Revisiting Shopping Tips For Men

Lately I've been alarmed by the number of men shopping in malls and clearly not doing what I have told them to, again and again on this show.

Guys, listen to me. You look pathetic. You're walking aimlessly around the stores like zombies with credit cards. Listless, clueless, hapless.

I want to see the eye of the tiger! Not the walk of the wounded!

So quickly, to review:

Tip one: Don't look for sales. How many times must I tell you 90 percent of that stuff isn't really on sale anyway? The stores are just messing with you. Ok, I made that up. But do you really want to risk thinking I'm wrong?

Tip two: Don't go anywhere near sales racks. Forget whether the stuff there is on sale, women are there. Women rule there. They know this stuff. You don't. Stay away.

Tip three: Remember, speed beats sale. Let's say you're on a line to pay for your stuff and the woman behind you, always a woman, politely reminds you the same sweater you're holding can be had for half the price at the JC Penney at the other end of the mall.

Just tell her, "Yeah, lady, but it's at the other end of the mall!"

And pay double and get out of there.

Tip four: Have a list. Don't fly blind. Because your wife will never, ever, ever like that Ronco onion dicer you catch a glance of at one of those mall kiosks. Just because you're intrigued, trust me, she won't be!

Oh yeah, and above all else, walk fast and blink fast. I'm telling you, sales clerks pounce on men who are slow, and blink slow.

Look, I have nothing against slow blinkers. But they practically scream retailer bait.

So snap to it. Get to it. And be done with it.

Now make me proud, and oh yeah, merry Christmas.

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