My Free Political Tips to John McCain

You know how each holiday season I give my shopping tips for men?

It's a huge hit. Men tell me so! And women too!

Now I'm branching out to politics.

And fair and balanced, I am giving my campaign tips, free of charge, to both Barack Obama and John McCain.

Senator McCain, I want to start with you, because of all the attention your opponent's been getting.

So, without wasting another moment:

Tip one: Embrace your inner fuddy duddy. Face it, you're not hip or cool, or even a snazzy dresser. But you know what, senator? Neither was bill gates in school. And he did ok.

Tip two: Don't make your age the issue, make his age the issue. You're the one with the experience. Tell him he reminds you of the kid who was barely six years old when you got captured by the North Vietnamese and thrown in a prison. Oh, wait, he was!

Tip three: Don't hide your temper. Show it. Apparently, when you explode, it's a beaut. I think it shows your passion. And people respect passion. And who cares if they think it's nutty. I'll tell you what, dictators ain't exactly the Rock of Gibraltar. Nuts respect tempers. Winston Churchill had a huge temper, and it didn't hurt him any!

Tip four: In the debates, shake your head. Don't say anything. Just shake your head. I'm telling you, senator, younger guys get nervous when older guys shake their heads at them. My dad did it all the time. Stopped me cold.

Tip five: Tap your inner Bob Newhart. You're very funny. I love that, "I'm older than dirt" line, and got the scars to prove it. Man, that's better than Bob! And need I remind you, old Bob had two very long-running successful TV shows.

There you go, senator. Be yourself, sweater vest and all.

Concede the "dashing good looks charisma thing to Obama," let folks know you're built for comfort. I've built a career on "built for comfort," senator.

And between you and me, Shepard Smith is insanely jealous because of it!

And Senator Obama, hope you're not jealous. Fair and balanced, my tips for you, Monday!

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