This is a rush transcript from "The Five," April 9, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Hi, I'm Greg Gutfeld with Dagen McDowell, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and she once got carried off by ants at a picnic, Dana Perino. “The Five.”
JESSE WATTERS, HOST: No, you didn't.
GUTFELD: Yes, I did.
WATTERS: Yes, you did.
GUTFELD: You know, I thought since I was curating the music today, people expected something abrasive. I decided to start out with a gesture of friendship to everyone here and the people at home, a song written by Andrew Gold, sang by Cynthia Fee. Cynthia Fee who also sang nobody does it like you, about the Hoover vacuum. Do you remember that commercial?
DANA PERINO, HOST: Yes.
GUTFELD: That's her.
PERINO: Nobody has good jingles like this anymore.
GUTFELD: Oh, no.
PERINO: This is a great song.
GUTFELD: Aren't you happy now?
JUAN WILLIAMS, HOST: Yeah -- oh, yeah. You know I sense cynicism.
GUTFELD: Yes, get ready, Juan. I'm going to tell you the --
WILLIAMS: Thank you, brother.
GUTFELD: All right, to the monologue. According to the hair on fire media out there chasing ambulances down Pennsylvania Avenue, there's been a report of workplace violence in large white residents.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What we talked about was a possible analogy between what we're seeing in the president and studies of violence and acting out, particularly workplace violence.
Question we have to ask ourselves from a behavioral sense is, are we watching a president essentially on his way to what we call flash point? And are we now beginning to see him act out in the form of purging and mass firing and completely not listening to any logic?
Are we essentially watching a workplace violence incident play out at the highest level of our government? And is he acting out now? And where does this go if I'm right about that?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Can I say holy crap? That may be the most insane thing ever said on MSNBC, and they employ Chris Matthews. You wonder why America thinks the media is less trustworthy than lawn darts? It's because they seriously entertain ideas like that.
Firing someone is now workplace violence. You know, maybe it feels like that for the nonskilled people in the media who know they can't be employed anywhere else except maybe a carnival dunk tank. They never get fired. They only fail up the prime time lineup until they get jobs running CNN.
Yet, these are the same clowns who lie that Trump called immigrants animals when it was MS-13. How predictable. These goofs were more offended over calling killer thugs animals than the acts by the gangs themselves. But that's the media's M.O. Everything is a crisis except the actual crisis. You know, we've all had a friend who when the booze ran out at a party would drink from abandon cups and polish off the Listerine. That's the media with the collusion keg run dry, they're now desperately looking for anything to numb the pain.
So now we're back to Trump's personality again. He's mean, unstable. When he doesn't like a situation, he changes it. And did you hear? He fires people. I once worked for somebody like that. In fact, she fired me. But that's what bosses do in the real world, the real world. The media should check it out sometime. It's really the only show in town and they can't stand it because they wouldn't last a minute.
All right, Dagen, firing is now workplace violence. I guess we can't fire people anymore. We're safe. We're safe.
DAGEN MCDOWELL, HOST: We're safe.
MCDOWELL: I'm mad at you about the Golden Girls song, by the way. It remains me of watching Golden Girls reruns in college and eating Nachos BellGrande every day. And that was orca fats. So thanks, Greg, for bringing back that memory.
Number two, this is the classic laziness of people in the media because they would rather stand in front of their bathroom mirror and rehearse their newest sneer. And a facial expression of disgust at whatever Trump was doing that day or their -- perfect their glottal stop (COUGHING) where it's just -- the audience can kind of hear it when their guest is talking but not really, but they're showing how appalled they are at President Trump. They don't have to do any thinking.
WILLIAMS: What was that word?
MCDOWELL: Glottal stop. (COUGHING)
WILLIAMS: That's what that is?
MCDOWELL: That's a glottal stop.
GUTFELD: Juan --
MCDOWELL: Sorry about the spittle on your --
WILLIAMS: No -- you know, any time you can educate me, Dagen, I'm all for it.
GUTFELD: You know the Golden Girls. Thank you for being a friend, Juan.
GUTFELD: I think as a friend you should agree with Dagen on all of this.
WILLIAMS: You know my wife has a sign in the kitchen that says sarcasm served daily. I think that's you. Because to me, one, Trump firing people from ICE, the secretary of Homeland Security, the Secret Service, I just think at some point, you know, that's a lot of people for one day.
GUTFELD: But remember he ran The Apprentice. How should we be surprise?
WILLIAMS: Well, I don't think we're doing The Apprentice. I think we're doing the United States of America. Let me just say.
