Dennis Miller's Last-Minute Election Musings

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," November 3, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Back of the Book" segment tonight: It's "Miller Time," so hide the kids and grab a cold one or something. Here now in New York City, radio star Dennis Miller, who has already voted for John McCain because he's a California resident now traveling on Election Day. And it's Miller's birthday, everyone. He's 35 years old.

Watch Miller Time.

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Can you give me one present?

O'REILLY: Yes, what would you like, Miller?

MILLER: Would you call me Dennis?

O'REILLY: OK, Dennis.

MILLER: Just once?

O'REILLY: Dennis, how are you?

MILLER: Just call me Dennis. Come over.

O'REILLY: It's your birthday.

MILLER: Billy.

O'REILLY: Is that enough?

MILLER: That's beautiful. That's all I wanted.

O'REILLY: Now we're back.

MILLER: I'm in tears.

O'REILLY: It's his birthday and now we're back. OK. Election eve.


O'REILLY: You've cast your vote. Here's the interesting thing on the FOX News poll. Of those who, like you, have voted in advance, it's 48-47 right now.

MILLER: Well, listen, here's the thing, Bill. As I sit here the night before, I feel good, because I think that this is the last slap in the face for the Vietnam veterans. I'll tell you the God's truth. When I hear about Ayers and I think of Barack Obama, I don't know what the relationship is, but he knows him. He'll even talk to him, which is one more step than I'd go.

O'REILLY: Me, too.

MILLER: Weather Underground guy. And then you've got McCain who serves five and a half years. Here we are in the year 2008, and to me the Vietnam vet has always been the most disparaged veteran through the history of time. It breaks my heart to think that I've got this guy and this guy, and this guy is winning. So I am proud to lodge that vote for John McCain, if for no other reason to thank all the Vietnam vets watching. For God's sakes, not only is it hell to fight a war, but to fight a war where you're disparaged for fighting it, God bless you for giving me the life that I have.

O'REILLY: All right. That was good, and I don't think the Vietnam vets are disparaged any longer. I think...

MILLER: No. But when it mattered, Bill, when they came home and they need healed, we weren't there with the salve.

O'REILLY: I was. But...

MILLER: But I mean, the culture.

O'REILLY: Right. And now, with history not being taught anymore in public schools, self-esteem is taking its place. They don't know what Vietnam is, and that's why I think that McCain's service hasn't resonated as much as it might have maybe 20 years ago.

All right. Now, I have two sound bites I want you to react to.

MILLER: I have not seen these, so let's improv.

O'REILLY: And we're going to — we're going to do this with Dennis. It's his birthday.

MILLER: Thank you. You're killing me now. I don't even like it now. I want you to go back to Miller.

O'REILLY: The first one — don't worry. It will never happen again.


O'REILLY: The first one is Katie Couric and Obama. It seems Obama's aunt may be here illegally. Roll the tape.


KATIE COURIC, HOST, "CBS EVENING NEWS": You have an aunt who's been living in this country, apparently illegally, for four years. And your campaign says any and all the appropriate laws should be followed. So would you support her being deported to Kenya?

BARACK OBAMA: If she has violated laws, then those laws have to be obeyed. You know, we are a nation of laws, and you know, obviously, that doesn't lessen my concern for her. I haven't been able to get in touch with her. But, it — you know, I'm a strong believer that you obey the law.


O'REILLY: So, if on inauguration if he wins, the aunt shows, she's in cuffs.

MILLER: There's the genius of Barack Obama, that he can look you right in the eye like that, when anything goes in so many regards, as far as illegal immigration or palling up with terrorists or, you know, any of this stuff. But he can look her right in the eye and go, "Well she's here illegally. She's going to have to go." And everybody just buys it. Come on. What, are you kidding me?

O'REILLY: All right. Well, he doesn't know where she is, and...

MILLER: I'm sure. She's with Reverend Wright in the federal witness relocation program. That's where they're all at.

O'REILLY: Wherever they sent Wright, that's where the aunt is.

MILLER: They're living in a cul-de-sac with Ray Liotta's character from "Goodfellas."

O'REILLY: Right. They're up in the Aleutian Islands somewhere.

OK. Now Arnold Schwarzenegger, just in time. Arnold was a real champ with McCain. He shows up six days before the election in Ohio and says this. Roll it.


GOV. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, R-CALIF.: I want to invite Senator Obama, because he needs to do something — he needs to do something about those skinny legs. We're going to give — make him do some squats. And then they're going to go and give him biceps curls to beef up those scrawny little arms. But if we only could do something about putting some meat on his ideas.


MILLER: Barack is such a genius he'll use that to say that he is for workouts being covered under his comprehensive universal health care program.

O'REILLY: That's right. It will all be free. Arnold's squats.

MILLER: Free trainers. Free trainers.

O'REILLY: The squats, they'll be free. That's right. Private training for everybody.

MILLER: There you go. A private trainer in every pot.

O'REILLY: But 30 points Obama is ahead in California. But Schwarzenegger didn't say this in California. He goes to Ohio to say it.

MILLER: Yes. Listen, here's two things that we have to remember about this election, in my book.

Anybody who dumps on McCain after this and starts pointing fingers is a real creep, because this guy did not run a perfect campaign, but he ran the campaign he could. And for him to back off Reverend Wright, you know, that's my worst moment in the campaign, when Barack pre-emptively played the race card on him. I thought that was horrible, because he never did drop that dime on him.

And the second thing is I'm not going to hate Barack Obama. This country has been mad for eight years with all this hatred.

O'REILLY: That's right.

MILLER: Enough. If he gets elected, so be it. It's not my guy, but this hatred has got to stop.

O'REILLY: We have to watch him, but we don't hate him.

MILLER: Well, the hatred is — for eight years it's given me shpilkes.

O'REILLY: Shpilkes?

MILLER: Yes, that's as far as I can — call me Dennis again.

O'REILLY: I can't. I can't.

MILLER: That gives you shpilkes.

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