A Lose-Lose for Bill Clinton?

So Tuesday we've got two Democratic primaries — Indiana and North Carolina.

My prediction: I will be drunk. Because this really isn't a battle between two candidates, but a war over two souls: One that belongs to the Democratic Party and the other to Bill Clinton.

First, the election will come down to a war between the moonbats (the 'netroot' nut-cakes and body-odored bloggers afflicted with matted hair and cystic acne) and mainstream Democrats.

While it's true Hilary and Obama are both chronic lefties, both candidates still must move right — because that's the only way you can win an election in America. It's kinda funny and sad that for a liberal to win, he or she has to run like a conservative.

What does that tell you about your party if it can only win when it's pretending to be something else? That it's stupider than something really stupid. And that's stupid!

And then there's our man Bill. If Hillary wins, then we've got a minimum of four years of frustrated hilarity. He won't be able to pick up waitresses or co-eds — and that can't be good for his sanity or his right hand. But if Hillary loses, he will simply replace the White House with the cathouse. And that's what I call a win-win.

So what if Bill loses the limelight? That’s not so bad, since he does some of his best work in the dark.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com