God Bless Sugary Breakfast Cereals

So there's a new marshmallow being added to Lucky Charms and it looks like an hourglass. No one knows why, but some reporters think it has something to do with kids being too busy. I doubt it, but I'm too lazy to check and -- more important -- I love Lucky Charms, so whatever they do is awesome by me.

See, sugary breakfast cereals have received a bad rap over the years, often being blamed for hyperactivity, cavities and violent diarrhea — as if these things are somehow bad.

The fact is, cereals are the backbone of family life.

First, it freed up my mom from having to cook labor-intensive breakfasts, like cinnamon French apple toast with raisins shaped into swastikas. Pouring milk into a bowl, though, took just a matter of seconds, allowing her more time to drink.

Also, you cannot deny the appeal of these cereal's delightful characters — creepy King Vitamin, sinister Captain Crunch, the gay lovers Quisp and Quake, and of course, Lucky Charms' perverted leprechaun. I for one, thought they were real, and what a sad day it was when I realized Count Chocula would never take me to the prom.

These days, anything with sugar is bad. And all you see is "honey," which is really just another word for sugar. Sugar Smacks is now Honey Smacks. Super Sugar Crisps is now Super Golden Crisps. And remember Sugar Rape? It's now Honey Nuts and Oat Rape. It's just not the same.

We need to thank our Lucky Charms for adding another marshmallowy trinket to the mix and tell Product 19 to go screw itself.

And if you disagree with me, then I hope a clown crashes your bat mitzvah and scratches your eyes out.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com