WILLIAMS: In general, Trump is like the little boy that cries wolf, right? He says, oh, my gosh. We've got a caravan coming. We've got an invasion of MS-13 and terror --
GUTFELD: And it happened.
WILLIAMS: And it doesn't happen. Everybody says --
GUTFELD: It happened.
WILLIAMS: Oh, we shutdown the government. Everybody says, what crisis? And then we have a real humanitarian crisis occurred, but, of course, he cried wolf first and now people are like, well, there is a real crisis but he's creating the crisis with --
GUTFELD: It's 103,000 illegal crossings --
WILLIAMS: No --
WATTERS: Wait, wait, wait. Juan -- listen to what Juan just said. Juan said there was never any crisis --
WILLIAMS: There was --
WATTERS: And now there is a crisis --
WILLIAMS: Yeah, a humanitarian crisis.
WILLIAMS: He's the one who's separating families, you know, children from parents. He's the one who said let's cut the aid to Central American countries where we could try to deal with this issue. He's the one that talks about a wall. He's the one who says let's --
GUTFELD: How is that create a crisis?
WILLIAMS: You know what, Greg?
GUTFELD: He's trying to create a solution.
WILLIAMS: Let me just say, if you want a solution, let's look at the problem. The problem is right now in terms of illegal immigration, you have more Asians coming in to the United States illegally than Hispanics.
WILLIAMS: I'm just saying, let's look at it --
WATTERS: Don't go there.
WILLIAMS: I mean, that's the -- and visas, let's look at the real issues. Instead, you want to talk about a wall.
GUTFELD: A 103,000 illegal crossings, Jesse.
WATTERS: Yeah, it's --
GUTFELD: In March.
WATTERS: It's a 12 year high.
WATTERS: Juan doesn't want to have the conversation because it's an uncomfortable conversation.
WILLIAMS: I'm willing to have --
WATTERS: And the rest of the media doesn't want to have this conversation. The conversation is how many refugees are we willing to absorb in this country? How many migrants is the United States economy willing to take? How many unskilled workers are we going to take into this country and not talk about it because the media doesn't want to talk about it?
All of these unskilled workers, refugees, migrants, they don't go to gated communities. They don't go to Nancy Pelosi's neighborhood. They go to blue-collar neighborhoods. What does that do to the hospital systems? What does it do to real estate prices? What does it do to school districts, to American citizens and their wages? I'm asking the question.
And if you ask this question, they call you a racist. You're not allowed to have this conversation in this country. And what the media does is they distort the reality. They either don't want to cover the crisis, or when they covered it they lie about it. Here's a great example. We have Gloria on the other day. The Hispanic female border patrol agent down with the president who said strategically deployed walls work to reduce illegal immigration and they reduce assault on border patrol.
Nancy Pelosi had just said walls are immoral and walls don't work. So why wouldn't the media played the glorious sound bite, take it to Nancy Pelosi and say, hey, Nancy, the expert on the ground, nonpartisan, says exactly the opposite of what you said. What's your reaction to that? But they don't do that because the media is colluding with the Democratic Party, so the Democrats don't have to act.
They want open borders because it's going to help them politically and hurt the president. And right now the crisis is hurting the country and the media is helping that damage be done.
GUTFELD: All right, Dana, care to weigh in on anything?
PERINO: Can I go back to the beginning?
GUTFELD: Yes, the workplace violence?
PERINO: OK. Yes, workplace violence. So first of all, anybody who serves in a political position in any administration serves at the pleasure of the president. If the president decides in the morning that that tie is not cutting it -- that tie would cut it.
PERINO: You know what? I don't like the way you said hello to me. You're gone. You don't have to have a reason.
PERINO: Also, the media was disgusted by Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen.
PERINO: They hated her.
PERINO: They thought she had done a terrible job, that she was lying for the president, that she was complicit in all of these things. So now they want to defend her and say it's workplace violence? Like that's a little surprising.
Also, personnel is policy, OK? The president is not happy with the policy so he's changing the personnel. Will he get a better outcome? I don't know. But the other thing that they could have done is they could have had Gloria. They should have push that out. Instead, what they do instead? They push Kirstjen Nielsen out rather than like pushing like all of their good stuff that they use. It is quite chaotic.
And perhaps the new people would be able to get a handle on it, but what you're going to end up happening is, instead of having policymaking at the Congress, now you're going to have more confirmation hearings.
GUTFELD: Dana, the way you use your hands right now is bit threatening. You're moving your hands --
PERINO: I don't think anyone would ever say that they wouldn't protect me from you. If I used workplace violence, it would be justified.
WILLIAMS: By the way, Greg, did you hear what Dana said?
