So in Anchorage, Alaska, biologists are planning an unprovoked attack on Rat Island, named that way because it's an island full of rats — and, also because "Australia" was already taken.
Apparently, these rats have wiped out the seabirds, by eating the eggs belonging to Puffins, auklets and storm petrels.
I don't even know what those are. But I do know that this is wrong. It's wrong because it's easy to love songbirds and seabirds, but you can't hug a rat. That's the fundamental hypocrisy of animal rights activists — they're totally "lookist."
When they want your money, they pelt you with pictures of furry creatures in distress. But when there's a real threat to animals — in this case biologists dropping poison from helicopters — these animal lovers are strangely silent. All because rats are the hideous Ethan Hawkes of the rodent world. But unlike him, they don't even write awful poetry or direct crappy films.
But once the rodents are gone, I ask, what's next? Vultures? Hedgehogs? Josh Groban?
Here's what I fear: Once we start eradicating creatures because they're unattractive, my chance for survival is less than a buzzard's.
And for that alone, we should all give a rat's ass.
And that's my gut feeling!