If there's one thing we learned recently, it's that it's not nuclear war that can wipe everything off the map, it's pop culture.
Think about the things that mattered back in June: Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, cap-and-trade.
Now ask yourself what happened to all that stuff. The answer is a lot, but we stopped paying attention.
We know that some of our brave troops died fighting for freedom in faraway lands. Protesters in Iran were brutally silenced, as the chance for us to undermine fascism passed. And cap-and-trade snuck in like a hooker through a window.
But I'm not wagging my chubby finger. In that same span, I bought a butt-load of music on iTunes. I saw a pile of movies (including "Up" and "Zoo": One is about tracking a rare bird; the other sleeping with a horse — please don't confuse the two when making plans with the kids.)
And while we focused on Michael Jackson's funeral, President Obama made a deal with Russia to reduce nuclear stockpiles. Is this good or bad? Who cares? You can't watch warheads on your iPod, so what good are they?
Never mind that the whole point of having nuclear deterrents is having them; it doesn't matter if the shrink wrap is never removed. In that sense, nuclear weapons are like books by Stephen Hawking.
But hey, if we're going reduce warheads, let's at least replace them with something we know can be just as powerful. I'm talking a year's worth of "The Hills," a million "Transformers" DVDs and, of course, the entire Michael Jackson catalogue.
I'm thinking the only way to beat our enemies is by making them as soullessly satisfied as we are.
And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.