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Tonight is our first ever one-on-one sit-down with the man himself, Donald Trump. Ok, he sat and I stood - but you can hardly tell the difference

It's true - I headed down to Bedminster, New Jersey, to interview the former president. And our conversations covered many topics, from Afghanistan to the economy – but mostly we focused on me, and how I’m making late-night TV great again.

But the interview spanned far and wide, and much like Kat applying her hair extensions- I want to use every single piece of it.

But first: Greg’s Seven Jokes!

According to new research, cannabis use doubles the risk of a heart attack in young people. When Willie Nelson was told this he said "I’ll be 89 next April. Jackass."

American Crime Story, produced by Monica Lewinsky, airs on FX this week.  Which I guess answers the age-old question, "who do I have to sleep with to get my project on TV?" 

23 years after their affair, Lewinsky says she’s still waiting for an apology from Bill Clinton. The difference is, Clinton is 75 now, and these days he honestly can’t remember if he had sex with that woman or not. 

So 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been behind bars at Guantanamo for over 20 years.  And still doesn’t have a trial date. The good news is, prison officials have finally approved his request for a sex change.

On a similar note - some of the Afghan women considered attacking their new Taliban government with car bombs, but then they remembered that none of them are allowed to drive. 

Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is back on the air after taking the summer off—he’s missed a lot. Kimmel says if you’re not vaccinated you shouldn’t get a hospital ICU bed.  But I’m not sure if Jimmy was being sincere, because he wasn’t crying. 


Anyway, it’s just funny hearing someone say "I-C-U" who nobody actually sees. I don’t want to suggest that Kimmel’s show has become boring and predictable, but last night during the taping, People in the studio audience were changing the channel. 

And that’s your seven jokes!

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the September 8, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"