Jon Stewart in the No Spin Zone

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," September 22, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Personal Story" segment tonight: The return of Jon Stewart, the host of "The Daily Show." He has a brand-new book called "Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race," in which he is pictured on the cover next to Stephen Colbert. It's kind of a "Planet of the Apes" thing going on there, I guess. Anyway, Stewart showed up earlier today and here is what happened.


O'REILLY: All right, Stewart is back. It's inexplicable, but he's here.

JON STEWART, HOST, "THE DAILY SHOW": Stewart is back. What about, "Hi, Jon, great to see you." Nice to see you as well, Bill.

O'REILLY: What, do you want me to be a phony?

STEWART: It hurts my feelings.

O'REILLY: OK. Obama remorse. Some people who voted for him…


O'REILLY: …as you saw Velma Hart the other day, who voted for the hope and the dream and it ain't happening. Do you, Jon Stewart, have Obama remorse?

STEWART: I think people feel a disappointment in that there was a sense that, "Oh, Jesus will walk on water" and now you are looking at like, "Oh, look at that. He is just treading water."

O'REILLY: But did you buy -- did you buy the messiah thing when he was campaigning?

STEWART: Look, I don't buy the messiah thing with the messiah thing…

O'REILLY: But you are a supporter…

STEWART: …let alone with a politician.

O'REILLY: You were a supporter of Obama. Now, do you regret…

STEWART: I thought he would do a better job. I was a supporter of McCain as well for a long time.

O'REILLY: But you threw McCain under the bus.

STEWART: No. McCain threw himself under the bus.

O'REILLY: No, no, you threw him. I saw you. You pushed him.

STEWART: I would not push a man of that stature under the bus. I still love him. Talk about remorse…

O'REILLY: But you loved Obama more. You pulled the lever for Obama.

STEWART: Are you saying, I'm -- I'm -- what are you trying to say? I'm a left…

O'REILLY: You regret the vote? You regret -- if you had to go back in a time capsule, would you vote for McCain?



STEWART: No. I still wouldn't have voted for McCain.

O'REILLY: So, you're standing by your man, you and Tammy Wynette.

STEWART: I would not suggest that it's a country love song in the way you were. But here's what I thought. I thought we were in such a place, much like the Tea Party feels now, that the country was in such a place that we needed a more drastic reconstruction of policy -- perhaps, a deconstruction of the powers that be. I thought this may be a chance to do that. I have been saddened to see that someone who ran on the idea that you can't expect to get different results with the same people in the same system has kept in place so much of the same system and the same people.

O'REILLY: But he still has been drastic in the sense that he…

STEWART: How has he been drastic, sir?

O'REILLY: Because he separates himself from the regular folks, and let me give you two examples, all right? The mosque thing.

STEWART: Uh-huh.

O'REILLY: All he had to say was, "Yeah, they have a right to it, but it's really not good idea for sensitivities." He wouldn't do it.

STEWART: I think that is what he said.

O'REILLY: No, he didn't say that. He said…

STEWART: He said they had the right to do it.

O'REILLY: And you mocked him for it.

STEWART: Well, I mock people.

O'REILLY: But he wouldn't comment on the wisdom. And the people are going, "Come on. You are the leader of the country. You have to comment."

STEWART: What people?

O'REILLY: The folks. The regular people. People who never would watch your show. People who watch me, not you.

STEWART: You are making things up.

O'REILLY: I'm not making things up.

STEWART: When is the last time you even visited Levittown, Bill?

O'REILLY: Sunday. Sunday, I was there, Stewart.

STEWART: "I was there. I was building a barbecue for my friend Joey, brick by brick. I threw on some sausage and pepper. And they came in, you know, we all watched the game, had some -- it was unbelievable."

O'REILLY: You are deflecting.

STEWART: What do you want me not to deflect?

O'REILLY: I'm telling you that the president has separated himself from the folks, and that's why he's having so much trouble in the polls.

STEWART: I don't even know -- I think that sounds like a meaningless thing to say. You are saying folks. What are folks?

O'REILLY: Working Americans don't understand his thought process.

STEWART: That may be very well true, but he didn't separate himself from working Americans. He hasn't done enough to -- he ran on the idea that the middle class…


STEWART: …was going to be his focus.

O'REILLY: And it isn't.

STEWART: Well, he is trying right now to preserve the tax cuts for them and remove the ones for the people making $250,000 and above.

O'REILLY: Did you get your health care premiums?

STEWART: My health care premiums have been crazy for years.


STEWART: I pay health care for everybody at our show.

O'REILLY: All right. Velma Hart said it the other day.

STEWART: Velma Hart still supports him and has great hopes for him. Velma Hart feels that the policies that he promised to deliver on have not come -- have not materialized fast enough. I completely agree with the sentiment that he ran as a visionary and he has led as a functionary.

O'REILLY: Now, let's get on to your Halloween rally in Washington, D.C.

