Which Is Worse: Mistress or Hooker?

This whole Spitzer thing got me thinking: If you're married and you're caught with a girlfriend or a hooker, which is worse?

Look, I realize the uproar over Spitzer makes sense: He's a hypocritical rat-faced gasbag. But is the media right in thinking that paying for sex is worse than getting it for free?

Many married politicians get away with flings — usually with staffers, pudgy interns, cantaloupes. And in places like France, you'd be seen as freakish if you didn't have at least three mistresses — one being a goat.

But I wonder if we really have this backwards.

The fact is using a hooker is a business deal, with no emotional strings. Meanwhile, developing a relationship with a coworker — or even a houseboy named Roberto with amazing delts — signifies a deeper breach of the marital bond. Seeing a hooker is wrong if you're married, but cheating with someone you actually like, seems far worse.

Fact is, going to a hooker is like hitting the drive through — except instead of a happy meal, it's a happy ending. But having a mistress is actually a crueler kind of trick. And one that hurts everyone involved.

Which is why, Roberto, I'm telling you it's over. Pack up your love cage, the ropes, the spandex cat-suit and leave. But don't take the Debilitator. That was mine when we met and it's not like you ever cleaned it anyway.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com