Greg Gutfeld: Joe Biden has become a lame-duck president in record time

About that new and improved Taliban. How's that going so far? A new and improved Taliban. That's like a new and improved kidney stone. I don't see much room for an upgrade.

Still their spokesman held a news conference to say the insurgents would honor women's rights. Of course according to the delightful rules of sharia law. That's like Andrew Cuomo saying "I will from now on respect women’s rights, as long as they're hot and I can still grab their asses."

Meanwhile, Taliban fighters executed a woman for not wearing a burqa. So what's new and improved exactly? They didn't torture her first? Or kill her entire family? I guess that's progress. So yeah, thank God we're back on the world stage. Too bad our play opened and closed on the same night.

But at least the U.S. ambassador to the U.N. sent the barbaric thugs a "strongly worded letter."

Linda Thomas Greenfield, Tuesday: We have expressed in no uncertain terms, here at the U.N., through a very strongly worded press statement from the Security Council, that we expect the Taliban to respect human rights, including the rights of women and girls. We have also indicated that they have to be respectful of humanitarian law." 

How did Wolf keep a straight face? I’ve seen a game of tag taken more seriously. A "strongly worded letter." That's like a strongly worded game of Yahtzee. Yeah, if there's one thing we've learned about the Taliban: they really respect a stern note with a fancy typeface.

Meanwhile, on Twitter, both of their official spokesmen have unverified accounts – which seems unfair to them. Hell, even Kilmeade has a blue checkmark.

It's funny: The Taliban on Twitter. That's like Fred Flintstone operating an iPhone. It's like a Neanderthal playing "Call of Duty 2." It's like Joe Biden wearing pants.

A regime that champions a return to the dark ages, tweets about pressers, from their smartphones. I wonder who their service provider is, and does the goat porn cost extra?

I'd imagine the Taliban is a little miffed that you can retweet but you can't behead. And where's the emoji for "Death to America"? 

You think Twitter management cares Former President Trump is still banned from the platform, among other Republicans. But so far, the Taliban remains. Maybe Twitter's CEO Jack Dorsey just likes the cut of their beards. 

 Yet Twitter allows this disinformation to remain.

President Biden on Afghanistan, July 8: When I announced our drawdown in April, I said we would be out by September // Our military mission in Afghanistan will conclude on Aug. 31. The drawdown is proceeding in a secure and orderly way, prioritizing the safety of our troops as they depart.

Yeah, that didn’t happen.

When asked about this contradiction in treatment, Twitter said their top priority is keeping people safe. Unless it's Afghan women and people who think like Trump. If those words were anymore empty, they'd be Hunter Biden’s medicine cabinet.

And as for keeping us safe: you could've fooled me, Twitter! The last thing someone sees before Chrissy Teigen ruins their lives are their names trending on your vacuous vomit engine. If you still think that these social media titans have your best interests at heart, you probably think Ben and Jerry’s is in your heart's best interest too.

At least the Taliban doesn’t pretend to be neutral. 

Meanwhile, the media says White House officials are troubled on how to get everyone safely out of Afghanistan. Which makes sense. After the botched pullout, do you trust any of these bozos to pull anything off, besides Biden’s compression socks?

Meanwhile, Joe disappears for days at a time like he’s campaigning again. He hides under more lids than Oscar the Grouch. He spends more time in a bunker than Eva Braun. 

Fact is you can't expect a successful evacuation without a threat of destruction if you stop this. Have we made that clear? No. Because we're the bad guy.

Remember our military brass were too busy pondering critical race theory and diversity brochures than organizing an orderly exit. If the real problems are White racism, how can we tell the Taliban what to do?

We lost our moral authority to a group who has the term "oppressor" in their job description. If only these guys had Trump 2024 decals on their RPGs it would be so much easier.

And so Joe Biden became a lame-duck presidency in record time. My apologies to ducks everywhere. It's hard to be surprised. 

This guy’s gotten more things wrong than Brian Stelter watching "Jeopardy!" For the great unifier, he’s got an unbelievable talent of breaking things into pieces. He shouldn’t be running a country – he should be demolishing kitchens on "This Old House."

We watch our southern border dissolve while being told we must fix Central America’s problems. We see law enforcement in tatters as crime rages. We watch our energy policy implode as gas prices soar. To be fair, he has helped Russia and OPEC.

No wonder the media, the Dems and the academic institutions all worked together to get this guy elected. Boy, are they quiet now. 

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Thank God they all agreed to bury that Hunter Biden laptop. That story is still harder to find than a Don Lemon viewer.

And now, like an aging avocado that looked fine on the outside, this presidency turned out to be gray and rotten on the inside.

So what’s next? GOP Sen. John Kennedy sums it up.

Sen. John Kennedy, Tuesday: It was the biggest terrorist victory since 9/11. And jihadists who want to hurt this country and people all over the world are reinvigorated today.

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Try telling that to the White House. They'll still be saying, "It's *domestic* terrorism we need to worry about. It's the insurrection! Don't forget the insurrection."

Yeah, those were the days. When you could pretend your fellow Americans were evil. When in reality, it was your incompetence all along.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the August 18, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"