Grrr! Johnny Oblivion Is Worse

Johnny Oblivion is even worse than Susan Wal-Martian when it comes to things that are annoying to you.

Johnny loves to rev his refabbed Harley when he comes home from his nightly ride, vibrating the windows of all his neighbors with his loud pipes.

When he's not revving his bike, he's gunning the engine of the stock car that's been up on cinder blocks, blocking his driveway, for the past three years. It's never had a set of wheels.

Johnny O. is a one-upper in the Susan Wal-Martian fashion, except he's the sports, investing and women expert. Whenever the subject of any sport comes along, he was All-State Everything back in his day, and each conversation usually ends with a demonstration of clapping push-ups, even in the office.

Every Monday night after "The Ultimate Fighter" on Spike TV, Johnny goes running and kicks the oak tree out in his backyard to condition his shins, just in case he finds himself with an opportunity to step into the Octagon.

And heaven forbid he catches you eyeing a stock quote, because he's got the best investment strategy this side of Warren Buffett. Monkey index anyone?

But women are Johnny Oblivion's bread and butter.

He knows exactly how to pick up women, and more important, he knows how to turn them on. For instance, while seated across from his date a fancy restaurant, Johnny O. likes to slowly bring his food up to his mouth, and he savors each bite while looking longingly into the eyes of his would-be paramour.

He hasn't quite mastered the art of eating quietly, however. He munches and mashes his food like a pig eating slop left over from the night before.

Johnny Oblivion's driveway looks like a body shop, but he actually has a very nice lawn. Every weekend he's out there bright and early with the weed whacker, meticulously edging and trimming. He's even got a fence to keep the neighborhood canines at bay.

Funny, though, how when he takes his dog out for a walk, he lets his Bull Mastiff poop all over his neighbors' yards, without so much as bending over with a plastic bag to pick up the mess.

Johnny Oblivion is famous for his bad driving. Cops know him because he's the guy constantly chirping his tires when he pulls away from a red light, tailgates everybody and takes turns about 20 mph faster than he should be going.

Johnny is also an ImporTant. He loves to talk on his cell phone with imaginary underlings, making believe he's berating someone for a job poorly done, and when his phone actually rings in the middle of his tirade, he actually tells the non-existent person on the other end to hold on while he takes another call.

He must have the only cell phone that rings externally when there's a call waiting.

Johnny Oblivion is a know-it-all to the umpteenth degree. He knows more about politics than Bill O'Reilly, he's got more athletic ability in his pinky than Michael Jordan and he knows more about movies than Leonard Maltin.

He does all his own electrical and plumbing work in his house, making Rube Goldberg look like Albert Einstein.

Like Susan Wal-Martian, we all know someone like Johnny Oblivion. And we all indulge him in our own way.

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