A Nation of Hall Monitors

So, as usual, I was at the gym straddling the stair climber (Sven, he's Dutch) watching CNN against my choice, when the network reported some seemingly positive news: Apparently the U.S. just saw the biggest gain in employment in a decade.

Break out the champagne! Do a little dance! Make a little love! Throw another houseboy on the rotating action pit!

Yes, thanks to President Obama, this month the economy added 431,000 jobs, the biggest monthly gain since March of 2000. But hey, of those new jobs, a whopping 390,000 were government; private sector jobs actually came crashing down from 218,000 in April to just forty-one thousand.

So the gain CNN was championing, it turns out, was made up of census jobs — which, to me, is cheating. It's kind of like saying you won the lottery and proving it by flashing a large wad of Monopoly money.

That's how I feel about census jobs: They're phony. But they're also bribes. They are jobs created by Democrats to keep Democrats in power. They've created a whole dependent class of government workers who will continue to vote for them, in order to stay employed. It's a Ponzi scheme with the bottom floor maintaining the jerks at the top; everyone in the middle gets screwed.

We had census jobs in grade school: They were called hall monitors. They were designed specifically to occupy the kids who couldn't do much else. This kind of meaningless make-work keeps them from eating snot and pooping in gym class.

And it worked: I almost stopped completely.

And if you disagree with me, you're a racist homophobe who works for BP and lives in Arizona.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com