STEWART: Are you even listening to me?

O'REILLY: Do we have to dress up if we go to D.C. in costumes? Why are we going in the beginning? Why are we there?

STEWART: The folks that I see in my gigs that I go out to are real Americans, plumbers and such. They tell me that they don't feel represented by the extremities they see on things like Fox News and other things like that. They say the real voice of the people has been muted by the extremists, that the loudest voices are the ones that seem to carry the day. So what I'm hearing is they want to feel a catharsis that they are not alone, that they're also represented. So that's why we are doing it. We are trying to find that thin sliver of America between pinhead and patriot.

O'REILLY: All right, so you and Stephen Colbert…

STEWART: If we could just find that sweet spot -- pintriots if you will.

O'REILLY: You're going to get out there in D.C. Do you have a little permit yet?

STEWART: I doubt it. No.

O'REILLY: So you're just going to be there and get arrested? So the day before Halloween…

STEWART: October 30, 12:00 to 3:00. Not at night. This is for people who have jobs and families, you know, the rallying cries, we're here but we are only here until 3:00. We have a sitter.


O'REILLY: OK, good. Christine O'Donnell, would you vote for the witch or the Marxist?

STEWART: Who the hell knows?

O'REILLY: Do you want the Marxist? I know you do. I can see it in your eyes.

STEWART: Yes. And, by the way, that is in no way a pejorative way to describe him. I'm sure he is absolutely a Marxist. By the way, can you be bald and a Marxist? Is that even allowed?

O'REILLY: I think you can. I think Lenin was bald. Was he not?

STEWART: All right. I don't imagine that a state like Delaware, which is a pretty, you know, mild state -- whoever is better for DuPont, that's who I'm for.


STEWART: Because as DuPont goes, so goes Delaware. So, whoever is for coming up with a new synthetic that you can spray on your couch to keep ketchup off it, I'm voting for that person.

O'REILLY: We, here at Fox…

STEWART: But here's the thing. Let me say this about Christine O'Donnell.


STEWART: The witch thing is ridiculous. The masturbation comments, ridiculous. Let the woman -- she is one of the least interesting Tea Party candidates I've seen yet.

O'REILLY: You know, she won't come on "The Factor." I don't think she's going to go on your program either.

STEWART: She doesn't -- she doesn't respect the folks?

O'REILLY: I don't know.

STEWART: Why won't she respect the folks?

O'REILLY: I think the venue might be too tough here. OK, let's take a break, and we will come back and talk about your big book.

STEWART: Let's do that.

O'REILLY: Which is competing with my big book.

STEWART: You have a book out?


STEWART: Good luck with that.

O'REILLY: We'll be back in a moment.


O'REILLY: By the way, the entire interview with Jon Stewart unedited will be posted on immediately after this broadcast. We'll be right back with more Stewart.


O'REILLY: Continuing now with the "Personal Story" segment: the host of "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart, whose new book is called "Earth (The Book)." Here we go.


O'REILLY: OK, Stewart, now why do I have to get a sprained wrist when I buy your book? I mean, all of the books that you put out...

STEWART: Because I put effort into my books. I don't put one out every six months from stuff I dictate on my way home.

O'REILLY: Not me. I write them all. So "Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race." What is the theme, the overarch of this?

STEWART: The overarching theme of this is a comprehensive guide to how we got here, all that we accomplished while we were here, and how we are leaving.

O'REILLY: All right. Is that...

STEWART: I'm not going to give away the ending.

O'REILLY: You just...

STEWART: I'll give away the ending. A killer bee-great white shark hybrid ends up going out of control.

O'REILLY: All right. So it's just nonsense, right? This is just nonsense for 200 pages of nonsense? Is that what it is?

STEWART: We think a little more highly of it than nonsense. But that's...

O'REILLY: Gibberish.

STEWART: Well, we feel that it's well-crafted satire speaking to the human condition. But OK, gibberish is fine.

O'REILLY: All right, good. Now, on the last page, 239, acknowledgments. You've got...

STEWART: I'll tell you who likes it, the dope dealers, man.

O'REILLY: The dope dealers like this. Of course they do. They can put stuff in between the pages when they carry it.

STEWART: People don't actually...

O'REILLY: You've got 1,400 writers.

STEWART: That's the acknowledgments. Those are people we're thanking.

O'REILLY: No, no, no. "As we did six years ago, we asked the staff from 'The Daily Show' to maintain the quality of the program while we wrote the book, and so we did. And then we wrote the book." Didn't all these people help in writing the book?

STEWART: No, that's the staff.

O'REILLY: How many people wrote the book?

STEWART: There's probably 12. That's the staff.

O'REILLY: Twelve people wrote the book?


O'REILLY: How come they weren't all on "Oprah"? You're the only one that was on.

STEWART: I take the credit.

O'REILLY: I can't get on "Oprah."

