Would you pull over and stop for a robot cop?

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Shot," May 12, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


JAMES COMEY, FORMER FBI DIRECTOR: Not that I know of. I don't know of anything like that. I don't know. I don't know, that's a harder question. I don't know exactly what he means by that. I don't know the answer to that. I don't know. I don't know, in hindsight, whether that was the right call or not. I don't know whether it's true or not. It's a crazy thing to have to say. I don't know whether I would say it's a mistake. I don't know. I don't know what the right answer is. I don't. I can speculate, but I don't know.


GREG GUTFELD, HOST: You know, I don't think he knows anything.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, Stormy Daniels is now doing comedy, which is a step up from doing porn. Unless you're Seth Meyers. Anyone who sits through his act always feel screwed. Here's part of it.


SETH MEYERS, TALK SHOW HOST: I want to ask about Ilhan Omar. You keep bringing up the two tweets that she has apologized for and I think that's a little unfair to her, especially because we've established --

MEGHAN MCCAIN, COHOST, THE VIEW: Are you her publicist?


MCCAIN: Are you her press person?

MEYERS: No, I'm just someone who cares about the fact that there's someone out there who is in a minority, who has had death threats against her and I think that we should all use the same language that you're asking her to be careful about her language, and I would ask everybody else to be careful about theirs.


GUTFELD: That's a comedian. Stormy, Stormy, if that's your competition, you've got nothing to worry about. Comedians, it's the only thing Trump didn't make great again. Instead, they're now shrill little hall monitors with tiny wrists.

Stormy though, now since Trump wasn't as bad as her ex-lawyer, Michael Avenatti. Now, when you regret hiring your lawyer more than doing porn, that's a bad lawyer.


GUTFELD: One who faces centuries in jail. So now Storm is doing stand up to earn a paycheck. But at least she's standing up to earn a paycheck.


GUTFELD: Thank you. In other news. "The New York Times" had a big scoop. Trump lost a bundle in the 90s. I know, it's amazing. Also, that movie "Home Alone" looks like a hit. And how about that Vanilla Ice guy? Mark my words that fella is going places. But I guess when you can't find any news to match your delusions, you'll make anything else news, including what Trump actually talked about 15 years ago.


DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: About 13 years ago, I was seriously in trouble. I was billions of dollars in debt. But I fought back and I won big league.


GUTFELD: Good job, "Times," you really dropped the bombshell -- a bombshell revealed to millions of people on national TV over a decade and a half ago. What other bombshells will "The Times" glean from reality TV? That Kim Kardashian once wore leggings? That one of the real housewives threw a glass of Merlot at another real housewife? That someone on "Survivor" ate a bug?

So is it journalism when someone gives you someone else's tax returns? It's odd. No one in the media minds how "The Times" got them. But under Trump, real news is skipped for the old news. Because when the real news is good, the media has got to find conflict in the past to make their present bearable.

If only there were a drug.


TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST: So Trump lost a bunch of money in the 80s. How is that news? I mean, I'm so tired of "The New York Times" packaging old news like it is new. What are you going to tell me next? Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait? The Berlin Wall came down? How about Milli Vanilli was actually lip synching? The media thinks we're idiots.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You should talk to your doctor, you may be suffering from common sense.

SHILLUE: What's that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Common sense is when you recognize old news for what it is and see right through the media's attempt to repackage old garbage to push their own biased narrative. Take a look at this. What do you see?

SHILLUE: I think this is from 1990. Isn't there a way to make this new and fresh again?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There is. Thanks to Throwitbax.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Throwitbax trick your brain into thinking decades old Monday news items are a modern day scandal by erasing all of your long term memory. So you'll be blown away even by the most stale reporting.

SHILLUE: How does it do that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I already told you by erasing all of your long term memory.

SHILLUE: Wait a minute, I already took it. Who are you anyway?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm the announcer. We've been doing the same thing for three years.

SHILLUE: Really?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, we do an ad about a drug for almost every monologue. Geez. This stuff really works.

SHILLUE: Wow. This is on believable. Did you know Trump has been married three times? Also it says here he loves to golf. He is never going to be elected.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He was elected in 2016.

SHILLUE: I must have missed that. And look at this, it says the whole city is getting indoor plumbing. Now, where's all the water going to come from? And how about this? Women expected to get the right to vote? I don't like that at all.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You're an idiot. I'm leaving you.

