You know why these auto guys failed to get their bailout on Thursday? You know why House and Senate Democrats are scrambling to see if maybe they'll have a better shot next month?
They weren't watching FOX Business Network Wednesday night when I offered them free advice — gratis, no charge.
I mentioned on FBN that I've learned there's a certain trick to getting money from Congress: You have to frame it a certain way in a certain way.
Sadly, they didn't watch FBN. Maybe they don't get FBN. And maybe a lot of you don't either — but don't be left out because your cable operator is clueless.
So, because I am always here at your service, my encore edition of how you too can get in on this bailout dough and present a compelling case to Congress:
Step one: Look depressed — really depressed. Never smile. Remember, you're too depressed to smile.
Step two: Wear a really cheap suit. If it isn't ripped, rip it. Tell folks it's your last one — you left the others behind as blankets for your kids.
Step three: Keep insisting it's for those kids — not you, the kids. Even people who hate kids know their constituents love kids. Tell them yours are sleeping on the street. Bring pictures, if you can, of passersby kicking them on the street. That also creates rage — you want pity and rage.
Step four: When they take a break and offer you food, don't eat it. Wrap it up in a napkin and say you're taking it back to aforementioned kids, freezing on aforementioned street, under aforementioned old suits of yours.
Step five: Keep telling anyone who asks that your workers are really upset too and many have guns. Actually, for the hell of it, say most have guns and just leave it at that.
Step six: Don't do the "me-too" thing. It's obvious everyone's getting rescued. Tell them your case is different. You truly are pathetic.
Step seven: Bring a bunch of pills with you to the hearing. I mean a lot of them — all sizes, different colors — and keep taking them throughout the questioning. Say you're "on the edge." That'll worry them. And twitch — twitch a lot. Nothing gets people more nervous than to be around a dude who's twitching. For good measure, talk to yourself too.
There you go. I can't say this will get you bailed out, but I can say it'll make it a lot harder not to bail you out.
So go on out there, in your tattered suit, carrying your bottles of medication, twitching and talking to yourself all the way and go get 'em! You have a cherished tradition to continue.
Auto guys, you've got another shot. This time, please don't shoot yourself in the foot.
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