As most viewers know, I hate outer space. When I think about how large it is, I get dizzy. It's like trying to comprehend infinity: an underrated Journey album.
But even though I hate outer space, I get its importance — unlike President Obama, who thinks NASA is a shinier version of Epcot Center.
According to a piece by Byron York, Obama ordered NASA Administrator Charles Bolden to inspire brats to study, expand international relations (which only works when hookers are involved) and help Muslims "feel good about their historic contribution to science, math and engineering."
These goals, as Hot Air notes, have nothing to do with space but they are spacey.
And so our president has put feelings before frontiers, which is a mistake, because you can't inspire anyone — kids or Muslims — without actually doing something. And if space exploration is no longer about exploring space, what exactly is it? Crap.
But you know what it should be about? Blowing crap up. Fact is, we love movies like "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" not for their emotion, but for their annihilation. In short: We need to weaponize space. Personally, I can't think of a better way to excite a kid than giving him the chance to obliterate Pandora. (I hate those people.)
As for Muslims, new polls show that Muslim nations hate us just as much as ever. Fact is, other countries — Muslim or otherwise — respect power and see apologies as weak. If you want them to like us, build something that will scare the crap out of them, like a giant super-soaker that can destroy the moon.
The moon is stupid.
Look, this is going to happen. So we might as well be first.
And if you disagree with me, you're a racist homophobe who hates soccer.