SHILLUE: Who are you?


SHILLUE: Someone married me. That's awesome. Thanks, product whose name I forget.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So get Throwitbax today, making everything old brand new again.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: The point is, the media drenched in its own failure has to reanimate old fears. Remember that story from months ago about Trump never leaving office? Well, it's back.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He doesn't have any intention of committing to a peaceful transition of power. How would you get a President to leave if he just said, "I ain't leaving?"


GUTFELD: Wait, wasn't it Joy who wouldn't leave following some bad stuff revealed about her past? If only the media could find two words they could repeat over and over again.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Folks, a constitutional crisis.

ERIN BURNETT, CNN ANCHOR: A constitutional crisis.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: Do you agree with Congressman Nadler - Chairman Nadler that we're in a constitutional crisis?


DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: Ever wonder what a constitutional crisis looks like? Well, open your eyes.


GUTFELD: Yes, it looks like Don Lemon. Anyway. So what is the crisis really? That they're out of ideas, that they all share the same script, that they're all sheep without the benefits of supplying plush wool sweaters? You think it bothers Trump? Nah, he's got bigger concerns.


TRUMP: I have to tell you that runway is like an ice skating rink. And the first step I said, you know, this sucker is slippery. I think it was put in by the Democrats.



GUTFELD: Who knows?


GUTFELD: He gets the biggest clap. I don't even have to write this stuff. It does feel like a trap.


TRUMP: I don't know whoever the hell got that thing? That's not -- that's a trap. I'm telling you. It's like -- it's like ridiculous.


GUTFELD: Can you imagine if he went down?


TRUMP: Can you imagine if I went down? The press would have a field day for weeks and weeks.


GUTFELD: You know, it's like he's floating around on a piece of ice.


TRUMP: As I stand here floating around on a piece of ice, this is crazy. I'm a little bit concerned about leaving the podium. I'm holding. You have no idea what I'm going through this stage. This is the worst damn stage I've ever seen.


TRUMP: I've never seen anything --


GUTFELD: I wonder who did this one.


TRUMP: Stupid people did this one.


TRUMP: No, no. Or brilliant. Or brilliant. They may be the enemy.


GUTFELD: So what kind of President talks about the slippery stage? That guy? The complete opposite of a politician. There's no phony cadence, no regurgitated platitudes. Just his thoughts on slippery floors.

So now the media and the Democrats accuse Trump of the very worst. So what's the next stop on this crazy train? Let's review.

First stop was Trump is unstable; the second stop, he is insane. The third stop, he is a Russian spy who stole the election. The fourth stop, he won't leave office. The fifth stop, he created a constitutional crisis. So what's next? Could Trump be an ISIS?


GUTFELD: And Maroon 5.


GUTFELD: If the media wants you to think there's an unstable tyrant, barricading himself in the Oval Office, then who is trying to create the crisis really? And to what end? What do they want to happen? It's sad they're still trying to undo 2016 instead of trying to win 2020? It's the losers' response to losing.

Winners admit they're wrong and they change, but not here. Instead, they just dig a deeper grave as they reelect the person who keeps handing them the shovels.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. She has got a fixation on litigation, attorney and Fox News contributor, Emily Compagno.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: He is like a sloppy, less handsome Jonas brother, writer and comedian, Kris Fried. Fried.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Kris Fried. Damn it. She is the scamp who likes the vamp. Host of the "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Katherine Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And he flosses with the transatlantic cable, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Okay, Emily, thoughts? Constitutional crisis?

EMILY COMPAGNO, CONTRIBUTOR: Absolutely not. I feel like everyone -- all of these Federal elected officials are totally obsessed with just taking down Trump. So they're not legislating they're not doing their job. They're not doing anything that we pay them to do. And while they keep wasting time doing that, like you said, 2020 is coming closer and closer, they will have nothing to show for it.

And now they're literally talking about codifying, putting into Federal law, essentially things that will help get Trump afterwards because they're never going to let it go. And while they are mired in that, our state legislators have been busy also writing bills to make sure that they can get Trump afterward, and all it's doing is going to affect us, as private citizens.

GUTFELD: So is codifying like when you take a fish --

COMPAGNO: You know what it means.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NATION HOST: It's like extra hugs for a baby? Coddling.

