Acting Like Animals

Thanks to the skills of the world's best marketing wizards, a filmed advertisement has been produced showing the impossible:

Dogs mating in the street.

I know, it sounds fanciful. I can almost hear your response:

Dogs? Mating in the street like common ... dogs?

The Sunday Telegraph broke this amazing story — and its ominous implications:

A cinema commercial featuring dogs having sex in a variety of unnatural positions has sparked an angry reaction from animal charities, which have branded it "exploitative and offensive." 

The minute-long advertisement, which will be screened in cinemas from tomorrow, shows a mongrel apparently watching holidaymakers in bed. It then trots through a Spanish village engaging poodles, sheepdogs and Afghan hounds in a variety of "human" sexual activities.

I haven't seen the commercial, and I never will. Dogs are Nature's Pals. The very idea of these charming canines cavorting around a Spanish village and engaging in animal-like procreation fills me with dread. Who wouldn't be disgusted to learn that little Fido is acting like a drunken buffoon on a package tour of Spain?

What next, dogs rioting after English football games?

As you might imagine, dog activists are not happy with this ad.

Beverley Cuddy, the editor of Dogs Today magazine, described the Club 18-30 advertisement as "dog porn." She said: "What sort of people would be attracted by an advert like this I can only wonder at. Dogs are dogs, but sadly there is clearly no restraint by those on 18-30 holidays."

Dog porn. Sickening.

Could anything be more repulsive? Yes. Cow porn.

Well, it's not exactly Cow Porn, but California's cheese sellers just began a television campaign portraying cows as happy.

Those wacky nuts from PETA (People Eating Tofu Always) aren't convinced:

According to the ads for the California Milk Advisory Board (CMAB), "Great Cheese comes from Happy Cows. Happy Cows come from California." To back up this ludicrous slogan, the ads show a couple of bulls or a few cows on lush green pastures. These are idyllic images. The problem: For the vast majority of California dairy cows, these ads are pure fiction ... and PETA is calling the Board on its deception.

Bravo, PETA activists! If anyone can expose the inner feelings of a common cheese cow, you can!

The animal liberation people have an uncommon ability to read the thoughts of our animal friends. Minks in a cage? They want to be released, so they can feast upon local wildlife. Lab rats? Liberate them! The world's cities are very low on rats ... especially white rats full of cancer and infectious diseases.

The California Bovine Cheese Board has indeed presented an idyllic image of the state's dairy cows. My cow knowledge is minimal, but I've never heard a cow speak English.

Indeed, these Cheese Pimps are selling a bogus concept. Talking cows! Whatever, fraudes de fromage. I'm with PETA on this one.

Stop the Racist Cow-Oppressors! And let's move on to other Animal Oppressors in the news.

In New Jersey, residents are complaining about the Canadian Geese. According to these goose-hating haters, the geese are leaving their droppings everywhere.

Jinnie Nielsen of Mount Laurel, N.J., is just one of the 83-year-old victims. She was chasing a few dozen geese from her yard a few years back. And then she slipped on the goose droppings. She broke her ankle.

New Jersey has suffered enough, and now it's covered in geese feces.

The feathered creatures leave behind tons of feces which, besides offending the senses of sight and smell, can carry E. coli and salmonella and contaminate drinking water supplies, said David Drake, a Rutgers University wildlife specialist. The geese can also spread disease to other animals, he said.

No television commercial can improve the image of these filthy geese. Many entertainers come from Canada, and we welcome our northern brothers. But these dirty geese? They must be killed. Don't tell PETA.

In Britain, the proposed Animal Bill of Rights was dismissed as "rather silly nonsense by a few over-excited journalists" by Elliott Morley, the U.K. Animal Welfare Minister.

Me, I like the animals. I've got a possum in the backyard, various squirrels, hawks and crows and bluejays. They are welcome. They are pals, and they dance outside my office like Disney creatures prepping Snow White for the Prom.

They deserve every courtesy ... as do the cows who provide my milk and cheese and the dogs who mate in my driveway at 3 a.m. when decent people are trying to sleep. Let the dogs act like common Spaniels.

Ken Layne types from a shack behind his Los Angeles home. The author of trashy thrillers such as Dot.Con and the upcoming Space Critters, he has written and edited for a variety of news outfits including Information Week, the Sydney Daily Telegraph, UPI and Mother Jones. Since the Enron-like collapse of his Web paper,, in 1999, he has been posting commentary to

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