WILLIAMS: Chaos, disarray.
GUTFELD: All right. You know what? I wasn't listening because I have The Cramps. I do, I have The Cramps.
PERINO: Does it hurt?
WILLIAMS: Coming up.
GUTFELD: Coming up. There you go. Up next, A.G. Barr squaring off with Democrats over the Mueller report.
WATTERS: You set the bar so low.
PERINO: OK. We want to talk about this song choice, Greg.
GUTFELD: This is Mike Patton, deep, deep down off the album Mondo Cane, which is a collection of pop standards. The singer was the singer of faith no more. Jesse, do you remember them?
WATTERS: No, I don't. As long --
GUTFELD: My God.
WATTERS: It's not thrash metal.
GUTFELD: Mr. Bungle. Mr. Bungle love it a ton of bands speaking tom.
PERINO: I'm very happy with my intro music. Thank you, Greg. Thank you that. All right, next, Attorney General William Barr facing off with Democrats on Capitol Hill for the first time since sending Congress a summary of the Mueller report. Barr saying he'll release the report within a week. Hopefully, that doesn't mean Friday night.
But adding that an un-redacted version will never, never, ever, ever be made public. Here are some of the highlights.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: All we have is your 4-page summary which seems to cherry pick from the report to draw the most favorable conclusion possible for the president.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Within a week, I will be in a position to release the report to the public.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: In extremely quick fashion. You turn a 300-plus page report into a 4-page letter that supposedly summarized the findings.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: March 5th, I believe, I met with Special Counsel Mueller and his team and had a preliminary discussion about the report. So we've had an inkling as to what was coming our direction.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: Afterwards, Democrat signaling that they're not satisfied with Barr's testimony. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The attorney general just stone-walled us. It's very hard for me to believe that he didn't make any changes or revisions based on any suggestions that might have come from the White House. He's working for the President of the United States. As far as I know he's taking directives from the president.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm deeply disappointed with the attorney general slow rolling this whole process.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We'll wait to see the report, but color me dubious that he's going to be fair unless he proves otherwise.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: Jesse, let's go back to what Nita Lowey just said. That's the congresswoman who said she finds it hard to believe that Barr hasn't messed with the report or -- that's a big charge --
PERINO: -- against the attorney general. There's no evidence.
WATTERS: She has now evidence.
PERINO: And she says -- she says I just find it hard to believe.
WATTERS: Right. I bet she finds a lot of things hard to believe, like the fact that there was no collusion. Then Democrats are trying to make Barr out to be a justice-obstructing, collusion-concealing, cherry picking, MAGA hat wearing --
WATTERS: Premeditated partisan hack.
PERINO: There you go.
WATTERS: And he's sitting out there just calmly doing his job and making the Democrats look crazy. He's following the same directives that Bill Clinton put forward as to what you're supposed to disclose as -- after a -- special counsel releases their report. He's just doing his job.
And the Democrats don't like the law that's in place for those disclosures, so they're trying to break the law and have them go around it. But he's not going to release grand jury information, ongoing litigation, anything that reveals classified information or methods and sources, and anything that impugns the reputation of a private citizen.
And he also said he shared this letter that he gave to Congress with Mueller. Mueller said I don't even need to look at it. I trust you. And they're actually doing the redactions together. And it's methodical and everyone is going to see it in a week.
WILLIAMS: Can I respond?
PERINO: Well, of course.
WILLIAMS: You're very kind, Ms. Perino. By the way, when you said midnight Friday?
PERINO: I know. I'm just hoping -- come on, Mr. Attorney General, please, just one weekend, please.
WILLIAMS: Oh, my gosh. Anyway, in response to Jesse, I would say, Jesse, he said today he refuses to go to the courts to see what grand jury material can be released. But, hmm. You brought up Bill Clinton. I recall that Ken Starr did go to the court to get grand jury information and Republicans, oh, they were thrilled. Exactly right. Glad Ken Starr did that. But now, oh, shoes on the other foot.
WILLIAMS: Hypocrisy -- they what?
PERINO: It's hypocrisy on both sides.
WILLIAMS: Oh, I see. And the other thing is he said, you know, Mueller's team preferred that I release more information but Mueller, as you said, preferred that he played no role. So in other words, he's saying yes. The people who wrote this report think that, yeah, more information should have come out which is exactly what we're hearing from the senators. He's slow walking it. He's playing to the public perception on the president side. Oh, yeah, nothing was found. This is over.
But to my mind, you know what, you've got to understand he is a guy who just believes in presidential power and is not interested in having the American people see this. Even if the White House saw it, and he has the right to let the White House see it, it should be a transparent operation and the American public should know. The president, the president's counsel has seen this and has had input.
