You know what I do when I'm confused about something? I turn to Ashton Kutcher. And whatever he says, the opposite is true:
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ASHTON KUTCHER, ACTOR: If you could go back to the Republican National Convention and look the guys in the eyes that were saying "Drill! Drill! Drill!" at the Republican National Convention, those guys — there you go! That's — that's what we got. Like, we did it. We drilled, drilled, drilled.
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Leave it to Ashton to use catastrophe as a club to beat Republicans with; although the last time I checked, Obama favors drilling as does most of America — except of course for the stupid celebs who think their private jets fly on pixie farts.
But hey, if it hadn't been for greenies, this whole mess might have occurred in shallow water and be fixed already. But maybe in shallow water, rare snail darters need space for yoga.
Anyway, buyer's remorse is now flooding the airwaves faster than oil from that busted rig. On CNN, Spike Lee cries, "If there's any one time to go off, this is it, because this is a disaster." And of course, there's Gloria Borger, who frets that who we elected, is exactly what we expected.
The media types who went on and on about how cool Obama is, now realize why he's so cool: It's the same breeze you get from an air conditioner, temporarily relieving the heat, but doing nothing about the weather.
So what everyone thought was cool and casual might in fact be wimpy. As crisis after crisis unfolds — from Iran to North Korea to the Gulf of Mexico to Gaza — there is only one strategy: "Maybe this will all go away."
Maybe so, but each mess reveals one truth about 2008: The libs wanted a Hollywood president and got one. But here's the difference: In movies, emoting solves problems. In real life, it worsens them.
And now, like the dolts they are, O-lovers want a different O, one that will, as Bill Maher fantasized, pull a gun on BP. Which doesn't work.
Fact is, the desire to have Obama shout at an oil spill fits on screen, but in real life it's about as successful as "Girl 6."
And if you disagree with me, you're a racist, homophobic oil executive.