God Isn't Dead; God Is Ted

So, as usual, I was at the gym working my quads when on the TV, Ted Turner showed up on his own network, interviewed by one of his own. The questions were tough, as the interviewer took no prisoners.

I kid. It was fluffier than cotton candy made of unicorn farts. But no matter, Turner still came off as a first-class chucklebum. In the interview he told Poppy Harlow (best damn name in news), that God may not only be behind the mammoth oil spill, but also the deadly coal mine disasters.

Check it out, check it outers:


TED TURNER: I'm not a real religious person, but I am somewhat religious. And, I'm just wondering if God's telling us He doesn't want us to drill off-shore, because it sure is setting back off-shore drilling. And right before that we had that coalmine disaster in West Virginia where we lost 29 miners. And last week — or two days ago — the Chinese lost 29 miners too in another mine disaster over in China; seems like there's one over there every week.

And maybe, you know, the Lord's tired of the mountains of West Virginia — the tops knocked off them so they can get more coal.


And so Turner joins all the other nut-bags who use suffering as a soapbox. You've already got Hugo Chavez, Pat Robertson and that mullah from Iran, who blamed women's hemlines for earthquakes. All these people lack the key voice in your head that says, "when people are in pain, shut the hell up."

But does Ted really believe these disasters are God's punishment? No — for Ted, God is not dead. God is Ted.

It is he, after all, who doesn't like drilling or coal, so in effect he's saying those disasters, are not evidence of God's judgmental hand, but Ted's. He uses the deaths of others to say, "See, I'm right! Those miners are dead because I'm right!" God killed them to prove Ted is really smart.

Think about it: This is a guy who ridiculed religious believers constantly (only Christians, of course, who don't chop off heads). And now, he's speaking for God? No, he's just saying "I told you so."

But perhaps Turner is right and he is the message from God. And that message is: "Behold a mammoth jackass. Why aren't you watching Fox News?"

And if you disagree with me, you're a racist homophobe and it's God's fault.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com