Why Adults Are Terrified of Kids

So Ethan Mirenberg, 15, went to court to appeal his suspension for giving one of his teachers a "noogie." As you may know, noogies are when you put someone in a headlock and grind your knuckles into their scalp.

Ethan's parents are so upset that they even held a press conference. But the fact is, the kid is lucky he wasn’t expelled or at least given a "Melvin" by yours truly.

See, we now live in a world where adults are terrified of kids. If you spank your own child in public, some bystander might call the cops. If a teacher grabs a student, it doesn't matter if the punk was sodomizing a squirrel, the teacher is the one who gets screwed. Worse, if a nephew wants to get back at his hardworking uncle for forgetting his birthday, all he has to do is point a finger and cry.

Frankly, I'm tired of the accusations and so is my lawyer.

My feeling is, if we can't touch kids then the kids can't touch us. It's a two-way street people, one dotted with suspicion and future appearances on "Oprah."

But instead of suspension, the teacher should have exacted her own revenge on Ethan — perhaps with a "purple nurple" and a deluxe "wedgie." And then, finish him off with a "swirlie," wherein you submerge the person's head into a toilet and flush.

I know some people say that's cruel, but I find it refreshing. And if you don't believe me, meet me at the Vince Lombardi rest stop off the New Jersey Turnpike. Look for someone who appears to be wearing orange hot pants — it's actually body paint.

And if you disagree with me, may your life partner leave you for a cat calendar.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com