Oblivions Planned This for a Million Years

Despite what you may think, there are Oblivions everywhere.

They are not just in your grocery store, jamming the express checkout line with an entire cart filled with stuff because they're too important to wait in the longer lines. They're in all of our stores.

As Tim Robbins says in "War of the Worlds": "They've been planning this for a million years!"

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Left Lane Vigilantes are doing their duty, slowing traffic by driving 55 mph in the left lane on highways all across the country. I drove from NYC to St. Louis and back last week and I did my share of passing on the right.

But be thankful you don't live in Los Angeles.

It's no wonder every suspect tried out there is found not guilty — the jurors are getting back at the local government because they've been stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic their whole lives, with seemingly no end in sight.

And speaking of Los Angeles, what school of real estate does one go to to learn that buying a multimillion-dollar home on a hillside prone to mudslides or among the Santa Ana wildfire route would be a good investment?

In malls everywhere, prepubescent girls are wearing sweatpants with the word "Juicy" plastered on their behinds, unwittingly making pervs out of all of us.

My baby daughter will be a teenager one day, so I'll reserve the Grrr! on parents who somehow allow their kids to leave the house dressed like prostitots.

I've received enough e-mails from parents of teenagers to know that kids these days leave the house dressed one way, and then change as soon as they get to school or the mall. Parents can't be cops, after all.

But I do question the parents who knowingly let their daughters dress "sexy."

Of course, July 4 weekend came and went with a bang. How many of you have Obliviot neighbors who just had to shoot off every firework they ever purchased in their life? "Look, ma, we bought these at "South of the Border" when we drove to Disney World four years ago. Didn't know we still had these."

But can you believe how fast summer is flying by? And we still haven't had a great summer blockbuster movie yet. "Batman" was kind of disappointing, although Christian Bale is going to be the franchise savior.

"War of the Worlds" was lame, and honestly, the end of the "Star Wars" prequel was financially successful only because thousands of cult fans needed closure. It sure wasn't because the film was that good.

And Hollywood wonders why the box office is down of late? Well, let's think about it. Everything out, or coming out, is either a sequel of a movie ("Star Wars"), a continuation ("Batman") or a remake of an old television show ("Bewitched," "Dukes of Hazzard").

Yeah, Jessica Simpson looks great in her Daisy Dukes, but is that enough to make you spend $10 plus at the local theater?

Apparently, for some people it is, and it points to the general Oblivionism that runs rampant in our society.

"If we shoot it, the Oblivions will come" is the mantra coming out of studio boardrooms these days.

But come December, moviegoers have to squeeze 10 movies in between Christmas shopping and holiday planning because that's when all the good films come out for Oscar nominations.

Which reminds me. Grrr! to the actors who can't come up with two separate speeches for the Golden Globes and the Oscars. I have not liked Gwyneth Paltrow since she repeated her speech word for word when she won the Golden Globe and the Oscar for "Shakespeare In Love" back in 1999.

Tearfully thanking her show biz parents for their support was touching the first time but seemed so rehearsed the second.

In fact, the only genuine moments I can recall from any awards show was Cuba Gooding Jr.'s "I love you all" speech, Roberto Benigni's "Life Is Beautiful" meltdown and Paul Sorvino crying uncontrollably when daughter Mira won for "Mighty Aphrodite."

Give me Sorvino any day of the week.

In short, Oblivionism does not discriminate. Oblivions can be rich, poor, famous or average. And they've been planning this for a million years.

Stupid Lit'l Dreamer (by Marissa Levy, FOX News Intern)

This week’s SLD shout out goes to Shaquille O’Neal, the Miami Heat center who earned his MBA in business administration last month from the University of Phoenix.

Although Shaq brings in over $30 million a year from his NBA contract alone, wealth hasn’t distracted O’Neal from making education one of his top priorities.

He earned a BA in business from Louisiana State University in 1992, after promising his mom that he would finish the degree he started before leaving college to play professional ball.

“After I got my degree from LSU, I wanted to get a master's degree in the line of work I'm going to be doing after basketball,” O’Neal told the Los Angeles Times. “A couple of times I felt I couldn't get it done, but I just stuck through it … [my family] told me, go get all the knowledge you can get.”

And it seems like Shaq is taking that advice to heart. O’Neal plans on getting another Master’s degree and a doctorate to boot.

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Mike Straka is the director of operations and special projects for FOXNews.com, and covers entertainment and features on the Sunday program "FOX Magazine." He also writes the weekly Grrr! Column and hosts "The Real Deal" video segments on FOXNews.com.