Over the weekend I was sunning myself by the pool, surrounded by everything that makes me happy (my masseuse Roderigo and a hollowed-out gourd), when an intriguing report was released. It ranked the happiest nations.
According to the "Happy Planet Index," Costa Rica had the "highest life satisfaction" in the world.
Guatemala, which is somewhere, came in second.
America came in at 114th.
OK, let's examine Costa Rica, whose main source of income is tourism. Who goes there? Americans. So without miserable jerks like me who need to snorkel nude and do coke off the backs of shaved mules, Costa Rica would be nowhere.
Guatemala? According to the World Bank, three quarters of its population lives in poverty. Yeah, that's happyville.
Forget the list. Let's look at its creator: the New Economics Foundation. It's a front for ecological cretins whose corrupt ideology links happiness to less consumption — an inhumane lie that most starving countries would take issue with, if they weren't busy fighting flies for food.
Who's behind this dishonesty? Nic Marks, the daffy organization's founder, says less happy nations must change their ways before their "high-consuming lifestyles plunge us into... irreversible climate change."
So there you have it. Unless you embrace global warming hysteria, your country is doomed. Please refer this information to all those Guatemalans and everyone else on the "happy" list who risk their lives to come here.
And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.