Ozzy Osbourne, advice columnist?
Based on Ozzy’s hilarious columns in The Sunday Times and Rolling Stone comes, ‘Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy,’ a compendium of his most brilliant advice.
The Prince of Darkness answers questions about health, family and personal relationships with his trademark English wit. If you’re wondering what makes Ozzy qualified to dispense advice, let’s face it who else do you know who has been declared clinically dead twice, chomped the head off a bat and ingested every drug known to mankind?
FOX411: So are you Ozzy Osbourne M.D. now?
Ozzy: If you look at the book there’s a disclaimer where I’m not a medical doctor. What happened was the Sunday Times in England read my book how I’d taken all these drugs and sh*t and I’m a hypochondriac and always at the doctor. People have said to me, ‘What’s good for this?’ and I’ve taken a lot of medication for medical reasons and I’m kind of a working class kind of guy. I don’t write prescriptions. Funnily enough when I started doing the column I found it’s basically common sense. What I say to a lot of these people is if you can write into a newspaper why are you so embarrassed to see your own G.P ‘cause he’s seen more f**king things then I’ll ever want to see.
FOX411: Most of it is common sense isn’t it?
Ozzy: Yeah, if you’ve got a headache for a few days and an aspirin ain’t working, go to your doctor! Then the column also went to Rolling Stone and the questions started to be sexual f**king questions. If you don’t know what sex is before you’re 21 you’re going to have a problem and should go to your psychiatrist.
One of the questions I remember there was a girl having cosmetic surgery and she didn’t want the rest of the people at work to realize she’d had cosmetic surgery. I said, ‘Well don’t have the cosmetic surgery if you don’t want people to see what you’re going to look like.’
FOX411: If people ask you about drugs what do you tell them?
Ozzy: If they want to do it, it’s their business but all I tell them really is when I was doing all that sh*t, nothing good came of it. When I was doing drugs and alcohol, I thought I’ll have a drink and a line of this and I’ll smoke this. I didn’t go, ‘Then I’m going to go out and get drunk, come back strangle my wife and wake up in jail on charges of attempted murder,’ but that’s what happened. I’m not telling people what to do. If they can enjoy doing it and they get on with it and they can handle it fine, but don’t involve me. I’m lucky to be alive; you’re playing with Russian roulette.
FOX411: Do you miss having a pint?
Ozzy: I do miss the social aspect of sitting in a pub with a pint but you know what when I get down to it I never went for a pint. I went to a pub to get f**ked up. If it was just going for a pint that would be ok but once I start I just can’t stop.
FOX411: Does it upset you?
Ozzy: Sometimes. I have this romantic notion that when I retire, I’ll be outside an English pub with a pint and ploughman’s lunch. That’s what my problem (is) but I’ll guarantee you something bad will happen eventually. I could get away with it for a while but eventually it will all go bad again.
FOX411: You’re like the Energizer bunny, you just keep going.
Ozzy: I don’t mind doing the column, it’s a bit of fun but anyone who reads it, please don’t think you’re going to get the cure for the next f**king plague from me because I ain’t that kind of doc.
FOX411: Ever think about retiring?
Ozzy: You know what, I retired once but you’ve got to have something to retire to and I don’t want to do anything. My job is like a well paid hobby, I mean not a hobby but I’m not lining up every morning at the bus queue to go to work. I’m very lucky. You know when people say it’s tough at the top, it’s tough at the top but it’s even f**king tougher at the bottom.
FOX411: How many years have you and Sharon been married?
Ozzy: 30 but it hasn’t been (in a soft voice), ‘and we’ve never had a foul word between us.’ Sometimes we’ve had some f**king pitched battles and sirens going off.
FOX411: When was your last big blue?
Ozzy: You know what? Not for a while. You learn to sort of sidestep when you’re heading towards one. ‘Darling, I was just out and I bough you this ring.’ She’s Mrs. T.V. now. She does a lot of T.V. She loves it. I’m not. Not after the f**king 'Osbournes.' I mean to survive that alone; there should be a f**king column on that. How to survive reality T.V. We had cameras all over the f**king house 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You feel like a laboratory rat at the end of it. At first it was wonderful, ‘Oh look there’s me scratching my arse on television.’
FOX411: Is Sharon the boss at home?
Ozzy: What do you think? P**sy whipped ain’t the word here. De-bowelled is the word.