PERINO: Greg, do you think that Attorney General Barr is a good model of how to present yourself in front of Congress?
GUTFELD: When I look at him, all I see is John Goodman. Is that weird? John Goodman with glasses. Take a look. Put him up there.
PERINO: John Goodman?
GUTFELD: Anyway, the media is going to try to play the -- look at that. John Goodman.
GUTFELD: They're going to try to play what's behind the redactions, right? They're going to look at it -- it's done --
PERINO: They're going to hold it up to the light.
GUTFELD: Yeah, it's Don Jr. No, it's Ivanka. No, it's big foot. No, it's the Loch Ness monster. It's the location of Jimmy Hoffa's corpse. What's inside Al Capone's vault? It's the remains of Amelia Earhart. It's the real Shroud of Turin. It's the whereabouts of the lost city of Atlantis. It's Adam Schiff's mind, which clearly has been lost months ago.
PERINO: A-ha. All right --
WATTERS: Pencil neck.
PERINO: Let me see. What do you think about this? I'll give you the last word.
MCDOWELL: That the Democrats -- they are the party of -- I want it and I want it now. Like they're having a temper tantrum on the floor and this hearing. And you know Barr wanted to say, OK, I'm going to color-code it for you so you know why the redactions are there and they match up. To satisfy -- this is an -- this is an outrage fantasy that they've concocted because they've lost on collusion.
It was something -- a lie that they've pedal to the American people for two years. So they've got to have something in the room to chit-chat about at their left-wing-nut cocktail parties that they all go to.
WATTERS: And now Barr is going to investigate the investigators. And we're going to get that I.G. report in May or June as to the FISA abuse that went on under Barack Obama.
PERINO: All right. Now, Greg, you have a special song from Ariel Pink?
GUTFELD: Yes, you are -- you and I are both friends at this young man.
PERINO: He's a great guy.
PERINO: I remember him from our red-eye days.
PERINO: Your red-eye days in which we've got to play a part which is amazing. Next, 2020 Democrats getting called out for criticizing capitalism. Can you believe that? We'll show you next.
WATTERS: OK, for the record, Greg, that was garbage.
GUTFELD: That is --
WATTERS: I also need to say something. This is an unfounded allegation, just like Nita Lowey.
WATTERS: You have played two songs in a row by Friends. I think there's pay-to-play going on.
WATTERS: I think you're getting a big steak dinner.
GUTFELD: Latest metal song. This is the Melvins' Honey Bucket. Everybody loves the Melvins, right? Come on.
WATTERS: OK. That sound you heard is everybody changing the channel. Please stay with THE FIVE.
WATTERS: The 2020 Democratic field is now leaning even further left with outspoken Trump critic congressman, Eric Swalwell, jumping into the race. Basically every Democrat trying to take on Trump is pushing radical socialist policies while at the same time attacking capitalism.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The only way to meet some of these historic challenges is to be able to use this engine of capitalism. Now having said that, it is clearly an imperfect, unfair, unjust, and racist capitalist economy.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We are going to transform this economy and this government and create a system that works for all of us, not just the 1 percent.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I believe in capitalism. I see the wealth that can be produced, but let's be really clear. Capitalism without rules is theft.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is calling out these 2020 liberal contenders.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HOWARD SCHULTZ, FORMER STARBUCKS CEO: All these politicians who are crying about capitalism, have they ever made a payroll? Have they ever worked in a business? What have they done other than criticize the system? We do have a small crisis of capitalism. And what I mean by that is that the rules of engagement for a company today, given the fact that the government can't solve all these problems, businesses and business leaders must do more for their employees and the communities they serve.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: And we're just learning that Bernie Sanders says he's going to release his tax returns by Monday. He's, of course, downplaying the fact that he is a millionaire. Mr. Gutfeld, Bernie is a millionaire.
GUTFELD: Yeah, you know, and who would have thought. But you know what? I'm glad he's a millionaire.
WATTERS: Me, too.
GUTFELD: I'm glad. Because everybody should do the best that they can. The platform that you run on should be about making a great system greater, not destroying the greatest system that's ever been created. They talk about inequality. Capitalism has done more about inequality than anything.
If you look in history, everything has been unequal. At least capitalism gives you the opportunity to move from static income brackets. I've moved in every income bracket from nothing to something and back again. And almost all inequality can be explained not by race but by age. The median age for Japanese-Americans is decades higher than Hispanics. So they would have an higher income than Hispanics because they're 20 years on average older.
