Comfy Students Don't Vote

Back when I went to college — and I did go to college — you slept on a concrete floor in a pile of your own filth — and loved it.

But now college dorms are installing double beds, instead of twins, to make the transition to college life easier. I suppose I should be pissed, but I'm actually aroused. I'm all for making college kids comfy: It discourages them from voting. They shouldn't vote because at that life stage, their brains have yet to form — think butterscotch pudding. Students should simply stay in bed, preferably tied up, with ball gags in their mouths. Ball gags work — look into it.

Speaking of asses, Iranian President Mahmoud Whatshisface is backing off from a visit to Ground Zero, but he's still lecturing at Columbia University. So the ROTC isn't allowed on campus, but a man who sponsors terror is? Color me confused. Or just color me — I love crayons. But should we be surprised? After all, Columbia and this ass-hat share the same politics.

Naked women interest me, so I love The Polish Women's Political Party. They're handing out nude posters of their seven female candidates. We don't have enough hot naked women in politics and the world is worse for it. When you look at our enemies, they're highly repressed and incredibly horny, which accounts for most terrorism. After all, when you're not getting laid, you're more likely to blow yourself... up. Blow yourself up.

And that's my gut feeling.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: