Grrr! Whoever Said...

Do you ever wonder, "Whoever said that?"

Whoever said onions should go with tuna fish?

Personally, I hate onions, but I do like tuna fish. It's bad enough restaurants and delis put onions on everything else, but at least picking onions off a cheeseburger is a lot easier than picking them out of tuna fish. Yuck.

Whoever said anyone really cares about an actor's views on the world?

Just because an actor plays a doctor or a historical figure doesn't mean we care about that actor's views on medicine or the historical significance of his or her character.

Sean Penn is going to play former presidential adviser Richard Clarke in a film adaptation of his book "Against All Enemies." No doubt Penn will take the opportunity to talk about his personal views on the War on Terror.

Similarly, director Oliver Stone is releasing "World Trade Center" this summer, a movie about the last two men saved from the wreckage of the Twin Towers. No doubt Stone will pontificate on "Larry King Live" about his views of U.S.-Middle East relations. I can hardly wait.

Whoever said life is fair?

Sometimes we have to work weekends or late nights. Sometimes we have to pay more in taxes than we want to. Sometimes it rains on the day of the big game or we get voted off "American Idol" way too soon.

Sometimes we don't get the promotion or the job we applied for. Sometimes we have to forgo things we want because we can't afford them right now, or our friends and neighbors are living the easy life while we're struggling a bit. That's life, and it's only as bad as we perceive it to be.

Whoever said popcorn would make good movie theater fare?

This person is my mortal enemy -- the one who started the whole popcorn-in-the-movies business.

Popcorn chewing is obnoxious, but not as bad as the Obliviot who loudly thrusts his or her hand in and out of the popcorn bucket until every last kernel is downed, and that is not as bad as the obligatory licking of the fingers and wiping them dry on the pant legs that inevitably follows the downing of the overpriced popcorn.

Who ever said Britney Spears needs to be a perfect mom?

I'd like to see any young mother live up to the pressure that Spears is facing. Imagine if every mistake you made was front-page news? Imagine if every time your child fell down and scraped his or her knee it was talked about on national television? Give the kid a break already.

Who ever said divorce was cheap?

I love these stories surrounding Paul McCartney's upcoming divorce from Heather Mills and the speculation surrounding what the financial windfall for Mills will be. Will she get $100 million or more than $300 million? Can you believe he didn't insist on a pre-nup?

Blah, blah, blah. Trust me, he's got plenty to go around -- for him, his soon-to-be ex-wife, his children, his grandchildren, his grandchildren's grandchildren and so on. Don't feel sorry for Paul McCartney. He doesn't.

Whoever said Paris Hilton is marketable?

Just two weeks ago at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Hilton got the name of her new cell phone video game wrong.

"I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest,'" she said.

Of course, it's called "Jewel Jam." If you ask me, they should have called it "Toe Jam."

Then again, the slip was probably part of Hilton's dumb-blonde act.

You might also have read recently that Hilton's ex-lover Brandon Davis went on a disgusting tirade about Paris' so-called nemesis Lindsay Lohan, calling her names and disparaging her as "poor" for being worth only $7 million.

Who is Brandon Davis?

Click in tomorrow for my coverage of the "American Idol" finale from the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles at

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