GUTFELD: Oh, I'm confused, Kris.

MURDOCH: It's not a codfish, you ugly codfish. Peter Pan.

GUTFELD: That was cruel.

CHRIS FRIED, COMEDIAN: I know that word as well as you know, my last name.


GUTFELD: Fried. Now everybody knows it.

FRIED: He is his best friend that totally knows who he is. Kris Fried.

GUTFELD: Thoughts? Anything interesting about the show in general? Or you just want to talk about your name?

FRIED: I like to talk about me some more. What I find interesting is that the media still uses the word shocking when it's a Stormy Daniels story. And I don't like it. Number one, because most things like if you get a pop up, Stormy Daniels with a shocked face, chances are what she's looking at gives you a virus of some kind so you can't click on it.

I don't like that. Number one. Number two, it is just not shocking. Like it wasn't shocking that Trump slept with her either. The whole thing was never shocking. It's stupid.

GUTFELD: No, a billionaire in New York City who has had lots of flings sleeping with a porn star. I think that's required. I don't know, Kat? Not a question really, but just to --

KATHERINE TIMPF, CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I don't really know where you want me to go with that, Greg.

GUTFELD: Are you happy she's doing standup?

TIMPF: I feel like it's fine.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's good.

TIMPF: You know, I feel like --

GUTFELD: You go, girl. I liked it. I coined that phrase.

TIMPF: Yes, I feel like it's fine. I feel like it's better than doing porn to do standup. It's a little more difficult. So best of luck. There is nothing worse than being on stage and trying to tell jokes and having nobody laugh. It's really, really quite sad. But, you know, I wish her the best. I wish her the best. I really, really do. And it's funny that her lawyer, Avenatti, obviously, he is worse than Trump. What are they even talking about? He stole money from people who were paraplegic.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

TIMPF: Trump lost $2 billion. I lost my cat in my apartment once. Sometimes you lose stuff. But all that matters is that you come out on top.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: I found the cat. He has a career, as is well that ends well. Over and out.

GUTFELD: Over and out. Tyrus, last word to you.

MURDOCH: I keep having this thought in my head I want to say about Stormy doing standup, but I know I'm going to get in trouble.

GUTFELD: Yes. Believe me, I edited that monologue three times.

MURDOCH: You know when the adult films is not working, they have a particular person with the job title who comes in and makes it work. Comedy is tough. It's tough. And maybe the audience, maybe you can help me. The word "constitutional crisis." They say it a lot. But no one asked, how so? Like, Don Lemon, if I was a guest on his show, which I wouldn't be, but if I was I'd be like, "What does it mean?"


MURDOCH: Well, open your eyes. Okay, they're open. What is it? It's there in plain sight. I don't know what it is.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: Is the constitution stressed out? Like what is? What is the crisis? They use the term with no definition.

GUTFELD: I have a constitutional crisis every day.

MURDOCH: No, I don't want to talk it. That's what I am saying, man. No.


GUTFELD: If you get older, it's just a reality.

MURDOCH: No one has explained it.

GUTFELD: Yes. No one --

MURDOCH: Constitutional crisis. How so?

GUTFELD: Mine is whenever I have cheese.

MURDOCH: I am not biting on that.

GUTFELD: I am lactose intolerant. What?

TIMPF: Our founding fathers would be ashamed at your language, Mr. Gutfeld.

MURDOCH: Yes, because they don't know what constitutional crisis is either. Their constitutional crisis was England showing up saying we're taking it back. That's a constitutional crisis.

GUTFELD: It's so true.

MURDOCH: So yes, I'd love to -- please, Don Lemon, if you get a second and no one is watching, so if you get a second.


GUTFELD: All right.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: We've got a lot more to come. Trump gives his opinion and all the candidates. We listen and comment that's how it works.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: He is bringing the funny to 2020. Yes, it's barely May and Trump is already in full campaign mode. That means picking off challengers one by one.


TRUMP: We've got some real beauties. Crazy Bernie. We have a choice between Sleepy Joe and Crazy Bernie. And I'll take any of them. Let's just pick somebody please, and let's start this thing.


GUTFELD: He is right. Let's start this thing. I agree. Why even pretend they all have a chance. Remember when Beto was supposed to be next in line? I mean Beto, Beto, boy has he fallen like a rock?


