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Everything is about precautions these days. You can't ever be too safe. One mask? Sure. Two masks? Why not? And while you're at it, put a coffee filter over your a--. Especially if you’re Eric Swalwell — guy likes to fart. Doesn't hide it. I respect that.

Of course, while the legacy media gives you grief even if you register mild hesitancy over a vaccine mandate, they still ignore some of the essential truths about health. That in a world where you can't trust the media or the government, you can still trust yourself. You can control your risk factors — that's the good news about the pandemic, that the leading comorbidity that influences severity of disease is one you can beat: obesity.


The bad news is you're living in a country where you can a get a cheesesteak out of a vending machine, where your average Exxon station has more food than North and South Korea combined. There’s a Sunoco station near my apartment that received four stars from Zagat. So it's really not our fault we're fat — we're just awesome at making great food. We can't stop eating it, and it makes COVID worse.

We knew that. But in the media — no one wanted to say that.

This is the media who regularly scolds you, like your 58-year-old single aunt who has the same haircut as Newt Gingrich. They bend over backwards to slam you for your cloth mask, but bend over forward and do some sit-ups? Unacceptable. 

In the early months of the epidemic, a few loudmouths like me mentioned this would be a good time to lose weight because it's a risk factor you can manipulate, and we were accused of fat-shaming. 

Yeah — something that used to be known as good advice is now offensive. By people, in the media, who were later calling you a monster for not getting triple-vaxxed. Meanwhile, they got COVID anyway. But when young patients died "from COVID," the websites would not run a picture, which is perfectly fine. Privacy matters. But it hid an unspeakable truth: Obesity influenced the outcome. 

Just as obesity increases non-COVID risks for diabetes, heart disease, stroke, sleep apnea, and joint damage. Relax, Kat ... Not those joints. According to the CDC, 61 percent of teens hospitalized for COVID-19 had severe obesity, and in general, people who are overweight are at much higher risk for death and severe disease from COVID.


A new study from the CDC took a look at young people hospitalized for COVID-19, and found that healthy, young people continue to evade the worst of the disease, meaning if you're young and healthy, you should be living your normal life. Which means going to work. Having a beer with friends. Sending me photos of you in public bathrooms when you're drunk (those have really dropped off during the pandemic).

Meanwhile, another study finds that dropping the pounds drops COVID risk. So, instead of hiding inside like Joe Biden, you’re better off taking a brisk walk around the block. Unless you live in Chicago … in that case, run!

But this is a big, untold story. Untold because even an acknowledgment of weight as a factor is seen as fat-shaming. Rather than save a generation from a debilitating self-created comorbidity, we salute fashion magazines for letting the plus-sized models grace their covers, or we champion the clinically obese for being body positive. We actively cheer on something that may be as a bad as smoking, pretending it's a fun, flirty lifestyle choice. 

Because this country is mentally and emotionally softer than a tube sock full of pudding. Heaven forbid our doctors point out the obvious thing that could kill you.

Skit of man seeing a doctor due to migraines but won't believe the doctor when told the reason for the migraines is that he hits himself with a hammer

But really, this is about health, not appearance. How attractive you feel is up to you, with obvious input from any construction workers.  And according to the welders on 49th and 6th, I’m knocking it out of the park. 

Look, the obesity epidemic has been a threat to American health for decades, and a lot of it is our own government's fault. If the carb-rich nutritional pyramid of old was designed to shape all of us like pyramids, it worked! Meanwhile, we target people in peak physical condition for making the decision not to get vaxxed.

These are people, from pro-athletes to Navy SEALs, who have spent their entire lives focused on physical fitness. And yet, an overweight news anchor can pass judgment on them, in between inhaling Ring Dings and fun-sized Snickers. Their most "reliable source" is GrubHub.


Look, before the pandemic, I weighed a lot more than I do now. To be fair, most of it was baby fat. I just love eating those babies! But when I looked at my risks, I realized I could do something. So I stopped mainlining sugar and started exercising more. Bottom line: COVID stress-tested our country in every facet of our lives.

And we learned a lot about our physical and mental health — our limits. But also about how pointless it is to trust the government. Instead, you can trust yourself. And if there's anything we should exploit, it's the things we can control, and that's diet, fitness, and in Kat’s case, hygiene.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the January 4, 2022 edition of "Gutfeld!"