So a 16-year-old girl from Argentina has given birth to female triplets — for the second time. The girl, Pamela, had her first set at 15 and another son at 14. Now I've done the math and at this rate, by the time she's 46, she will have over 90 children.
Some say this is bad. Not me.
Here's a fact: Increasing birth rates coincide directly with an increase in industry, creativity and invention. How do I know this? I don't. But it makes sense.
The more kids you pump out, the more likely you will produce an Einstein, a Gates or even a Gabe Kaplan.
As for the other kids, they end up excelling in the service industry, working in our kitchens or, in my case, the basement. I'm already calling dibs on any of Pamela's offspring who can give back rubs with their feet.
See, our problem isn't having kids. It's not having kids. While other cultures — the ones who want to end our way of life — keep reproducing, we don't. So we're doing their work for them.
My solution, as always, is to get busy — a suggestion primarily directed at "Red Eye" viewers. That's because anyone watching the show is clearly smarter and better looking than everyone else and therefore obligated to procreate.
So why wait? Start now. Your child isn't just a child. By 2022, it might be my houseboy. And that's a goal to shoot for, don't you think?