TRUMP: Beto, Beto. Boy, has he fallen like a rock. What the hell happened to Beto?


GUTFELD: Oh, sorry. Yes, Beto was here a second ago. I guess when the media gets bored with you, you're gone. And what of Mayor Pete? His last name is fun to say.


TRUMP: We have a man, Buttigieg, Buttigieg. They say edge, edge. He has got a great chance. He'll be great. He will be great representing us against President Xi of China. That'll be great. That'll be great. I want to be in that room. I want to watch that one.


GUTFELD: This is going to be fun. But Trump is right, they should just start this thing because only a handful of the 21 hopefuls have sustained any attention.

According to a study from Politico, from January to April 30, the media focused on just four Dems, Sanders Biden, Harris and Warren, who took up more than half the field's coverage. In other words, fringe candidate Seth Kansas has no chance. Right, Seth?


GUTFELD: That worked out well. Kris, I do believe that this could be the greatest election ever because Trump is going to be there doing commentary.

FRIED: This is the Endgame to the first Infinity War. They're getting ready to battle that, you know, Trump Thanos thing.

What I find fun is that the whole thing -- it doesn't matter really, because the entertainment is coming from Trump. So he's just going to treat it as a reality show where every week you know, next year there's going to be a new one eliminated. And it's just him as the only judge. And everyone --


FRIED: They are just, you know, the whole thing is just going to be and let's go to Twitter to see what Trump says is why they lost, you know. It's going to be great.

GUTFELD: This is truly "The Apprentice." I was thinking, Tyrus of like, that they're like the NPCs in a political video game and he is playing the video game.

MURDOCH: Yes, I mean, here's the thing. Whoever wins is trashed. Like, it's literally "The Biggest Loser," but we'll keep it a reality TV show. They're going to go through hell with him on the sidelines making fun of them, heckling the entire time. I wouldn't be surprised if he showed up and got a higher podium at one of their debates.


MURDOCH: And he'll go, "You're blowing it, Biden." You know --

GUTFELD: That's a good question.

MURDOCH: They can't stop him.

GUTFELD: Like let's say he wants to be like those little guys in the Muppets, the old guys.

MURDOCH: The two judges? Yes.

FRIED: Statler and Waldorf.

GUTFELD: You know what? That was a test to see if Kris knew because that's sad. But anyway, could the President demand to be there?

MURDOCH: If he is, I will be the other guy. One hundred percent, we'll sit there and eat popcorn and go, "ha-ha-ha" the whole time. It will be great.

But what I'm saying is, like he is going to do his comedy bit the entire time to literally make a joke out whoever comes out and when they come out, going back to the horse you had on, it will be a horse that has been in a stable so long. Even when you open the doors, David Attenborough, even with freedom they won't come out, which is just --


MURDOCH: It's that bad.


GUTFELD: Kat, what can the Dems do? Is there anything that they can do? Kat, can they find their Trump?

TIMPF: They can't. I don't know why anyone would ever want to run against President Trump. I cannot even read my Instagram comments without feeling bad about myself. Like, I just don't think I have the self-esteem for it. And I don't know how anyone does because he is so good at insulting people, to the point where it just shuts them down.

Like for example, Elizabeth Warren could spend so much time and effort. She's a policy wonk, talking about this plan, and she explained it really well. And it could sound great, and then Trump just has to go, "Whatever, Pocahontas," and he wins.



(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: There's nothing you can say to that.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That's true. I bet he has a nickname for everybody, Emily.

COMPAGNO: Oh, I'm sure. Probably all of us, too. I feel like exactly what you were saying where it's probably like Best in Show turns into "Hunger Games." Because whoever wins that primary, I mean, have fun in gladiator arena.

GUTFELD: Yes. But you know what, that -- we haven't seen the person yet. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that the Dems to beat Trump have to have their own Trump and it's not them. It's not -- even the strong candidates like Kamala, I don't think she can go up against it. It has to be somebody who steps outside the political duopoly

The Republicans versus the Democrats. That's what Trump did. He stepped out of that and that's why they couldn't figure him out.

COMPAGNO: Well, his gravity is so strong, I feel like that that person would have to not -- would have to be outside of his orbit and not have everything and that's just a response to what he does.

GUTFELD: Yes, he's like a giant planet and they're like little satellites.


