Alan Thicke's widow Tanya Callau says she 'didn't want to live' after actor's death

It’s been nearly a year since “Growing Pains” star Alan Thicke passed away in December 2016 at age 69 – and his widow admitted Thursday she’s still coping with the sudden loss.

“I’m ashamed to admit it, but at one point I didn’t want to live – I really didn’t,” Tanya Callau tearfully told Access Hollywood. “If I didn’t have my family and my friends to listen to me and to hold my hand and to give me the love, the nurturing that I needed, I wouldn’t be standing here in front of you right now.”

The 41-year-old actress and model also revealed that fateful day was like any other before Thicke had a heart attack while playing hockey with his 19-year-old son Carter.

“We spoke that morning,” Callau explained. “He woke up that morning and kissed my leg. He used to kiss whatever body part was sticking out of the sheets.

"I got a phone call from him in the hockey rink – he’s there dressing up, getting ready to play hockey – and he’s like, ‘Honey, I’ll be home between six and seven. How about some chicken tonight with extra gravy and lots of TV and a little sex?’ I was like, ‘Deal! I’ll see you at six’.”

Callau never spoke to her husband again.

“I started preparing to go to the market and then I get the phone call that something’s wrong with Alan, that I had to drive down to LA,” she recalled. 

There was a spiritual worker there – a spiritual guidance person with a Bible.

"When I saw her standing there, my heart sank and I remember dropping my water bottle and my heart sank to my stomach. The doctors, they were explaining what happened to him and I’m listening and he said, ‘I’m sorry to tell you Mrs. Thicke, but your husband has expired.’ And I was like, ‘What?!’”

Thicke’s death was a devastating shock to the family. Not only was he active for his age and frequently played hockey when not on set, but there were reportedly no warning signs of a health issue.

Thicke is survived by three sons.