Once you start looking at this inequality -- these inequality arguments, they kind of fall apart, so you should be embracing capitalism and free markets because that makes the world a better place. Stop complaining, you babies.
WATTERS: It is interesting to see someone like Howard Schultz, a full- pledge capitalist, Dana, running in the Democratic Party and lodging --
PERINO: And he's very frustrated, right? So he is the largest job generator of his generation. And remember when he came and did the first interview at Fox, he said that Liz Warren had come to him asking for a donation and that he had denied her that. So there's -- I also -- I know exactly -- I can tell you exactly when Bernie Sanders is going to release his tax returns. I know exactly --
WATTERS: When the Barr report comes out?
PERINO: Exactly. As soon as tomorrow the report comes out his press office is going to say send out the tax returns and no one --
WATTERS: And that's why you were a press secretary. You definitely understand the timing. Dagen, what do you think, capitalism under attack in the primary?
MCDOWELL: Well, if you go through everything that these major candidates have talked about, it's like a hunka, hunka, burn socialist pageant, right? That they're -- Elizabeth Warren loves wealth because she wants to confiscate it. That's her plan. It is full on Soviet Union wealth confiscation.
WATTERS: Soviet Union.
MCDOWELL: Yeah, it's totally communist. We're going to come and take your money. Bernie Sanders, get rid of private insurance. He's going to have I guess an addendum to this plan, but he's essentially telling the American people we're going to kick 150 million to 180 million people off their private insurance, and then Bernie and Liz and Kamala and Cory Booker get to decide what kind of health care you get.
And then Eric Swalwell kind of went down the list - you know he's the Ken doll of the bunch, trying to figure out which socialist policy hadn't been claimed yet, and now he's going for gun confiscation, so good luck with that, we do have a constitution and a second amendment.
GUTFELD: And we've already forgotten about Beto. That guy's faded faster than--
PERINO: A speeding bullet?
WATTERS: Those don't fade, those will still kill you there.
WILLIAMS: Yes, you don't want to mess with that.
WATTERS: Okay, Juan, you know all the Democrats had to do, running against- -
PERINO: A falling star?
WATTERS: --Donald Trump is be normal and not go crazy, and they can't help themselves, they're going crazy.
WILLIAMS: I don't think they're going crazy at all. Most Americans think we have income inequality. But I want to be a saint (ph) start with Howard Schultz.
WILLIAMS: Howard Schultz, goodness gracious, he is so irrelevant to this whole conversation, except when it serves your purpose, because guess what, he's not even running as a Democrat.
WATTERS: He's not?
WILLIAMS: He's not and you saw it though.
WILLIAMS: Yes, that's what he says right now, and guess what, you know Howard Schultz, the only purpose he serves right now is to get Trump reelected, you know, to try to divide up support for Democrats.
PERINO: But he says he isn't going to run - and he will only run if the Democrats elect somebody so Far Left--
WILLIAMS: In other words, yes, so he's like you know kryptonite for Democrat, I don't get it. But anyway, the second point is about capitalism, and I think capitalism is very American. I'm a capitalist, but I also think there are rules, and rules are very American, like I believe in the--
GUTFELD: Like a border?
WILLIAMS: --yes, like a Securities and Exchange Commission. Do you guys believe in that, do you believe in things like--
PERINO: We have one.
WATTERS: Juan, they instituted that decades ago.
WILLIAMS: Right, so we have a Securities and Exchange Commission that puts limits on capitalist behavior, like we have the Federal Reserve that handles interest rates--
PERINO: But is anyone--
WATTERS: Juan, again, that was like a hundred years ago.
WILLIAMS: No, but you - remember this is - these are all limits. Consumer protections, Elizabeth Warren, she's gotten a lot of attention with that, that's not a hundred years ago.
PERINO: But is anyone saying they are going to take those away, no?
WILLIAMS: Well, that's the point, we do not have unfettered capitalism you guys want to sit here and celebrate. There are limits and we believe in rules and limits--
GUTFELD: They want to destroy capitalism, not--
WILLIAMS: --when you have x senses (ph). They don't want to destroy capitalism, they want capitalism that serves the--
WATTERS: Taking away every American's private health insurance is not a rule.
WILLIAMS: Oh get out of here. Yes, Social Security, oh suddenly that's socialism?
WATTERS: No one's getting--
GUTFELD: That's our money.
MCDOWELL: Can I quickly say this, Bernie Sanders political director, who spent part of her childhood in Venezuela, once told The Atlantic few years ago, it is - it was better to live on poverty level wages in a shanty town in Venezuela than on a garment worker's salary in Elizabeth, New Jersey. This is one of the many, many socialists working on his team.