MURDOCH: The person would have to not be a politician.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: Because politicians --



GUTFELD: Well, remember we said Oprah two years ago then Bill Maher said it, but we said it two years ago.

MURDOCH: The politicians are going to try to be a politician. He is going to make fun of them and they're going to be like, "Well, I mean, if I go back to policy," and Americans are going to be like, "Are you kidding me?"

GUTFELD: Yes, I want to hear more about the slippery floors.

MURDOCH: This guy is talking policy and it's a roast, like --

GUTFELD: All right, we've got more and more and more and more and more. Coming up, a grown man picks on old ladies and children and surprise, it backfires.

(Cheering and Applause)


AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. Three people are dead after a gas station explosion in Virginia. Four others were injured in that blast in Rockbridge County. Investigators say this has been treated as a criminal matter, but they also say it doesn't look like it is suspicious.

Disturbing new developments tonight in the search for a missing four-year- old girl in Houston. Police say they found bloody evidence in the home of her mother's ex-fiance linked to Maleah Davis. Her stepfather claims she was kidnapped by three men. Darion Vence says that they ambushed him and knocked him unconscious, and when he woke up Maleah was missing, but her two-year-old brother was still there. Today Vence was charged with tampering with evidence. Maleah has several health issues. She's had multiple brain surgeries.

I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.” For all your headlines, log on to foxnews.com.

GUTFELD: Could he be out of work for being a jerk? Democratic Pennsylvania State Representative -- aren't they all -- Brian Sims took a video of himself berating a pro-life woman outside a Planned Parenthood in Philly. Watching cringe, watching cringers.


REP. BRIAN SIMS, D-PENN.: I'm once again out in front of Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pennsylvania. Today's protester, now she is an old white lady who is going to try to avoid showing you her face. An old white lady telling people what's right to do with their bodies. Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Everyone, this is what they deserve. This is what they need.


GUTFELD: He seems like a total catch. By the way that went on for eight minutes. And it's not his first offense. Just weeks ago, he approached a woman and three young girls outside the same place. It offered to reward anyone who would docs or identify them.


SIMS: What we've got here is a bunch of protesters -- a bunch of pseudo Kristian protesters who've been out here shaming young girls for being here. So here's the deal. I've got $100.00 for anybody who will identify any of these three.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So we're actually here just praying for the babies and we believe that women deserves more.

SIMS: I'm going to donate to Planned Parenthood. So look, a bunch of white people standing up in front of a Planned Parenthood.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Women deserve more.

SIMS: Shaming people. There's nothing Kristian about what you're doing.


GUTFELD: Some of them weren't white by the way. Following those videos, the state's GOP Chair called for an investigation to whether Sims violated any harassment laws. Meanwhile, Sims vowed to do better.


SIMS: As an activist and an advocate, I know why pushing back against harassment and discrimination are a must, even when they're uncomfortable.

But last week, I wasn't a patient escort. I was a neighbor and a concerned citizen and I was aggressive. I know that two wrongs don't make a right and I can do better and I will do better for the women of Pennsylvania.


GUTFELD: Bleh. Look, bottom line being a jerk is never a good way to disperse a crowd. You've got to think outside the box. You know what I do? I use a cucumber for my cats, Bartles and Jaymes.


GUTFELD: All right pee, Bartles. Tyrus, I always wonder, do you think that if you were out there, if you were actually one of the protesters, do you see him doing that to you? I mean, it's women, a little old lady.

MURDOCH: I am pretty sure when it was over, he'd been praying with me.


(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: He would have been handing out pamphlets, because these pamphlets are too small, the letters need to be bigger. I know, bro. If you're going to do something -- first of all, I wouldn't really call that a protest. It was a small group of people. They were praying. Obviously, that's their right, but if you're going to do that, get a camera crew or try take two or three. Huh, so I'm here at this thing and we're going to go to this people.

Like $100.00 for somebody's name. A $100.00? That's your budget. Like that was I couldn't even get to whatever his message was because of the heavy breathing, too close to your face. Like get a director and a cameraman.

GUTFELD: You have a production criticism.

MURDOCH: I have because it was so bad. And it might not have looked as bad as it looked when he was like, this little old woman is literally quietly praying, while he stands with his phone running around her. Get a camera crew, at least -- and have a script.

GUTFELD: Yes, Emily, I don't trust anybody that walks around going "Shame on you. Shame on you." They're never -- they're always really weird, crazy people.

