It was the Fourth of July, and I was wading in my apartment’s community pool. A four-year-old with a Brock Lesnar-esque flat-top started squirting me with his water gun. Being a longtime advocate of “frolicking” myself, I lightly splashed the boy with some pool water in return.


Next thing I know, the little fungus had pistol-whipped me so hard that he’d broken the nozzle. Once noticing his broken toy, he started to cry. Even more surprisingly, he ran back to his all too sympathetic poolside mother to tell her about the mean man who’d broken his gun. Naturally she coddled him. What a pansy…. And what an enabler.

In my family, things would have been handled a little bit differently. First, my father would have looked me square in the face and told me “Well, I guess that was a pretty stupid thing for you to do then, huh?”

More importantly, I would have had a firm spanking awaiting me at home later in the evening, courtesy of the wooden spoon. My hide would have been so tanned that it would look like a pioneer trader's pelt.

Not only would I have never squirted a poolside stranger again, but I’d probably have avoided assaulting strangers with any item from my Fischer-Price arsenal altogether. Some might consider this abuse, others a valuable life lesson. You say tomato… I say get the belt.

See, it’s not only the physical act of “spanking” that progressive society sees as abuse, but the negative repercussions on the child’s “self-esteem.” What a crock. A four-year-old should have no self-esteem, and for good reason. What could he have possibly accomplished in his life to justify esteeming oneself so highly?

First stop, self esteem. Next stop, reality television. Snookie would be proud.

Instead of focusing on the little brat’s self-confidence, how about teaching him to esteem others first? That’s the only way that a child’s underdeveloped, candy-centric brain can truly develop any self-worth.

Unless taught otherwise, children are the most selfish, oblivious little Philistines on the planet. They have no family, no job, no responsibilities and nothing but time to think about their gluttonous, sticky selves. Weshould be teaching them to take some focus off of themselves and onto how they can best serve/treat others. That way, they’ll begin grow through valid accomplishments, and they’ll have an actual reason for  self-esteem. Say, there’s a concept that works!

At the end of the day, if you’re not spanking your child and instilling in them the ideas of selflessness, servitude and wisdom, you’re probably looking at a future P. Diddy in the making (maybe even a Keith Olbermann, take your pick).

Welcome to the age of entitlement… it all starts with being entitled to “self-esteem.” Is discipline (both mental and physical) in place of coddling, truly child abuse? I don’t know, but it sure as hell is effective. Also, it would be conducive to me not getting pistol-whipped with a Super Soaker. Isn’t that worth fighting for?

Steven Crowder is a writer/comedian and Fox News contributor.

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