WATTERS: Yes, the millionaire's campaign, Bernie Sanders, congrats.
Climate crusaders going to new extremes to push their agenda; this wild video up next.
WILLIAMS: This is horrible music. This is Greg Gutfeld soul music.
GUTFELD: This is Lemmy doing Black Flag, can't get any better than this.
WATTERS: No one knows what you are talking about.
MCDOWELL: I do.
WILLIAMS: You like it?
MCDOWELL: I love Lemmy.
WILLIAMS: I didn't know, okay, look at that.
Alright, if you're an environmentalist looking to make a few extra bucks, New York City has an opening for you. A law passed in January last year allows members of the public to submit a "citizens air complaint" that would go to the Department of Environmental Protection, when you spot a commercial vehicle left idling for more than three minutes.
People can get up to 25 percent of the total value of the fine and that can run anywhere from $300 to $2000. Here's one clean air activist on how he's utilizing the new law.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So Consolidated bus here is idling for reasons I don't know. So the first thing I must do is engage my clock to know where I am in the four-minute sequence, and then go to my timestamp photography. So, we're at 3:47, so I'm going to go and shoot the other license plate and do the remainder of the video.
I have submitted 120 times and I've made $9,000 cash in the bank. You know, there's strength in numbers, and so I have about 12 people under me, and I'd like to call them Street Agents.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMS: Wow, Dagan, so is this like - first of all, do you think this is basically being paid to snitch?
MCDOWELL: Yes, of course it is. You know what, you want to clean up New York and make it an actually inhabitable city, you're going to start fining grown men riding motorized scooters on sidewalks wearing suits or any tourist who comes to New York City and gets on one of those plastic stupid city bikes, after not having actually been on a bicycle for the last 30- some odd years. What, true?
GUTFELD: And I was going to say - no, no, what I was going to say is, imagine if there was a process where you reported on junkies and homeless--
GUTFELD: --defecating in public. You would be scolded, because that would be politically incorrect.
MCDOWELL: That's a good point.
WATTERS: But they can't afford the fines, so you can't get a piece of the action.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes, but you know who - you know the industry's most vocal about climate change is Hollywood and they're the ones most guilty of the idling trucks, because on every street they're doing a law-and-order ripoff or some independent film, and all the catering trucks are idling.
They're the ones who are guilty, the environmentalists--
WILLIAMS: But let me ask you, Jesse--
MCDOWELL: And the city buses, the city buses are the worst.
WILLIAMS: Jesse, if you believe that this is the law, and I think the City Council has passed it, what does it matter who enforces it?
WATTERS: I'm going to enforce it.
WILLIAMS: That's fine, you get the money.
WATTERS: I'm going to start tomorrow.
WATTERS: I want the money, my bank's getting a little bit low. I'm going to walk Rocky tomorrow, my dog, I'm going to walk around with my phone and I'm going to start videotaping people idling, because I live next to a school and the school limit is one minute.
So, moving season's coming up at the end of the semester. I'm just going to get these moving trucks. I'm going to hit them for all they're worth. I already have my assistant working on how to submit it to the city and I'm going to give him a cut, because he's going to be one of my agents.
WATTERS: And I'm going to brag about how much money I'm making from these idlers.
GUTFELD: That'll pay for a vacation.
WATTERS: I'm not a green activist, I'm a green capitalist.
WILLIAMS: Go babe. All right, so Dana, I think you and I might be on the same line here, because we like clean air, especially here in midtown Manhattan where everything is so congested. And doesn't this in fact help us, you know, get the ability to breathe clean air.
PERINO: Everybody is for cleaner air.
WILLIAMS: That's what I--
PERINO: And also the engines that we have today burn so much cleaner than ever before, we don't agree. I am for the worker. This is actually hurt - this isn't hurting just like people who want to pop into Bloomingdale's and buy something, this hurts people who are making deliveries into the city--
PERINO: --they can't afford the parking, and pretty soon they're going to have congestion pricing. So, you're basically tax - double taxing people who can't afford it.
WILLIAMS: Wait, you're not - I think the fee or the fine goes to the company and the idea is that companies should not have their trucks idling on city streets.
PERINO: Well, I'm just saying that those companies probably are not that - it's not like you're finding Google, you're finding people who are small businesses that are trying to make it, that are making it - maybe they're delivering fancy food into some of these places that sell off the cuff--
WILLIAMS: But they're dirtying up the air.
PERINO: No, it's not that dirty, it's not.
WILLIAMS: Oh okay.