COMPAGNO: Totally, I mean that -- it's just -- and even hearing his apology after, I felt like he just looked up all the cool woke words to use. And then said it all.

GUTFELD: He did.

COMPAGNO: And what's so disturbing to me too, is you know, these people feel religiously and ideologically very convicted about this. So when he is like, "I'm going to go film this and put them on blast." Like aren't there a lot of other actual injustices out there that you can be recording that might help law enforcement or might help communities in need. And instead he's trying to shame people for feeling convicted about something and life at it. Like there's an -- it makes no sense to me.

GUTFELD: You know what it was, Kat, because it was about him.

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: He thought that this was going to make him -- like he's just -- he's not a real congressman. He's a state congressman. So he was trying to enlarge his media spotlight. He knew what he was doing. He practiced - - you know, he practices in the mirror, right? He's just going oh, this is going to be great. I'm going to be the love of Media Matters.

MURDOCH: That's why you need a director.


TIMPF: Yes. I don't know a lot about being a politician. But the way I've understood it, is that it's important for you to be likable. And I've always thought that when you're trying to be likable, berating teenage girls for praying is on the list of things not to do. Like what's he going to do next? Like go to a soup kitchen and call the volunteers jerks?


TIMPF: Like, go to an orphanage and call all the kids fat. I mean, is that what he is going to do next? It's ridiculous. He thought that he was just going to be popular and likeable by doing this. But he just came off looking like a total jerk.

GUTFELD: Yes, I would. I agree.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I would not suggest fat shaming orphans anywhere.


GUTFELD: I think it's bad, Kris.


GUTFELD: I think it's bad.

TIMPF: Body positivity for orphans and everyone else.

GUTFELD: Yes. Last word, Kris. What did you make of his --

FRIED: It took me a while to get into it because at first I thought it was Dustin Diamond "Screech" from "Saved by the Bell" like, he got like a counselor jobs because he tries to be like that cool hip with the student. You know, he is like, "Oh, I'm a politician, but I have this modern beard. Look at me." I don't know.

The whole thing -- and then, so he put out like an apology.

GUTFELD: Well, you're kind of bitter about the beard.

FRIED: I am. I am.

GUTFELD: Well, you can do a better job. Just let it grow out a little bit more.

FRIED: Okay.

GUTFELD: I mean, you know, right now, it doesn't look that great. That's okay.

FRIED: I know. I know.


GUTFELD: It's all right. Anyway. I like how they just showed you beard just now. He's got a great beard. No more beard shaming. Oh, you're going to love this next segment. I'm so excited. Are robot cops the future of Highway Patrol? I hope not. It takes out all the fun of being frisked.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: Would you pull over and stop for a robot cop? SRI International -- whoever they are -- has developed a police robot prototype to prevent dangerous interactions during traffic stops which is great. First, a robo- arm extends from the cop car to the car in front of it and spits out a spike strip behind the rear tires.

It's great. While this happened, it comes with really neat music. Anyway, it's maybe a little slow, but it's just a prototype. Then an officer talks to the driver via a webcam without ever leaving the car.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Good afternoon, ma'am. Do you know why I pulled you over?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You were speeding in a school zone. Can I please see your license and registration?


GUTFELD: Oh, man, if I have one of these, I'd definitely pull over Doocey and Kilmeade on the way to work. Because they carpool together on a Vespa.

At this point, the thing will scan a license and spit out a ticket.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Please hold that up to the small blinking scanner. I'm going to start withdrawing the arm. Please do not drive away until I give you an explicit okay to do so.

All right, Ms. Brewer, you have a good afternoon.



GUTFELD: That's nice. That's very nice. It's like a modern day Colombo. But who am I to talk? Here's the last thing I invented.


GUTFELD: It's got two uses. What? It chews gum and chews other gum.

MURDOCH: Sorry, kids.

GUTFELD: Kat, people who are mocking this, this is my theory. Fiction has tricked people into thinking that robots look like you know robots from movies. But robots are basically like washers and dryers in the sense that they freed individuals from mundane activities. And in this case, this would free the police from getting shot at.

TIMPF: Right. And I am anti-people getting shot at.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

MURDOCH: I'll back you up on that.

GUTFELD: No applause.

TIMPF: No applause for that.

