I was away visiting my mom, when Karl Rove — killer of infants and puppies — resigned. Some people might see that as a coincidence, but not me.
The left blames Rove for a lot, but they stop just short of the truth. Rove timed his exit to coincide with my vacation to avoid the flashlight of truth I would cast on him. If only I hadn't been playing strip Jenga with my nephew.
• Don't blame Greg! Watch his Greg-alogue
Karl Rove, as you know, is an anagram for "Ark Lover" — which makes sense, when you notice the lack of money invested in highways and bridges. Only a man who travels by ark would be so cruel. Did you know that during his 1980 stint working for George Bush, Sr., there were eight major plane crashes? This is no coincidence for someone who benefits directly from the purchase of sea-going vessels.
It gets worse.
In 1993, when Rove began advising George W. Bush's campaign, Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall died. Rove probably did a little dance — something Rudolf Nureyev might have done, if he also hadn't died. Rove had only been there one year and already a black and a Russian had died.
Rove's favorite drink? A Black Russian.
So why did Rove resign? That's easy: While we fixated on him, we took our eyes off the "blue-ear" pig disease, which is killing hundreds of thousands of swine in China.
Only one person could have orchestrated all this and that is Karl Rove — whose favorite breakfast meat is bacon.
I'm not going to stand idle while Rove manipulates global affairs. I've set a trap for him, in my basement, involving bacon and a photo of John Gibson taped to my naked buttocks. When I catch him, the left will have to find something else to do, besides blaming Rove for everything.
I suggest bathing.
And that's my gut feeling.