Former Vice President Joe Biden has only been in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination for a week, but he's having his presence felt across America. It's like he's hugging the nation and breathing on our necks.
Yep, a survey by Totaljobs found that three out of four people want all physical contact banned at work. Coincidence? No. It's now just too hard to figure out what’s appropriate.
And now some companies want to ban handshakes. All in an effort to curb the creeps in our corridors.
So – no more physical contact altogether – abdicating our roles as sensible humans, leaving it all up to the people in HR who can annoy you without even touching you. Which I'm totally, 100 percent behind. Well, make that 99 percent.
The pros: Banning all touching, including handshakes, means one will ever be able to say you "made them feel uncomfortable" – and that's good if someone in management wants to fire you.
Not touching anyone also reduces the spread of viruses – especially when Ed Henry is around.
The cons: We can no longer tell who the weirdo is if the weirdo can’t be weird in public.
And that’s how I choose friends. I avoid the guy who likes to shake your hand and refuses to let go while he talks. It’s like a mutt who won’t give up a ball.
I also avoid that lady who caresses my back while showing me a cat cartoon from the New Yorker. It’s not the caress, but the cartoon that really bothers me.
Now, how do I know who is weird – if they're banned from weirdness? Maybe they'll get a show on CNN. That’s usually a hint.
Adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s monologue on “The Five” on May 1, 2019.