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: I thought that that was a shoo-in. No, I mean, I do like though, that you still are communicating with an actual officer. Because if it was just a robot, you would have no help -- no hope of ever manipulating your way out of a ticket again, which would be good for other people, but bad for me, which is how I view everything.

GUTFELD: Right. Exactly. Yes. Whenever I get pulled over I always unbutton to the top button, Kris, and it usually works.

MURDOCH: How does it work? They just see the top of your head.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I pro-robot, Kris, how about you?

FRIED: I like robot. Well, here's the thing, I'm disappointed with most things they call robots now. So you get excited because it's like -- you think it's this big breakthrough, and then it's a bit of a wizard behind the curtain kind of moment.

GUTFELD: But that's our fault.

FRIED: It is our fault. But you know --

GUTFELD: And your fault.

FRIED: We buy it, but then you know, it ends up being this you know, just lazier cup really that is creeping on this lady with a webcam. And you know, he got like a batting cage hat and put it on his son's iPad. Send it out there. I don't know, it's weird. My only question --

GUTFELD: I don't think you could do better. But go with your question.

FRIED: I could not. My only -- my only question was that they said that the next one is going to have like it smells alcohol and stuff. Which is now weird, because the question is, where do you blow and will it look funny?


MURDOCH: You know, anything that reduce the risk of a confrontation, I'm for it.


MURDOCH: I've seen these similar things, and maybe some of you have when you go to rent a car. They now have the automated thing where you call the person. Those are always empty because no one likes using them. And then of course in the airports now you have the little you could talk to the computer instead of talking to the actual attendant. So I guess this is just the evolution of where we're going.

I think for traffic stops, it is probably a good idea. My only concern would be if the robot jams. You're going to be there for a minute. You know, or hold on, I've got to load the paper. Just give me a second.


MURDOCH: And you're like, I'm late for work.

GUTFELD: We've got to call IT. IT comes out.

MURDOCH: IT comes out. You can't leave because there's spikes underneath the tire. So I'm always that guy.

GUTFELD: There's got to be an IT guy in the backseat of the cop car. He comes out.

MURDOCH: Oh, wow, it's issuing you a warrant. No, I don't -- it's just -- there's seven tickets. Hold on. Hold on. Just give us a second.

GUTFELD: You need the human touch. That's why they travel in packs. I mean in pairs, Emily.

MURDOCH: But it's a good thing.

GUTFELD: They come out in packs. That would be strange, a live cop and a robot cop that way they can work together. And that allows for more pairs like you could double the police force.



COMPAGNO: There's definitely going to be a million lawsuits.

GUTFELD: Really?

COMPAGNO: Yes, about this and also for each individual ticket and it reminded me when I saw that of just like, you know, how if you see a Prias with an arm, you're probably not you know, you're less like, oh, gosh, I have to pull over and it reminded me of this time in Nevada when a cop had pulled over someone else on the other side of the road. And so I was like, "ha-ha, of course he won't pull over me," like he's busy facing the other direction. And he pulled me over, too, and I got tickets for that. So this this Robocop will have the last say.

GUTFELD: That was a great story. You know, this reminds me of how in the audience --

MURDOCH: Holding a cup of water.

GUTFELD: Yes, a cup of water. Throw the cup of water. Anybody remember "Homes in Yoyo"?


GUTFELD: God, I am old. That was a cop show where the human cop and robots. Come on. Look it up. People at home. And by the way, you're going to -- the only way this is going to work is they've got to teach the cop-bot how to do surveillance banter. Because if the police officer is stuck in a car with a robot, they've got to talk about sports and girls and stuff, because they're going spend hours. So it's like, "Hey, that girl in 'Game of Thrones' is hot." How about those Cubs. "The team not the offspring of bears."

All right, I'm going to let that joke go away. Thank you.


GUTFELD: Banter. Robot banter. Coming up, my favorite story, a 71-year- old survives four months at sea in a homemade barrel. I just have one question. Is he single?


GUTFELD: Rather than float in a boat, he faced peril in a barrel. A French adventurer -- are there any kind -- in his 70s recently completed a solo-transatlantic voyage in a handmade barrel. The journey which spanned the entire Atlantic Ocean began last December in the Canary Islands off the coast of Africa. That's a continent, Emily -- propelled entirely by the oceans current and eating nothing but the fish he caught himself.

