My Advice to America: Convert to Islam

The BBC — the home of my favorite programs, "I Hate My Breasts" and "I Hate My Breasts 2" — has dropped plans to show a fictional terror attack in one of their soaps; all to avoid offending Muslims.

The new villains are animal rights extremists — equally deluded buttheads, but ones less likely to kill you because they're too busy masturbating to "Wild Kingdom."

The BBC isn't afraid to be offensive, it's just afraid.

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They would sooner wet their diapers than do anything to upset Muslims because their extremists actually kill people. You can make fun of Christians all you want; in fact you can say that all Quakers do is eat oatmeal. But make a joke about Mohammed, you end up like film director Theo Van Gogh — dead.

The media loves to "speak truth to power," but not if the power might actually have any — "power," that is.

If this were the 1940s, not only would I be wearing a jaunty hat, but the BBC — the British Bend-over Corporation — would be reporting that "somebody" dropped a few harmless buzz bombs on London. "But we're not saying it's Germany. It was probably Iceland. Those puffin-loving bastards!"

It's the hypocrisy of the media and the arts.

Consider that loathsome piece of art called Piss Christ. A creep drops a cross in a cup of urine and he's called an artist. But when I do the same thing with Rodrigo, my 16-year-old houseboy, using an oil drum full of baby oil, I'm sexually depraved?

My advice to America and George Bush: Convert to Islam. Not only will we never see another negative story, but we all get burkas.

Finally a way to hide my grotesque man-breasts.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: