KFC's Identity Crisis

There's nothing worse than seeing an old friend go through an identity crisis.

Once self-assured, he proudly walked, or clucked, with his head held high. But then, after a taste of failure, he loses faith.

I speak not of a political candidate, or even my favorite masseuse, Pablo, who has the softest hands and feet at Port Authority. I am referring to Kentucky Fried Chicken — the greatest restaurant ever to put food in a bucket.

Okay — they were the only restaurant ever to put food in a bucket, but still, this crispy delight could never be denied. You could eat their chicken, and then use the bucket when slammed by the diarrhea.

But now in some cities, KFC is turning into Kentucky Grilled Chicken. They're introducing grilled meat, an item with less fat and salt than the original fried glop. There will be new signs to promote this healthier fare, and even the buckets are getting a makeover.

But to me, making KFC healthier is like teaching Jenna Jameson how to read. That kind of enhancement is unnecessary.

The goal to entice health conscious consumers to KFC is a spurious one — for there are a million places for the lycra-wearing loons to get a salad. KFC should reject them, and brazenly encourage us toward our next, inevitable coronary. Fried chicken may be bad for you, but that's what makes it good for you.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com