The man, Jean-Jacques Savin arrived last week on the shore of St. Eustatius Island in the Caribbean, where he was instantly executed.


GUTFELD: Not really. When asked why he had spent four months in a barrel, he said, "Hey, I'm married."


GUTFELD: People never get their sea legs, right. Here's me on the last day of my diving school.


GUTFELD: I guess, I didn't learn anything. All right, Kat, a hell of a hobby.

TIMPF: Yes, doesn't he know there's plenty of good stuff on TV? You know, there's the entire internet. I just don't understand having that kind of faith that you're just going to float in a barrel and the ocean is going to bring you to where you want to go.

GUTFELD: I know.

TIMPF: I don't even have faith that my delivery guy is going to remember to scoop my bagel unless I text him and remind him and the consequences of that not going my way, I eat a little more bread than I wanted to.

Things don't go his way, he dies. So I just don't understand having that kind of faith. I am glad it worked out for him.

GUTFELD: You scoop the bread?

TIMPF: Yes, because then you know, it's better for you.

GUTFELD: Wow. Sorry. Yeah. Cut you off there.

TIMPF: Yes, it's okay.

GUTFELD: All right.

TIMPF: I'm used to it.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow. You know, Tyrus, he crossed the Atlantic in a barrel. Weird. I once traveled across the Atlantic with a barrel inside me.

MURDOCH: I don't care. I don't want to know. I thought you were going to ask me a cool scientific question about navigation and ocean currents, but you want to talk about something inside you and I don't want to do that. That's not --

What he did was -- it was cool. It was scientific. But when I first saw that barrel, I thought like barrel at Niagara Falls.

GUTFELD: Right, me too.

MURDOCH: I was thinking like, there was this big barrel and a guy with like a scarf trying to get across. But what he did, this is obviously a scientific experiment where he's using the winds and the currents and stuff like that, which is a cylinder shape is easy to travel. So this was a very clever, smart thing to do.

And like I say, if you look at it that was not just your everyday barrel like that was designed specifically to do what he wanted to do. So you know, good for him, 71 years old, still out there doing the damn thing?

TIMPF: But, you're only saying it's smart, because he's not dead.

MURDOCH: No, I am saying, it's not smart --

TIMPF: If he were dead, everyone would say, "What was he thinking?"



MURDOCH: He knew the currents and how to sail. You know, I hate to be the one to tell you this, Kat, but the reason why most -- some of us not the way we wanted to -- but most of us got here because we hopped on a ship and used the winds and the currents to get here. Same premise.

GUTFELD: That's a good point.

MURDOCH: It's really not that --

GUTFELD: You know, Emily, this is kind of the -- the kind of behavior that isn't really necessary. Like, this is what a robot would do. Right? We don't need to do this. Send the robots in a barrel, right?

COMPAGNO: Well, I feel like this is why he was living his dream. Like a robot -- like you said earlier, replaces the mundane tasks. But for him, this was just his like exploring. I just feel like the older I get, the more I'm aware of my own mortality. And so you know, when I was a kid, I was like, "Oh, I want to be an astronaut," and all this and now everyone who wants to fly to the moon and do everything, I'm like, "Absolutely not. I'll stay right here. Thank you."

GUTFELD: Yes, me too. I've got no interest in like floating --

MURDOCH: You have no choice. You hear his name was Jean-Jacques. He had to do something.


MURDOCH: It wasn't like his name was Darrell.

GUTFELD: All right, I saved the best question for last, Kris, where the hell does the guy poop?


FRIED: Well, that's the thing -- that was a question and then I had the same reaction as Tyrus, where I was thinking Niagara Falls like barrel fun, and then this guy's like, "Oh my god, I did this in a barrel." And you're like, "Oh, you mean that thing with the navigational systems and plumbing?" It's just -- he basically put would, he like nailed wood and plastic around my East Village apartment and threw it --

GUTFELD: It is the size of your apartment.

FRIED: Yes, he spends four months basically living my life when I don't have shows coming up, and then you find yourself somehow in the Caribbean, you thank your parents. That's basically my life. So it can't be that hard.

GUTFELD: Yes, that is how New Yorkers live with just a little bit of nausea, you know, to go with it. It's very sad. All right, well, that ended explosively. Don't go anywhere. "Final Thoughts," next.

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