STEWART: She doesn't like you.

O'REILLY: I know. Why?

STEWART: You're not likeable.

O'REILLY: It's just as simple as that?

STEWART: It's not as simple as that. I don't know why.

O'REILLY: She likes you. She really likes you.

STEWART: But your books are more polemics. This book is...

O'REILLY: Nonsense.

STEWART: ...humor. Nonsense, gibberish, well-crafted satire, depending on, if I were on, let's say, a different network. But it's -- yes, she enjoys that. She's not as into the polemic, let's say.

O'REILLY: OK. So she doesn't want to talk politics with somebody like me?

STEWART: That's right.

O'REILLY: She'd rather talk nonsense with somebody like you.

STEWART: Now you're understanding daytime television. Well done, sir.

O'REILLY: Why do you do this? I mean, I know why I write.

STEWART: Why do I do it?

O'REILLY: Yes, why do you write your books? Because they're very successful. In fact, you know, my book is out. You and I are going to, like -- we're going to be slugging it out in the bookstore.

STEWART: No. I don't think we will. I think we're going to crush you.

O'REILLY: Well, the weight of this thing, my God, you know?

STEWART: And also the sales. Weight and sales.

O'REILLY: We'll see. You know, "Bold Fresh" did about a million two.

STEWART: "Bold Fresh"?

O'REILLY: Yes. That was my...

STEWART: That's what you called it?

O'REILLY: Remember, I was on your program pushing that thing?

STEWART: You know, how is "Pin-Pat" going to do?

O'REILLY: Who? Pinheads?

STEWART: "Pin-Pat." Aren't you going to call it "Pin-Pat"?

O'REILLY: No. It's "Pinheads and Patriots."

STEWART: I was shortening it, like "Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity."

O'REILLY: Where do you come down in the book? Where do you think your description is?

STEWART: Are you suggesting that, you know, I'm more pinhead than patriot? Is that where...

O'REILLY: I'm not suggesting anything.

STEWART: No, no. Please, share with me.

O'REILLY: Out of all of this stuff…

STEWART: Is this really the time to skim the book? Shouldn't that be done like preparation-wise?

O'REILLY: I did. I did.

STEWART: You just come on and just skim it? Should I join you in the bathroom while you read it?

O'REILLY: There's so -- there's so much here, Stewart. There's just so much here. It's amazing.

STEWART: We try. We put a lot into it.

O'REILLY: Yes. There's a lot of Nazi stuff in here though. A lot of swastika stuff.

STEWART: Well, that was kind of a cultural event. That's the page devoted to fascism.

O'REILLY: Am I mentioned in here at all in the fascist thing? Did I...

STEWART: Oh, please.

O'REILLY: Now, isn't it interesting that a couple of years ago, I was, like, target No. 1? Now, I'm like 15 on the list. Last time you were here you said I was the voice of reason in the fat camp, or some crazy thing like that.

STEWART: Skinniest kid at fat camp.


STEWART: You were like the -- how else would I put that? The sluttiest nun.

O'REILLY: Yes. No nuns are slutty, so there you go.


O'REILLY: So what happened to me? Did I lose my edge?


O'REILLY: Or have I been overtaken by brighter people?

STEWART: I wouldn't say brighter. No, you're not. Listen, you're a very bright man. You went to Harvard. You're an elite. But the -- you've been overtaken by a more extreme version of you. You're like Fox 1.0. You're the beta version. Fox 2.0 has jumped over you to an extent that I don't think you could ever dream of. And quite frankly, I think you fear. I think deep down inside you can't believe what you've unleashed. You can't...

O'REILLY: I'm responsible for all of this?

STEWART: You're not responsible for it. But what you did is you -- you spread out the area. You set up your stuff there, and these other people just came plowing through. You're -- on this network, you're left wing.

O'REILLY: On Comedy Central, who would be conservative? (HUMMING "JEOPARDY" THEME) We'll do the "Jeopardy" music here.

STEWART: It's not a news...

O'REILLY: It doesn't matter. It's satire.

STEWART: I guess Cartman.

O'REILLY: There are people who believe that you are the voice of news, that you are delivering information.

STEWART: No one believes that.

O'REILLY: The book is "Earth: A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race." It weighs 15 pounds, so be careful.

STEWART: How's Dennis doing by the way?


STEWART: Who's coming on today to…

O'REILLY: Dennis Miller. He likes you, Miller, though.

STEWART: I love Miller. Let me tell you something about Miller. He may be the smartest guy I've ever seen do comedy. We used to watch him in the old days, you know, black and white specials, and just be sad. He's the type of comic that could make you sad. His brain is that fast.

O'REILLY: So what does it say about Fox News that we feature Miller every week? Aha! There you go, Stewart. Jon Stewart, everybody. Give him a round of applause.


O'REILLY: By the way, I will be appearing on Stewart's program this coming Monday. Please pray for me.

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