MCDOWELL: You know why the air is dirty, because people are driving their cars, because the damn subway system doesn't work and--
WILLIAMS: Okay, okay, all right.
PERINO: If they really wanted to do something, they should figure out a way to stop the fact that the buildings in this city are so inefficient that you have to have the windows open in the middle of the winter because the heat's on, am I wrong?
GUTFELD: No, we're just becoming a table of complaining New Yorkers.
MCDOWELL: That's like (inaudible) but not funny.
WILLIAMS: Wait a minute.
GUTFELD: Rest of the country's going shut up.
WILLIAMS: I have a New York City complaint. You can open your windows?
WILLIAMS: What the hell! All right, but - let me ask you, Greg.
WILLIAMS: Didn't we have silly laws that you consider as a silly law, just about people who want to breathe fresh air, didn't Bloomberg have like a fine for two big drink sodas?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes, but also we're turning into a nation of finks, and that's the worst part, we're finks.
PERINO: You feel good about yourself that you're making money off the back of the people--
WATTERS: I'm going to be one fink when I start videotaping these idlers.
WILLIAMS: All right.
PERINO: What kind of music do we have?
WILLIAMS: Conservative Ben Shapiro caught up in a new college free speech controversy. That's next, right here, on “The Five.”
GUTFELD: One of the best metal bands around. Say hello to Riley's (ph) dad, who's--
PERINO: Hi Riley's (ph) dad.
GUTFELD: Isn't it great, D, I know that you love metal?
MCDOWELL: Yes, I would dress like Joan Jett every single day on television if they would let me, but with a worse attitude.
So imagining back to college, you're away at college, taking a nap when you wake up and your roommate is watching a Ben Shapiro video. Oh the horror, the horror! That happened to one Michigan State University student and he reportedly filed a bias complaint against his roommate.
The student writing that Ben Shapiro is, "known for his inflammatory speech that criticizes and attacks the African American community and that MSU roomed him with someone who supports hate speech."
And no, that is not a typo on his part or he did spell speech wrong.
All right, this is the--
WATTERS: Go Spartans.
MCDOWELL: --the rat culture, the snitch culture.
GUTFELD: But also - and this is one of the last exits on that freeway created by the phenomenon of hate speech, because hate speech could be interpreted any way the aggrieved sees fit. So, if I'm insulted, I can silence it.
You can silence any speech with this and it's one of those practices that are camouflaged as I was serving the public interest, but it's actually a coercive and controlling type of behavior to silence other people.
The classification of hate speech is designed to destroy speech, and we have to admit that.
MCDOWELL: Yes. But Dana, go ahead--
PERINO: I was going to say, this is the type of thing that happens in dictatorships or like in former Soviet Union days, where you would snitch on people in order to gain favor with a group or in this case the government, right, so that you would be protected later on.
It's that - this is not government-sponsored obviously, but it's the same type of behavior. But the thing is, with all these young people that are so triggered I guess is a word by Ben Shapiro that it's like with Pac-Man, when Pac-Man goes over the fruit and gains power, this is what happens to Ben Shapiro.
Every time these guys come out and say, oh Ben Shapiro is hurting my feelings, it's like Ben Shapiro gets another guy.
PERINO: And it just makes him stronger. Makes sense?
MCDOWELL: Whatever - yes, whatever—
WATTERS: That's a (inaudible).
PERINO: Thank you, I didn't ask permission--
WATTERS: No, no, permission granted retroactively.
PERINO: --for the analogy, but it worked, thank you.
MCDOWELL: What were you going to say?
WATTERS: I was just going to say that, remember a couple weeks ago we did this story on men swaddling themselves--
MCDOWELL: Oh gosh, yes.
WATTERS: --so they could go back into the womb and be comforted? This kid needs a swaddling. This kid is so weak and pathetic, he didn't even have the stomach to go to the face of his roommate and say, hey can you turn down Shapiro? He silently sat next to him on his own computer and lodged the complaint behind his back, true coward.
And Michigan State lost on Saturday night, now “The Five” is mocking them, they're having a very, very bad week.
MCDOWELL: They deserve to lose. I watched that game. But by the way, who's going to cuddle all of these people when they get out of college, because all the people who run these universities, as they push back on President Trump's free speech executive order--
PERINO: You, a manager.
MCDOWELL: Right, but again because I get - this is the - they're treated - these college executives, the professors act like nannies and mommies.
WATTERS: These are the kids that once they matriculate, they get their first job and then they're in there for six months and they go to HR and they say, can I have a raise? I've done really well, I've been excelling, and then they also begin to file other complaints with HR.
