It was a hack even Julian Assange couldn't match.

It's like she smoked a pack of camels -- not the cigarettes, the actual animals.

She coughed so hard, butterflies in China died.

Now maybe she just had a frog in her throat or perhaps she's a shape-shifting space lizard trying to communicate with her overlords.

Either way, such fits feed into the rumors. Which is why she can laugh it off. Because the more you cry conspiracy, the harder it is to make a case when it's real.

But her health should matter. And so should Trump's. Together they're 140 years old, or one Larry King. So if we care about her cough then we should care about Trump's doctor's note -- a scribbled mad lib that wouldn't get you out of 5th grade gym class.

And, remember Donald himself said Hillary's health should be off limits. Which is odd and why we need transparency from both of them.

It's absurd that we rely on their people and not an objective, agreeable third party to run thorough physicals. Keep the private stuff private, but tell us what matters. I don't want to know about embarrassing birthmarks. Lord knows I have a few: I have a mole that looks like Lou Dobbs.

But the heart, the brain: this matters. Make it fair game for both candidates. Notes, no conspiracies. Just the facts.

Of course this means I could never run for president. You'd have to handle my specimen collections with oven mitts.