Dennis Miller on Palin, Reid, Late-Night TV War

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," January 13, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: Our pal Dennis has been thinking about the hiring of Sarah Palin as a Fox News analyst. In fact, it came up on his radio program.


DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I know — I know you're a Palin guy. You happy she's going to Fox?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I am happy. I'm glad that she's going to be on there. And I would like for you to, maybe, you know how your segment is called "Miller Time"?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I would like for you to, if you choose to, mention to O'Reilly that a good name for her segment would be "The Beauty and the Beast."


O'REILLY: And you electrocuted that guy right away. Joining us now from Southern California, the Miller man.

Yes, you know, it has been suggested, and I'm not going to take that up. I don't think I'm quite that...

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Listen, you two were cute. You guys were cute together, man.


Click here to watch Dennis Miller in the No Spin Zone!

MILLER: It was like "Lady and the Tramp." I keep expecting you two to head out for a bowl of pasta in the alley behind Patsy's. You know what I mean? We got a couple other names — we got a couple other names for you, Bill, the listeners have: "Princess and the Pug," "The Palinator and the Bloviator," "The Hockey Mom and the Puck." How are those?

O'REILLY: "The Hockey Mom and the Puck." Listen, you know, last night I asked the governor the toughest question I think she's ever been asked in her life. And I said, "Listen, you've got to acknowledge that many people don't feel you're intellectually up for higher office." Now, come on, Miller. You know, now, I didn't do it in a belligerent way. I didn't do it in a Barney Frank way. I didn't point my finger, but it wasn't a powder puff interview. And I thought she was good. What do you think?

MILER: Listen, I think any pretension to anything approaching genius on her part would be misguided. I don't think she is. But I'll tell you what: She's the best damn Sarah Palin we have in the world. And I'd like to see a regular person in the office of the presidency. Is Steve Schmidt, her big detractor over there on the McCain campaign, is he a genius? Was that a great campaign? How has Barack Obama's first year been working out for everybody? He's a genius. Everybody happy with that? I think Sarah Palin is about as smart as she needs to be for that gig. And I, for one, want to see a John or Jane Doe lead this country for once. I'd love that.

O'REILLY: It might happen. Now, I was amused, and I wrote a column on it, that everybody can access on beginning tomorrow. It will be in four or 500 newspapers across the country. And I said the real comedy of this was CNN and MSNBC because they were foaming at the mouth. They all turned into werewolves as soon as the announcement was made. "She's dumb. She's hacked. She's this." And my question to you, Miller, is, if these people at MSNBC and CNN are so smart, why are their ratings so low? Can you tell me that? If they're so smart, why are they getting hammered in the numbers?

MILLER: 'Cause they're smart at the expense of the hoi polloi. And quite frankly, people have had enough of it, people defining how smart they are by how dumb other people are. I don't think Sarah Palin claims to be Marie Curie, but she certainly doesn't exact how smart or not smart she is at the expense of other people, i.e. plumbers in their cul-de-sac who just happen to be there and ask the guy a question and get rolled the next day as a plumber. You know, all that disparagement.

Give Palin this: Whatever she is, she's defined herself. She doesn't exact it at the expense of anybody else.

O'REILLY: And I don't think they're smart over there at CNN or MSNBC. I think their presentation is boring, flat, predictable and they're mean- spirited. There's nothing clever about — you know, there are a few exceptions, but not many.

All right. Now, mean-spirited, no. Flat, absolutely. Boring, no question. And we're talking about Harry Reid. But he did liven up his life with the Obama comments. What say you?

MILLER: Well, as a light-skinned black man myself, I feel that I can comment on this. Listen, I think — I don't think Reid is all that pale for a cadaver, so I hate to dabble in that field, but I would say that in that about him. Listen, I don't think Reid is a racist. But know who I'm reminded of today? That cat who heads up the Black Chamber of Commerce. You've got to book him on tomorrow, Billy, Harry Alford. He was beautiful.


MILLER: Do you remember when he said to Barbara Boxer, "This is racial"? What Reid said isn't racist, but it is racial. And when he starts pulling out all those black groups who have sent him telegrams, that is creepy to me at that point. Just take your medicine. Say, "Listen, it was a Jimmy the Greek moment. I come from another generation. I gakked it. It was clumsy. If you got to fire me, fire me." I don't even want to see him fired though. I want this cat twisting in the wind 'til November 'cause he's a dead man walking. That seat is going to be taken away from him, and I'd like to see him have an uncomfortable 10 months.

Harry, as you said, the war is over too soon. Well, let me jump in at this point. You might think it's too soon, but the election is over, baby. Your worst crime is that you are as boring and as insipid as it gets. You're not a racist. Everything else though might — might accrue to your credit or discredit.

O'REILLY: OK. Now, the late night thing must be affording you some entertainment. You know these guys. It's pretty nasty. Conan O'Brien looks like he's going to leave NBC. I think he'll wind up at Fox. Leno didn't do well, obviously, at 10 p.m. Not his fault. And then Letterman, he's just kind of sitting back. I think Letterman doesn't want Leno to come on at 11:35, because Leno kicked his butt when Leno was on late night against Letterman. How do you see the whole thing?

MILLER: I don't know anything about Letterman anymore. I haven't seen him in years. But Conan, I worked with Conan, and he's one of the sweetest men I know. And I thought his letter of whatever, abdication, whatever you want to call it, was so classy. And he reminds us all that, man, when you watch the events of the world on a daily basis, this is nothing, zip, less than nothing, nada. But he's a classy cat.

But guess what? This will show you what a goat shtup is, that they take the guy who's kicking it at 11:30, put him at 10, where it doesn't work as well, although they were making money. Then they take the guy who was kicking it at 12:30, move him to 11:30 and then move a new kid into the 12:30 role. Nothing's worked. The whole thing blows up. And the only guy to get promoted out of it is Zucker. That will show you how crazy they are.

O'REILLY: The executive who has ruined NBC. He's not going to be around much longer. Goat what? What was that goat thing you said? Goat cheese?

MILLER: Goat shtup. Goat shtup, I cleaned it up.

O'REILLY: I think I know what you mean, so we won't take it any further.

MILLER: Billy, let me say this. Can I say — can I say one last thing in closing, as a light-skinned black man?

O'REILLY: We have actually 90 seconds. You can bloviate for another 90 seconds. Go ahead.

MILLER: I would say this is what's going to happen, is Jay should get 11:30 back. He should never have left there in the beginning.

O'REILLY: Right.

MILLER: He was printing money for God's sakes. It would be like moving you or something. And it's just crazy. He was the — he was the home base. And you know, Conan, I don't know what he's going to do, but I do know, like he said, when your downside is sitting on the beach and watching your kids grow up for four years at 20 million a year, then God has blessed you. If I was him, I would stay away, far away from Hollywood and cash that check. Twenty million. That's what Beck is making a week!

O'REILLY: Yes, but Beck has to be paid in gold. So I mean, just as a transportation cost alone to get that amount of money to Glenn, is just phenomenal. I think they might come after you, too. Somebody might come after you. I wouldn't be surprised if Fox comes after you for an 11 p.m. gig. Would you take that?

MILLER: Not interested.


MILLER: Not interested, baby. I got the world — I got the world by the buttocks. I got...

O'REILLY: By the goat thing.

MILLER: I'm on this once a week. I do the radio show in my house in a pair of gym shorts. I'm not getting back into that again. It was headaches, and I didn't do all that well at it when I did it. I'm happy where I am, on "The Factor."

O'REILLY: On "The Factor," man, you and me. All the way.

All right. Dennis Miller, everybody.

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