Before we get to the news, it’s time for: Greg’s Seven Jokes
President Biden has canceled trick-or-treating at the White House for Halloween. When asked why, Joe responded, "Children wearing costumes and going house-to-house for candy trivializes the very thing we are celebrating, the birth of Jesus."
California Governor Gavin Newsom has mandated COVID vaccines for all state employees, but less than two-thirds have complied. Can’t fault them in San Francisco. For some reason, there’s a shortage of needles.
Sportscaster Joe Buck claims he once peed in a bottle while calling an NFL touchdown. Big deal! I once peed in a bottle on "The Five" while doing an "Animals are Great" segment. Then told Kilmeade it was Gatorade.
A Minnesota surgeon was fired for telling a school board to let parents make decisions about masking kids. Which makes sense. I mean, what does a surgeon know about masks?
Some New York schools are banning any Halloween costumes based on the Netflix show "Squid Game", which depicts mass murder. In a related story, stores are pulling all their witch costumes because the hosts on "The View" consider it cultural appropriation.
A hiker, lost for 24 hours, ignored calls from rescuers because they came from an unknown number. Even worse, he was in a Bed, Bath and Beyond.
And that was my seven jokes!
So America, get ready for more crime! I'm so excited! We should all stand up and do the wave. Except this is a crime wave. So when we sit back down, our wallets will be gone.
So last night I went to dinner, and you know what I didn't get? Murdered. Quite a feat when you consider I had the jalapeno poppers at the Times Square Applebee’s. So, I’m not dead. But for how long?
Last night we told you about Biden’s 42-page plan to promote gender equity – that’s one page for every gender. Inside the plan is a proposal to eliminate cash bail for suspects. And not just the ones with the initials "H.B."
Now, this happens as freed, repeat offenders have been killing and injuring people, thanks to this new policy. It’s turning repeat offenders into repeat-repeat-repeat offenders. It's like binge-watching "Will and Grace."
We've heard the examples – in Virginia, a man beats up his spouse, gets released on no cash bail, then kills her. The many attacks on women, some resulting in death, all done by thugs who'd been arrested, then released. Somehow that effect on women wasn’t in the 42-page plan on gender equity.
The radical DAs behind this don’t seem to mind. Maybe cuz it’s working out the way they want it to. Nothing shall slow the revolution. Including murder. You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. And instead of eggshells, it’s gun shells And the media's there to help.
Every time we mention the homicide rates, what do you hear? That other violent crime has gone down! Take the LA Times, reporting that California had a 31 percent jump in homicides. But they point out that the state's faring better on other violent crime! Whew. It’s good to know that when someone attacks you, they’re gunna finish the job.
Meanwhile, San Francisco families are hiring private security to keep them safe. I'm curious – how wealthy are these families since they can afford this? And more importantly – did they vote Democrat? Cuz clearly they can afford that too.
If you're living in SF, and instead of moving, you just hire private guards, you must be doing alright. And you're doing so well, you can avoid the hell that harms others. That’s the kind of privatization wealthy liberals love. Vote to defund the police for you, then hire private police to protect themselves.
Maybe it’s time to introduce bills that ban private security by Democrats. I mean, if they can throw no cash bail at us, can't we throw that right back at them? If you support no-cash bail, why should you live in safety if the rest of us can't?
It’s a direct result of your stupid, destructive decisions – Like slashing police budgets or putting pop rocks in Kat’s vape pen. But you see the pattern. Dems get into power to exempt themselves from the laws they force on others.
As long as they’re in power, they can dance mask-less in public and eat in a fancy restaurant while you’re under house arrest. S***, some can even marry their brother!! That must’ve been a cozy wedding. When they asked guests if they were relatives of the bride or groom, they all said "yes"! Talk about dysfunctional.
As Minneapolis gets worse, mentally Ill-han calls the cops dysfunctional. But Omar calling anyone dysfunctional is like me calling anyone drop-dead gorgeous. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Or in this case the wife calling the brother, "husband."
But these libs are all safe and secure. Meanwhile, a grandmother must take two extra buses to find a Walgreens since they all closed in her neighborhood due to the retail theft sanctioned by liberal leaders. Now, we wish the Democrat Party might rediscover common sense. But they won't: they won.
Now they see their experiment in action. Burnt out cities. Record homicide rates. Looting as recreational behavior. Rapes in schools, covered up by flacks. Not exactly a brochure for sandals resorts
And those pushing it, demand more. You could say they're a glutton for punishment. Except they're not getting punished. You are.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the October 27, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"