MCDOWELL: My mommy is--
WATTERS: This is such headaches when they get into the real world that you know they're not going to last long.
MCDOWELL: My mommy tells me that I have perfect penmanship and I deserve a 20% raise.
WILLIAMS: I think you guys are making light of this, but first of all, let me just say--
MCDOWELL: Yes, that's actually what we are doing.
GUTFELD: It doesn't get by you, Juan.
WILLIAMS: I'm telling you, but I would say, my guess is that there was a problem between these roommates before this popped up and that - and so - and I think that you know what, so if he has a problem with Ben Shapiro, why not move? No one said kick the kid out of school, no one said penalize the kid, so move, so you get a different roommate.
I will say this that Pew has some data out today that indicates a tremendous number of people, the majority, think that there's been a rise in the kind of hate speech racism in this country since Trump took office.
GUTFELD: If you reclassify it.
WILLIAMS: No, in fact, this came up today in Congress, Greg.
GUTFELD: I find what you are doing here--
WILLIAMS: No because - Candace Owens was before the - I think it was House Judiciary--
WILLIAMS: --(inaudible) major argument. And you know what came back, people said, wait a second, there has been fewer law enforcement agencies that they don't report no hate crimes and you're not telling the truth. Finally somebody said it.
MCDOWELL: I love you, but here's a solution to anybody who hears something they don't like, ear muffs, ear muffs.
WILLIAMS: That's right.
GUTFELD: Grow up.
MCDOWELL: One More Thing, next.
GUTFELD: No show like “The Five.” (inaudible) All right, it's time for One More Thing; what a great song, by the way.
PERINO: That's a great song, and beautiful music today, Greg.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
PERINO: Great choice. And so, Jasper's here because it is his - birthday. There you go, so Jasper's been here on every birthday except for 2016 which I think was a Saturday and this is a picture of him in Sesame Street. Now not really five hand (ph) Photoshop did that for us remember, Sesame Street.
It tells you how to learn the numbers and there he is over the years, Jasper you've done a very good job. Get little gray, but that - it just makes you look distinguished.
GUTFELD: All right, trade him in.
All right, Juan.
WILLIAMS: All right, talk about being slowed down by a birdbrain, take a look at this video.
At Palma airport in Majorca, Spain, the bird was out for a Sunday stroll, and despite honking horns and impatient pilots, it took its sweet time strutting down the tarmac. Airport crew tried to scare it off, and at one point, it did fly away but then it flew back in a matter of seconds.
Flamingo finally left right before a team from the wildlife control department arrived. So fearless flamingo, never caught, and no doubt got to its destination on time.
GUTFELD: All right, all right this weekend I was in Detroit, I was in DC, I did a couple of shows with - sold out The Fillmore was amazing.
PERINO: Oh that's cool.
GUTFELD: I met a lot of cool fans, including these people wearing The Cramps shirt, of course.
There's this pair wearing Animals are Great homemade shirts.
Why are they making Animals are Great shirts, I don't know. And then of course I'll finish with my Texas tour dates. I'll be in Oklahoma, Tulsa May 4th; Dallas, Texas May 5th; Midland, Texas May 6th; go to ggutfeld.com, the shows have been a lot of fun, love to see you there. Jessie?
WATTERS: Okay, one of my friends, Wyatt Gallery, a critically acclaimed photographer has some new work out that's being featured at the International Center for Photography as part of an exhibit called For Freedoms: Where Do We Go from Here?
The installation's inspired by Norman Rockwell's paintings of the Four Freedoms, speech, worship, freedom from want, freedom from fear, and it reimagines them for 2019. So, go to the ICP museum, 20 Bowery in Manhattan through April 28th. He probably is going to really be upset that I endorsed this, because he's going to lose total street cred.
GUTFELD: Yes, this is street cred?
PERINO: You gave him a hard time for helping friends?
WATTERS: Yes, you know, I'm just going to stop there.
GUTFELD: All right, Dagen?
MCDOWELL: The University of Virginia Cavaliers won their first NCAA men's basketball title last night, defeating Texas Tech in overtime 85-77. But, take a look at these two.
They are your number one University of Virginia basketball fans walking on Planet Earth. That is my mom and my dad (inaudible). That was on her 80th birthday and my dad's 82nd birthday. They never gave up hope that they would win a national title, so I love you both dearly. Also, (inaudible) and ere is to Dr. Jack up there, who used to drive an orange and blue Econoline van.
GUTFELD: I'm sure everybody loves my music selection.
PERINO: Animals are great.
GUTFELD: Animals are great.
Set your DVRs. Never miss an episode of “The Five.”
"Special Report" up next.
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