And may the force be with you. Always.